Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service?
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can’t talk right now. Why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you later.
Telemarketer: Uh, I’m sorry. We’re not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don’t want people calling you at home.
Telemarketer: No.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.
“My name is George. I am unemployed and I live with my parents.”
“I’m Victoria, hi!”
He’s a bubble boy!
Giddyup!
You got three pints of Kramer in ya, buddy!
I invented ‘It’s not you, it’s me’!
“Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my orgasm has left me a cripple. I don’t how how I shall ever get back to work. I love you madly, John… P.S. Loved the cabin.”
But I don’t *wanna *be a pirate!
I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa and my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, “ahh!”, staring at my diaphragm. You know, it’s just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed. So, I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm; who doesn’t? Yeah, like it’s a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you’re gonna need it, right?
Goodnight, Jugdish!
I got my troops amassed along the border - I’m just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.
Elaine: I was just giving her the straight dope.
Jerry: More like a dope was giving it to her straight. Another cup of coffee with you and she’ll wind up in a convent.
Puddy: Hey, Babe, your boss called. You owe five bucks for a balloon
It’s in the vault.
There’s a naked woman across the street.
Hello, Newman.
Jerry: Aww…you’re crazy.
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
See, that’s why you’re going to Hell.
If we pick, do we not bleed?