Stupid Couples!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The BBQ Pit
41

That is some really good stuff. Freaky though, because it suggests that in order to get women to be interested in you, you have to be exactly what they are always saying they don’t want. I suppose after 10 years of marriage I should know that women usually say the opposite of what they mean, as a test :slight_smile:

There is going to be an interesting look at ‘Men and Divorce’ on 20/20 Downtown tonight. Should shed some light on the subject of why divorced men (such as myself), have a lot of trouble dating again. My take on the issue is: the process and act of divorcing empowers women and degrades men, particularly when there are children involved. Society and the law both expect that men don’t love their children and that the natural place for the kids after a divorce is with the mother. This invalidates fathers as a part of the family unit, and fathers typically see themselves as the cornerstone of the family unit. Anyway, that’s not why I’m posting…

I am exactly what the author of that article would describe as a heterosexual ‘sissy’, only I have confidence, leadership and a healthy level of agressiveness. I find that it is easy for me to get dates, but hard to get second dates…

This confuses the heck out of me, because it is the ‘getting a date’ part that makes me the most uneasy. I’m pretty relaxed when I’m out with someone, and find it easy to be myself. I’m confident, intelligent, not ‘needy’, and I have a life that I would love to share with someone. I’m happy already, but I think I could be more happy if I had an intimate relationship with a woman in my life. I’m very much aware of the fact that I don’t like to have ‘friendships’ with women, unless there’s a practical reason for it, like I work with them or something. What I don’t quite understand is that women almost always act ‘surprised’ when I call them back for a second date. And most of the time I get played around with when I do that. How hard is it to say ‘no, I didn’t like you’?

According to the article, I should expect that, and I should call back fifty times until they agree to go out again. Well… like I said before, I’m not needy.

<Begging and pleading is how I got my first wife… and that didn’t work out too well so I’m not too happy with that strategy>

Any suggestions? Maybe we should open another thread called - HELP! get dna_man a worthy date!

I would be happy to subject my ‘lack of sex’ life to the scrutiny of the SDMB :slight_smile:

42

New around here, huh?

The bravery of the inexperienced!

43

No I’m not new. I’m well aware of the possibility that opens up. I have no idea why my post count is so low. It was in the hundreds before the crash.

I would be willing to bet that nobody has the guts to take me up on that offer. If so, I have the guts to go through with it.

What I’m talking about here is basically a message board version of “Blind Date”… where people comment on my behavior. I’ve got more than enough humility to take it, and I’m so frustrated with the dating scene that I’m willing to do almost anything.

44

Pull up! Pull up! Abort! Eject!

This is the exact wrong way to go about securing a smooching partner. What’s the point of entering into a relationship with an ulterior motive? Why are you trying to trick this woman? Do you think you’re unworthy to straight-up flirt and ask her for a date? Then why should she bother with you? You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake, if I may borrow a phrase. There are plenty of men in the world who are just as smart, funny, and dashingly handsome as you, who have the added advantage of possessing the huevos to be upfront with a woman. There is a reason sitcoms talk endlessly of the dangers of the Friend Zone. If you enter the Friend Zone, you are doomed.

Anticipatory qualification: I know that you, Doper whose cursor is even now hovering over the “reply” button, are currently in a relationship with a wonderful woman/man/video cassette recorder who began as your friend. You laughed and cried together about your various romantic hijinks, and then one day, just realized how perfect you were for each other, and are living in bliss even now. Best decision you ever made. Don’t say it can’t happen to you, because it can.

Right.

On the other hand, you didn’t become friends with this man/woman/four-slice toaster with the understanding that if only he/she/it had the time to get to know the real you, he/she/it would finally wake up and stop dating Risky McSuntan and finally join you in love-saturated fields of peonies and unicorns and little kittens and shit. You were probably just friends for a while, and then circumstances happened. Bully for you. The universe is a happy place sometimes.

Our friend wants to consciously take the Friend Path to Romanceville, and we all know that this will only lead to disaster.

