Your husband is capable of learning and changing. I’m sure being married to an alcoholic has left him with some frustration and anger that he’ll need to deal with, but don’t defeat yourself by projecting his imagined disapproval.
What about them? Will you make them prouder if you keep being an alcoholic, maybe give yourself liver failure?
They may already know. It’s better if they find out by you freely offering the information than the ways they’ll find out eventually if you don’t take steps to end this problem as soon as possible.
Don’t struggle with your fears, they will fight to stay alive within you that way. Disregard your fears, move forward, and they will fade away. One reason to seek help is to get the support you need in dealing with your family. And stay optimistic, they may be much more supportive than you think.
No, but I want to quit without having to reveal to everyone that I am an alcoholic and drug abuser. Am I being naive to think this would be possible?
Why not?
If they are so damned judgemental and unsupportive then they can go kick stones. Who gives a rat’s ass what anybody thinks?
You are a human being. Anybody who holds your imperfections against you, especially when you so obviously want to correct them, can fuck off.
It’s not that I think they would be unsupportive but the shame of having to tell everyone about this is just too much to imagine. Everyone in my family and my friends know that I like to drink but I never act stupid or falling down drunk at all. I’m pretty much just a happy drunk. The booze pulls me out of my shell. I’m very shy and have anxiety issues.
Stop worrying about it. They’ll remember the courage you showed to face your problems and do something about them.
No. What makes you naive is that you want to quit without discomfort of every kind imaginable.
Don’t kid yourself, it’s going to be hard, painful, and not much fun.
Anybody who isn’t squarely on your side is not worth the breath to tell them where to go.
ETA I read your reply, and will add that there really isn’t anything to be ashamed of. People of all classes and walks of life struggle with addiction. Because they are human.
This may or may not have anything to do with your reluctance to tell people, but personally I hate for anything to be made a big deal of. You don’t have to make it a big deal to your extended family. If they offer you a drink or something, you can just say, “No thanks, I decided not to drink.” You don’t have to tell them some whole spiel about being an alcoholic.
When I let go of this attitude, I finally started to get better. Before that, it was just an endless repetition of the same old empty promises to myself and my husband. It doesn’t matter whether he thinks it’s a disease or not. It doesn’t matter whether it is a disease or not. (Although you might point out that, for something that isn’t a disease, it sure kills a hell of a lot of people.) All that matters is that willpower isn’t working any more and you need to try something different.
You have to want to get better for your own sake, too, and it’s okay to ask for help.
Yeah, telling my family what was going on was the turning point for me too. It meant I had to be accountable to them as well. And it also made everyone open up about their own stuggles. I got nothing but support from everyone.
I’m sorry. I can only imagine how much more difficult that must make all of this for you. But to me, that’s even more reason to tell him now. The strongest, most unselfish thing you can do is to stop drinking, stop abusing, and stop trying to hide it.
I haven’t been an alcoholic, but I have been in more than one situation where my greatest fear was that “everyone will know”. And I found out two things:
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Most people won’t know any more than you choose to tell them. Right now, you’re trying to hide everything from everyone, and it probably feels as though the moment you stop hiding, you’ll just be standing there, naked and ashamed for all the world to see. But that’s not how it will really play out. It will be up to you, for the most part, who you tell and what you tell them. Yes, some rumors will get around, but the people who will talk are probably already talking. Better to give them something positive to talk about.
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Most people who do know will be supportive. Seriously. People will shock you with their reactions. Some will indeed be jerks about it. But fuck them. Seriously, what are friends and family for, if not to support you when you need it most?
Think of it this way: imagine it’s not you, but one of your kids who is going through this, hurting and struggling. As their mom, what would you want for them? Would you rather they suffered in silence for your sake? Or would you want to know, so you could help them?
Wow, this really got me. Thanks for the perspective.
You are being naive if you use this fear as an excuse to avoid getting treatment. Right now, your mind is throwing up millions of fears and roadblocks because deep down, a large part of you wants to stick with the status quo. The status quo is easier, and it’s certainly easy to rationalize: you’ll just dial it back now that you’ve realized how bad it is. This is fixable, if you’re just strong and have the right attitude.
If you want to get better, you need to go to AA and/or a hospital and do what they tell you. Don’t find excuses not to, don’t find reasons why you’re different from everyone other alcoholic so what they say won’t work for you, just do it.
Tell one person–maybe someone at AA–then tell another, then another. The benefit to going to AA is seeing that people are just like you. You’re not alone. It is always comforting for me to hear my thoughts coming out of someone else’s mouth.
Look it this way, obviously living the lie and concealing the shame isn’t working. It’s not going to start working. So do something different. Feel something different, even if it’s just feeling a different kind of bad. See how much you can hurt, how scary you can make it.
You are far more disappointed in yourself than people are in you. Time to plug into the Matrix. People cannot wait to help you. They have lived their whole lives to help you.
Bailey, a strong, strong suggestion: tell him RIGHT FRICKIN’ NOW!!!
If you put it off, you’ll find an excuse to put it off again and again. Believe me, I know. You’ve already taken the biggest and hardest step, which is realizing and admitting that you have a problem. Now take the next step, which will be easier. Go to the guy that you stood up with one day and exchanged a promise that included “for better, for poorer, in sickness and in health”. Tell him what’s going on. He will help. He promised you that he would; let him keep his promise.
Best wishes to you and please keep us posted. We’re in your corner.
I guess I feel like I am willing to get help, attend meetings, whatever I need to do but I don’t want to wave my hands in the air and reveal to my whole family that I am an alcoholic and possibly a drug addict. The though of coming out to everyone like that makes me want a drink. Badly.
Why would you have to tell your whole family though? Is there a lot of drinking going on at family gatherings?
Well, here’s where the rubber meets the road. Go to an AA meeting today. Here is a link to find a meeting near you. After you’ve gone, talk to your husband. Tell people at the meeting your concerns: they will understand better than anybody how you’re feeling and have the best suggestions for how to have that conversation.
If you want to get better, you have to take action. Otherwise, it’s just words.
I just “attended” an online AA meeting where I was basically berated and told I was an idiot and selfish and self centered. Is this what AA is like?? I may be all of those things but damn, I reached out for help and this is what I got?