Son of Sarcastic Answers to Simple Questions

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

What’s the purpose of a steam room?
Containing steam.

Is it just me or did she call herself stupid?
Just you, stupid.

How do you change a headlight bulb in a car?
It’s much easier if you stand in front of the car.

I won a mystery auction on eBay, should I be worried about Terrorists?
Did you win a high profile nationally symbolic building?

How far should we go to get Usama?
Two keys to the right.

What Are The Steps Needed for the U.S. To Go To Quick Thermonuclear War These Days?
Same as in the '80s: Mathew Brodderick.

How will we experience Heaven?
I wouldn’t count your chickens just yet.

2

Question re: local news affiliate - who do I write to?
It’s best to start with someone who cares.

3

** Linguists: why is “choir” pronounced “quire”? ** Because “chore” was already taken.

What happens if you wash dry-clean-only clothing? A rip in the time-space continuum shifts polarity in your washing machine, spewing out all the socks it’s eaten over the years.

4

eBay question involving 'Buy It Now’
You click the button, and you buy it. What else do you want to know?

How strong are insects vs. people?
When was the last time an ant stepped on you?

What’s the deal with cockroaches and waterbugs?
They’re disgusting and not as strong as you (see above).

Too much china in China
Um, ya think? Where else would it be, exactly?

Where do you measure the size of the universe
Wherever you want, I guess. I mean, the universe is, uh, everything, isn’t it?

Why are there words for raisins and prunes…
Because “Sun-Dried California Dried Grapes” sounds silly.

What does ‘deconstruction’ mean?
The act of taking something apart.

Tricky Computer Sorting Question
D is before T, so put the Dell on the left of the Toshiba.

Why are American and Canadian coins so similar?
Both countries have discovered that small, disc-shaped metal works best for coinage.

5

**Do you honestly believe we’ve brought freedom to Iraq? **
No.

**Is Passion of the Christ worth watching? **
Only if you’re out of Ambien.

**Violence level in cartoons? **
Nope. It’s crooked.

**What shall I read? **
How about a book?

**Why Do “Jingle Bells,” “Frosty” & “Winter Wonderland” Vanish on December 26? **
They were written in disappearing ink.

**Not another Firefly/Serenity thread. :frowning: **
Nope. It’s a thread about morale on submarines.

**What is that Wendy’s burger song??? **
I can promise that it’s not “Two all beef patties…”

Irish mythology - where do I start?
Page 1.

6

Is it coincidence that “Satan” and “Saint” are similar, or do they share a root word?
Yes…coincidence. That’s absolutely all it is. Just coincidence. Nothing to see here, move along. I said move along!

Why do we sometimes stare off into space?
Because staring into the sun is bad for you.

Catholics: How long in purgatory?
K - 12

What are US conservatives stated objections to Kyoto?
Because they hate our freedom.

7

Web page building question
Use lots of spiders

Diagnose my hairy banana!
It’s hairy! It’s a banana!

Guano in Doritos?
Is that a question?

What reward (if any) awaits female suicide bombers?
Death

Whats a registered protocol?
A protocol that’s registered

8

What are US conservatives stated objections to Kyoto?

It’s expensive, crowded and hardly anyone speaks English.

LCD monitor problem – is this fixable?

If you can read this on your LCD monitor, then yes.

Wide trucks parked in neigborhoods - laws?

No, this is not required by law.

Which countries were unified to become Italy?

Italy, Italy and Italy.

Where do you measure the size of the universe?

Around the waist.

If a droplet of blood disperses in water you have HIV?

No, you have bloody water.

1940’s-era window cranks

Not recommended as they have proven to be nowhere near as effective as 1920’s-style death rays.

9

I’d been pondering starting another of these recently… :wink:

Back with a few contributions when I have more time…

10

Can I print out a web page exactly as it appears?

I don’t know. Can you?

11

There a general type of thread title that comes up pretty frequently, in the form of “Anybody see <movie name>?” or “Anybody read <book name>?”.

