Some advice from the Sexual Virtuoso II

It’s been a good while since the first Sexual Virtuoso thread. With all the new members since then, I thought it’d be a good idea to again offer the benefit of my vast knowledge on this topic. I’ll be tossing out random bits of advice, but please feel free to ask any questions you may have. Let’s begin.

It’s funny to twirl your penis and walk like Charlie Chaplin once. Once.

If you must give your genitals a nickname, go with the cryptic rather than the obviously self-aggrandizing. I, for example, call mine Fin Fang Foom.

Semen may well be a protein-rich dietary supplement as well as a tremendously effective face cream and/or hair conditioner, but you wouldn’t dump a bottle of Wella Balsam in her hair without asking first, now would you?

Ladies: Balls are like the former Soviet Union. All you have to do is violate their airspace without warning to provoke a bad reaction.

Most women will not consider “you have skin like a young pig” to be a compliment; even though well meant it is unlikely to lead to coitus.

More later.

So when she says, “Fuck the shit out of me,” should I be taking that literally?

It can be. One must pay close attention to body language at moments like this. Noting subtle cues like a proferred container of coconut oil are key to not making a faux pas.

While enjoying the oral ministrations of your lover, please do not grab that person by the ears and make “vroom-vroom!” noises. Especially do not do this while twisting one ear.

“Do you like cauliflower?” is not the ideal way to broach the subject that you have genital warts.

Breasts do not do that “Newton’s Cradle” thing; so don’t try. It’ll only put her out of the mood.

Music is a wonderful addition to a sexual experience. Ideally, you want to choose music that suits the mood. Sabre Dance, for example, seems almost like it was written as a soundtrack to vigorous fellatio. Other music, notably Duelling Banjos, may have associations that your partner finds off-putting.

Is this like an “ask the” thread? Oh good.

Recently my girlfriend said “Kiss me where it stinks”, so I took her to a pulp mill. Then she wouldn’t kiss me. What did I do wrong?

That was her fault, not yours. She wasn’t clear enough. What she should have done was clearly state whether she wanted you to kiss stinkhole 1 or stinkhole 2. Then the two of you would have been headed for carnal bliss at warp factor 3.

Huh. Well, I gladly would have kissed whatever stinkhole she asked me to, but the gates to the pulp mill were locked.

The next time I want to make the sweet sweet love, should I take along a pair of heavy boltcutters?

A girl I was hoping to score with recently asked me if I liked her knockers. So I got dressed and went outside to examine her front door. She locked me out. What happened?

She was probably looking for the boltcutters, but was embarassed that she couldn’t find them right away.

Just make sure that the bolt cutters are sanitized after each use. You don’t really want to share them, either.

Threesomes involving a family member can be awkward. Better to have kin-only night while the SO is at bowling league.

The only proper reply to “Is it in yet?” is “Was it good for you too?”

Semen is not fingerpaint.

If you insist on hollering “yee-haw!” and firing revolvers into the air at the moment of clouds and rain, please use blank cartridges. Celebratory gunfire, while traditioonal in many cultures, is a safety hazard.

ATM. Wtf?

ATM? That should be obvious. People sometimes need cash quickly.

Simultaneous orgasm is not the proof of a remarkable sexual synergy, especially when they occur in separate rooms.

You’re no fun at all, that’s what you are.

Pulling a tampon out by the string with your teeth then shaking it around like a rabid dog; doesn’t always turn the Ladies on nor will they always find the humor in it like you might.

In Soviet Union, balls violate you!

Can’t argue with that.

Most women will prefer the phrasing “I want to spread the petals of your blossom” to “I want to open your meat curtains.”
Especially if your partner is older, descriptions of a “furry love bat spreading its leathery wings” are probably best avoided. The exception would be if she thinks she is a vampire.

Is there ever a time when a man doesn’t want sex?