In summary: Don’t try to sneak your way into a romantic relationship. Be brave enough to risk the ten or thirty or number-of-grains-of-sand-on-the-beach rejections you’ll have to slog through before some enlightened young thing recognizes your charms and agrees to smooch you.

45

Its not that easy. I have no clue what to say, and when I do think of something it comes out wrong. And then I hear that I’m a jerk even though none of you know me. How am I suposed to work on myself? How do I do that? Sorry If I seem mean I’m just frustrated. I just want to know what to do.

46

How you work on yourself:

Just do the things you want to do, be the person you want to be. If you like the outdoors, go on some interesting hikes in some beautiful places, so you’ll have stories to tell about the places you’ve been. If you’re a computer geek, build yourself a funky website. If you’re a handyman, buy a fixer-upper and fix it up. Whatever you’re into, both at work and at play, just do it, and have a good time. Alone, with friends, whatever.

I speak from experience on this point: if you wait around for that special someone to have a good time with, before you have a good time, you may be waiting awhile. I didn’t have my first real kiss until I was 20, didn’t meet my wife until I was just shy of 35. In between, my longest continuous relationship lasted 9 months, and I had droughts between involvements of as long as four years.

Yeah, some of the time, the loneliness was very hard to bear. But I also had some great times, on my own and with friends, during those years. One summer between semesters of grad school, I took six weeks to drive across the country and back, alone. Hiked down into the Grand Canyon, saw the sun set over the Pacific, saw Devil’s Tower by the last rays of the sun near the end of an 800-mile drive, and found myself in the middle of a flock of bighorn sheep in Glacier National Park. Oh, and was incredibly bored during my brief stop in Las Vegas, but you live and learn. :slight_smile:

And figure out what you like and what you don’t, career-wise. You don’t have to make a lot of money to impress the babes - I’m dead serious about this - but if you know where you want to go with your life, they like that. Hell, they even like it if you don’t know what you want to do, but are at least actively trying to sort through the possibilities and figure it out.

So that’s how to ‘work on yourself’: whatever turns you on, besides women obviously, do a bunch of it, have some good times, and see where that takes you.

47

Maybe I should clearify somethings though. No girl ever said I was “too nice” I just assumed thats why because the girl I like her last b/f (who dumped her) was a jerk to me for no reason. I never felt this way before, now its like I feel like something is missing. I just wish i new what. i just need someone whether it be romanticly or just friends I just need someone.

48

Strong words, but I’ve found that not many people will bother dissecting you if you ask for it, even throwing in bravado like that. Not lack of guts; just lack of interest.

Can we go back to playing Dear Abby with Xan? It’s his thread. Sorry for hijacking it.

49

Golly, Lux Fiat, you know me so well it is scary. You were were so right with every line of you post I am about to explode.

I guess I have to concede here and say that the Friend Zone is a bad idea, and thank you for putting it in perspective for me.

But . . .

For some, being up front with a woman is near impossible. I did my best to offer an alternate solution, but I failed miserably. I couldn’t recreate me falling in love with my SO even if I had the flux capacitor. So how about this for advice from experience: If you won’t/can’t go out and make it happen by asking girls out, you have to rely on the Fates to bring you love where you would least expect it, and that’s when it will come. So I guess to echo what everyone else is saying don’t be so worried about it, and it will be more likely to come to you, if you aren’t willing to go to it.

Slight hijack:
I have had a number of relationships in my 16 years, and I don’t think I’ve ever really picked a girl up. It always just kinda happened; I never initiated it. But that’s not to say I never had enough courage. One of my proudest moments was my Freshman year. I had been pining over the most beautiful girl in our class, the one that all the guys swooned over. I actually had the balls to ask her to Homecoming; of course she said no. Even if she did kind of like me, a popular girl like her would never stoop to go out with a nerd like me. But that wasn’t the point of the story. Over the year I became friends with one of the most popular guys in our class (friends only on the internet of course, no way a popular guy would stoop to be friends with a nerd like me.) Anyway, I told him at the end of the school year that I had asked her to Homecoming and he told me that he and a couple other guys wanted to ask her, but didn’t have the guts. It felt pretty damn good.