I always want to reply. "No dipshit, you are the only person in the UNIVERSE to have seen that movie. It opened in 14 million theaters, but you were the sole individual goddamn stupid enough to think you’d get a modicum of entertainment from it. The director and stars didn’t even see the thing, that’s how big a piece of smegma it is. Those box office receipts and articles claiming it was the biggest hit since Edison invented the motion picture? Forged. All that data came from the other side of the document claiming Saddam bought yelllow cake uranium from Africa. NOW GO AWAY!!!

Oh, did you mean did anybody else here see it? Yeah, I did, it wasn’t bad."

12

Where do question marks go in complicated sentences?
At the end. Although, if you’re speaking Spanish, there should be one at the beginning, too.

Cat peed on carpet…now what…
Well, for starters I’d, you know, clean it up.

13

Am I The Only Doper Who (fill in the blank)

No

14

“Can a dentist kill with novocaine?”

If you have to ask that, you might want to think about switching dentists.

Robin

15

How much of your time at work do you spend working?
Why? What have you heard?
alternate
Not the last few minutes, anyway.

16

Will a plane on a treadmill take off?
No. But put one on a rowing machine and see what happens.

Were leg lamps really common in the 1940s?
Yes. Arm lamps didn’t come out until 1953.

Why “memorial” hospitals?
Can’t remember.

Do TV meteorologists make their own forecasts?
No, these come from two midgets named Steve and Bobo and a Ouija board.

Do all or most Flash animators use Flash Pro?
No. Some use gunpowder and a trench coat.

What’s the trick to pulling a truck with your penis?
Halle Berry in a crotchless catsuit. Oh, and a pickup truck.

17

[PMS Woman]
“How does the microwave know the popcorn is ready?”

It just DOES, OK? Now quit asking me dumb questions and get the damn popcorn and a Diet Coke.
[/PMS Woman]

Robin

18

So who hears the pope’s confession?

Umm, probably whichever sergeant is at the desk when he comes into the police station.

(Little lame I know, but I wanted to give it a try.)

19

How come no one has thought of this?

We’ve all been too busy thinking about what an idiot you are.

What are the names of these logical fallacies?

Bertrand, Hermione, and Jessica, but you can call her ‘Jess’.

Are we here for a purpose?

Yes. You, for example, are here for the rest of us to make fun of.

Iraq in ten or so years?

Well, don’t know, really. Do you raq now?

How do we address wrongs of the past?

Hello, wrongs? You still there?

**Did I just destroy my winshield wipers? **

What, just because you ran into a bridge abutment at 70 mile per hour? No, just reinstall them on the new car and they’ll be fine.

How would fission based weapons be?

They would be fine, thanks for asking.

Anyone here use visiting cards?

No; too stiff and not enough surface area. Toilet paper still works best.

20

Do you honestly believe we’ve brought freedom to Iraq?

Ah, dammit, I thought you had it. Maybe next Christmas…

The price of Gas at the pump: Good that its going down?

Let me give you a general answer on this one - whenever you ask if it’s good something is going down, and it isn’t a ship or plane, the answer is yes.

How do I find out if she’s a gold digger?

Is her name Clementine? Are her shoes boxes without topses?

Who’s the hottest writer out there?

Egbert J. Schumacher, currently at County General, is coming in at 106.8 degrees. And we all wish him a speedy recovery.

Er 12/8

No need to hesitate - it’s 1.5.

How difficult is it to kill yourself in prison?

The hard part is breaking in.

**What do you think your dying thoughts would be?
**
Final.

Most Afghans are glad the United States overthrew the Taliban

Once again, the rugs can move freely.

Is there an equivilent of guitar tuners for voices?

Yeah, but twisting the little tabs is a bitch.

Package missing (perhaps stolen), what to do?

Look around you. Do you see Lorena Bobbitt anywhere?

The Money Pit - what’s new?

Just checked the DVD - still has Tom Hanks and Shelley Long…
**
What do you think about animal cruelty?**

I say we just start killing ALL the animals until they learn not to be cruel.