That’s what most people say when I complain about this! That or he gave her a ring while they were in bed. But no, Mom was devout Catholic and my brother was born almost two years after the wedding day. 
It depends on the relative. If it’s one of my siblings (especially my sisters, whom I’m close to) and they said something really irksome, I would definitely jump on them. Over the past couple of years, I’ve gotten braver in front of my father–so I might say something to him, depending on my mood and who else was in the room. I can’t imagine my mother saying anything that would really hurt me (she’s not a saint, but I just can’t imagine it), but if she did, I would let her know.
However, if it’s a relative, one who I don’t see often and don’t have to interact with much, then I would probably let the comment slide. Not because they deserve a break or anything, but because I would see it as a waste of time to jump their shit and potentially disrupt things. For instance, if my aunt, who I only see once in a blue moon, had said something snide to me during the Christmas holidays, I wouldn’t have said anything because doing so might have disrupted moods (her mood, my mood, maybe other people’s moods) for the duration of the visit. It just wouldn’t be worth it. An older relative (my parents’ age or older) might also not get the verbal beatdown, simply because I’m still in that “be respectful of elders” stage of my life.
It seems to me that if a relative makes a snide comment to someone in the presence of others, SOMEONE should speak up and it shouldn’t have to be you. For instance, I might stay quiet if my aunt made a snide remark to me, but I would expect her sister (my mother) to definitely say something…either in my presence or behind closed doors. A few months ago, my brother-in-law made a snide comment about my sexuality that embarrassed me so much I couldn’t come back with one of my usual snappy retorts. But my sister jumped his shit big time and shamed him. I can’t say that it made the awkwardness go away, but at least I felt my sister’s support.
I think it sucks your other relatives left you hanging like that.
One family member was a kid (her kid) and one isn’t exactly in love with the other one. That shouldn’t make a difference when someone takes a steaming crap on an otherwise perfect day, but that’s how it played out.
The offending person still hasn’t responded to my email.
Kalhoun, would it be asking too much for you reveal specifically what was said?
I know this is delicate ground on which to tread and I don’t wish to come across as excessively nosy but it might provide a fuller context on which to base the best course of action.
If it’s too personal or it dredges up memories that are too hurtful then I’ll issue a pre-emptive apology here and now and will slink off away into the night.
Also you mentioned that the person is a “close relative” but don’t say exactly what the relation is. That also adds a different dynamic into the mix and might be relevant.
Best wishes.
The offender is my sister and the person I’ve made peace with is my husband. How much does THAT suck? The comment was in regard to a major domestic violence incident.
Then she is 100% wrong and your response by way of pissed-off WTF? email to her seems wholly appropriate.
It’s not an excuse --well it could be used as an excuse but it’s certainly not a good one-- but was booze intake involved? I say this simply to bring up the tired line of how when you add alcohol into the equation, people are capable of saying things of incredulously poor taste. This doesn’t provide her or anyone a free pass but it might very well be a contributing factor.
No. She doesn’t drink. She was being mean and hurtful all on her own.
A sister did this to you? Shi-it, that’s a no brainer! My sisters would have gotten MUCH worse than an email, if they had brought up something bad like that. Especially during the holidays, when everyone should be happy.
I think you were classy to handle the matter privately (not making a scene, I mean), but I wouldn’t have held anything against you if you said something right then and there. When it comes to sibling stuff, “Hit me and I’ll hit you back” is always fair game.
That makes it a lot tougher, actually. If your sister was mad at your husband because he threatened you, I can sympathize with her. Even if you and your husband have put it behind you, I can see her still wanting to protect her sister from harm. If it wasn’t like that, and she was just being a dick, then please disregard the previous, and yeah, you should say something to your sister, especially if you see her often.
Well, as much as we care for each other (at least I thought we did) we’re not very close. We see each other for family shit, but we don’t hang out, don’t talk on the phone, and email just a little. I’ve always wished we were closer, but I don’t see that ever happening. We’re very different. Alike in a lot of ways, but different in day-to-day dealings.
Yes, you should have said something. If you don’t educate boors like that in proper manners, they’ll barf out something else embarassing in the future.
