Seriously, dude, the whole I’ve seen things… things you couldn’t believe…things you can’t imagine! spiel is just going to get you a whole bunch of :rolleyes: from people. Yes, it sure does suck to be a malnourished Haitian baby, but the last I checked, this wasn’t the “I’m a malnourished Haitian baby” thread.
Anyway, Alice, this sucks, and whether it was because of dementia or just because the guy is a skeeze, or some combination of the above, I’d feel violated too. I think I’d probably feel I had to say something to the aunt. And avoid the dude from here on out.
My opinions I think were clear enough–there are lots of good reasons to tell and no responsible ones not to. I was being flip with the wording but absolutely meant no offense. I apologize.
I don’t know of any universally applicable formula for what to do in cases of molestation. Moral conundrums can exist, and Alice appears to be in one. Since I have no window into her soul, I will limit my advice to this: while worrying about your aunt and uncle, don’t forget to worry about yourself. Deal with that feeling in your stomach, because it won’t help you follow a course of action.
I agree with this. And while this may be a sign of dementia, as opposed to just being a dirty old man, I think you do need to think of the welfare of yourself and those who are likely to spend time around him. So it may or may not be entirely his fault, but that doesn’t change the fact that something should be done about the situation. I have never had to deal with something like this, so I can’t really relate as some others might, but this is a pretty obvious warning sign of something that needs to be stopped or treated.
I am late to the trainwreck but it sounds like something is going on more than “wow I have Alice alone, gonna get me a feel”. I am thinking, (as a nurse who works with dementia patients) that it could be cognitve changes in the frontal lobe where the “social fliter” is. Maybe not. Maybe he’s a pervert. Maybe he’s a demented pervert.
I suggest she say something like she has noted a change, something new and ask if he has had a check-up recently. Say she is worried about his health and auntie’s ability to cope. Then if aunt confides anything, Alice can say what exactly caused her grief, and say she wouldnt want him to delay treatment,new medications can help, etc etc.
It can all be about Uncle not about “the molestation” if Alice can remain calm and confident. I dont think some of the responses here help that.
My heart and hugs go out to you Alice. PM sent to you and you can email me if you want.
I just put out an email to my aunt asking her to meet me for lunch soon, just us. I’m going to keep everything else out of it except to show concern for his health, although that is the opposite of what I’m feeling. My gut tells me that it’s not dementia, but for her sake, I will frame it that way. Two people that I know told me that I should confront him and demand an apology and a promise that it would never happen again, and if it wasn’t forthcoming* then* talk to her, but I just can’t even bring myself to approach him. Even though I know it wasn’t anything I did and wasn’t my fault, I just feel too embarrassed to talk to him about it.
Good luck with lunch. I agree with you not confronting him, that relationship has obviously changed, probably forever. Your relationship with the aunt is up in the air, depending on how she reacts. You have some control over that depending on how you broach the subject, but it could go well or it could not go well. If it doesn’t go well, be prepared to just step back and accept it to limit the emotional damage - you don’t need it.
Good luck with this, Alice, I’m sorry this happened to you.
The day my great-grandfather died, my 80 some odd year old great-grandmother- his estranged ex-wife who he’s left to raise two kids on her own decades ago- came to visit and reconcile. He immediately invited her into bed.
I think this guy is probably a lot like my great-grandfather. While what he did was highly inappropriate, he’s 80 years old. He’s probably not running any day cares or getting himself in many positions where he can do much harm. He’s probably not going to be around too much longer anyway. In a perfect world he’d reap the results of his actions, but it’s not a perfect world. This might be one you have to leave for god to sort out.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the money to be a consideration. Substantial sums of money can change lives. Moral high ground is all well and good, but when the ultimate results of taking the moral high ground probably won’t lead to any actual good, it’s not such an easy choice. If he is a sleazy guy, your aunt almost certainly knows or purposefully does not choose to know. I don’t think much you say is going to change her mind. I can understand how it may not be worth all the upheaval and loss.
For your personal coping, I agree that your past may be playing into this. Lord knows I’ve been groped from here to Wednesday by people I’ve trusted, and it’s been unpleasant but hasn’t ever lead to quite the depths of emotion you are having now. Perhaps you should see a mental health professional trained in this stuff, just to help you make a little more sense of this event and how you are reacting to it.
I also agree it’s a good idea to be ready to tell him to bugger off if it happens again. It’s an empowering feeling to be able to shut the bad guys down like that.
I don’t think that talking to him would change anything: if it’s dementia, talking to him won’t stop it any more than talking can stop cataracts; if it’s not, talking to him might stop him from assaulting you personally again but it won’t prevent assaults to others. Talking to her, on the other hand, may help.
Is it really all that strange to be upset at being groped? Considering especially that it’s not just a one off groping, but one by someone that Alice loved and cared about, it seems like a normal reaction. It sounds about like what I’d be going through and I don’t have a huge history of sexual abuse. Not that seeking professional help is a bad idea. Just that you don’t have to have a past to be really upset when a trusted family friend does this.
I don’t know anything about your or Alice’s backgrounds, but did your abuse *stop *at groping or was it a precursor to worse? I can imagine if the latter was the case, simply being groped would be a much bigger trigger than if nothing more had happened.
Okay, it’s done. I don’t like for this thread to keep popping up, as I’m not a drama queen and I really don’t like being the center of attention, but I know when I read some threads, I like to have closure, so…
We went to lunch. I told her right away what had happened. We established quickly that it wasn’t him just being friendly, or a misunderstanding- it was, in my mind, a sexual assault, and she sees it that way, too. He apparently has never exhibited any signs of dementia, so we’re not blaming it on that. She’s very strong and she’d never cry in public or anything, but she’s very upset with him. Apparently he’s never done anything like this, that she knows of, but she does believe that he must have done this before because pigs don’t just become pigs overnight. She completely 100% trusted him, just like I did.
I told her that I never wanted to see him again and she agreed that her and I would just get together for lunches and stuff, a very pitiful and sad change for us that I can’t go to her house anymore. She said that she is glad that I told her, and she wouldn’t have wanted for me to not tell her. She will not buy any excuse from him such as “She came on to me.” She believes me and she trusts me.
I do realize that she was in shock and that later on rationalizations and denial might set in and her feelings may change but I hope not. She seems to know that I would never have brought this on myself and that he is the only one responsible for his actions that day. I hope that doesn’t change.
Telling her did not make me feel better, but it does make me feel not secretive and shameful, and that does help. Thanks for all the good advice, and even for the misguided attempts- it all helps me to put everything into perspective.