No, he wasn’t threatening me. He quit drinking ten years ago and there hasn’t been a repeat incident. I sent her the quiet inquiry email and she sent me back an Internet Funny Email and made no mention of my inquiry. WTF.
I say snide things to relatives all the time for much samller offenses. (You can say that makes me a rude guy if you want, but I have some annoying relatives and snark is a currency my family trades in.) I see I’m late in weighing in on this, but since you’re talking to her about it after the fact, it’s better to ask her politely like you did. Rudeness seems much ruder if it’s premeditated, or appears premeditated.
I don’t know. If it really bothers you, you might say something, but gently. Relatives generally don’t mean anything by it except to give you a little shit.
For my part, I pretty much let relatives say what they please to me, and I don’t watch myself too closely around them, except not to swear around the older ones.
There’s a whole host of “well it depends” attached to your question, don’t you think?
So since I know nothing of you, your family, your friends, or the various and assorted matrices and guilt lines, I offer the following advice that is guaranteed to work in all situations with the potential for offense. I must stress that your one and only job is to remain COMPLETELY INNOCENT. You are not trying to cause offense. You are trying to sniff out the offender.
First: Clarify. “What? I didn’t hear that. What did you say?”
Second: Question. “Why did you say that?” “Why would you say that?” “What did you mean by that?” [if an offensive joke/comment] “Do you really think that’s funny? Why?”
Third: (optional) Others present may pressure you. Express puzzlement. “No, I really don’t understand. Why did s/he say that? Do you get it? Do you know why s/he said it? Do you think it’s funny? Why?”
Fourth: Move on. Look at the offender as if s/he is an alien. “Anyhow, we were talking about…” If you are particularly bold and willing to take a stance, one can offer up rebutting facts and statistics.
The rule to follow above all else is to express an air of wonder- or puzzle-ment. Act dumb; look stupid; if you’ve hair to twirl, twirl it. Pretend you’re dealing with that utter drunk at your local bar. If any of the steps fail, return to the previous step.
Will this cause a scene? Yes. Once. Maybe twice or three times, but the topic will eventually go away. The question is whether you wish to “play nice and not make waves” or “make the subject go away”.
Well, I sent another email asking why she said what she said and she denied any knowledge of any of it. She denied being the kind of person that would say that, denied all of it. I haven’t discussed it with Mr. K yet, as I wanted to see what she had to say. Am I losing my fucking mind? I really don’t wish to rehash the whole thing if it’s not going to have a positive effect. And how can a discussion be productive if no one admits to it? Fuck. I’m just going to let it go. She said she was sorry if she said anything hurtful, but she doesn’t remember doing it. I have nowhere to go with this.
Well, that sucks. I have a couple of sisters who occasionally engage in selective remembering, and it is infuriating. My one sister, the Big Generalizer, says things like, "“Well, you’ve always done X.” when as far as I know, I have rarely if ever done X. 
I’m still working on a way of dealing with this without just arguing with her (“No, I don’t!” “Yes, you do!” et freakin’ cetera).
I guess one way of dealing with it would be to take her selective memory at face value, but still say your own piece. Something like, “Well, if you don’t remember saying it, I won’t push it. I would like you to know, though, that my husband and I have settled the issue of X, and I don’t appreciate people bringing it up again at this point.”
Could your sister have a hidden drinking, or drug problem? 
That’s how it is for my immediate family. They attack you for being offended at their behavior. Probably to protect their own egos. But the specific asshole I was thinking of is an uncle who says things just to rile up my sister. Considering that the guy is a preacher, it’s a particularly bad example.
Maybe even though you and your husband are over the incident, have made your peace, and have moved on with your lives, she feels she never got a satifactory resolution (or an explanation of the resolution) and it still bugs her.
If she never got all the info on the ordeal and how it all hashed out (even though it’s none of her business) she may be trying to bring it back up somehow. She’s probably embarassed about it and too shy to bring up the topic seriously so she awkwardly trys to bring it up with a snide one-liner.
If you want to resolve it peacefully you may want to ask her if she has any questions about the ordeal, explain how it went down, and get her to put some closure to it like you did.