50

I’m not sure, but perhaps her ex-boyfriend sensed that you had feelings for the girl and was a jerk to you for that reason? Of course, that smacks on insecurity on his part, but it could be a possibility.

But just because this girl didn’t date you doesn’t mean that she isn’t attracted to nice guys. It might mean that she simply isn’t attracted to you. It’s probably not your fault, it’s probably not her fault; the chemistry just isn’t there.

I’m going to echo what lots of others have said - do activities that you enjoy, join clubs that interest you. Don’t think so hard about getting a girlfriend and just have fun.

51

If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come. The readiness is all.

52

I had the same problem, until I started being so nice to girls. You don’t have to be an asshole, just treat them like you would other acquaintances, don’t kiss ass. Worked wonders for me.

53

Um, stopped, not started. But I guess that’s obvious in context.

54

Actually Badtz I read your paragraph about four times in utter puzzlement before reading the correction. This is one of those rare times where I’m actually profoundly grateful for the follow-up post!

I like what Lux Fiat said. It’s right on the nose, I think. Friends who become lovers are of a different breed to those who become friends to try to become lovers. The latter is really just a path to disaster.

Xan, nobody has said that you are a jerk, we’ve only said that it is one of several possibilities. Admittedly this is cold comfort, but this is the pit after all. No warm fuzzies here.

Believe me, there are some wonderful things that you can do now as a single guy that you probably won’t be able to do in a relationship. I can’t tell you which things they are, because that will vary from individual to individual. But I’ll bet dollars to donuts that however compatible your future partner is with you, there WILL be some things you like that she doesn’t.

So enjoy your life now. As RTF said, don’t sit around waiting for it to start. Do those things you like doing and forget about relationships. This is how you gain an aura of self-confidence and balance and it is the only way, because those things can’t be faked.

Believe me, I know that of which I speak. As an 18 - 20 year old I was as dreadful as anyone in terms of moping and wishing for “a relationship”. Then at about 20 I realised how pathetic I was being and concentrated on living my life my way. All of a sudden I was Mr Attractive (well - within reason, obviously).

I met the kabbess and never looked back. But I’m glad I did some of the things I wanted to do whilst single, because it is a lot harder for me to do them now. (On the other hand a whole raft of other experiences have opened up for me instead. Friendships with other people are great for opening up new horizons, but I digress).

So don’t sweat it. Like a cat, ignore it and it will come to you. But don’t ever blame others. There is, after all, only one person responsible for your life.

pan

(Dropzone you have shocked me twice. One - I am in somebody’s sig. And two - was that thread really a whole year ago?! Good gravy.)

55

Oh, hey, you don’t have to tell me. My own life is subject to what we may diplomatically call a gap between theory and practice. Fear of rejection can be profound.

Hee hee. Here’s mine: Sophomore year of college, I’d been doing the whole “getting to know you, maybe we’ll smooch, we’re taking it slow” thing for a while with this girl. One night, I walk her back to her room, and we say good night. I turn back as I’m leaving, and, buttressed by a cosmic blood alcohol level, say, “Taking it slow my ass. I know you want to. You know you want to. What the fuck are we doing?”

“Goodnight, Steve,” she responded.

To this day, one of my proudest moments, no joke.

Nothing ever happened, of course; she wanted to be friends. And the sad fact is that had I not been engaged in what would turn out to be a futile and emasculating pursuit of this girl, I could have been running around like goddamned Senator Pan with any of a number of women who found me perfectly acceptable.

By the way, my little “anticipatory qualification” wasn’t necessarily intended for you specifically. I’ve just been around here long enough to know that as soon as you say, “this doesn’t work,” someone will immediately post with a story of how it did, in fact, work for him. I was just attempting to head that off at the pass. Plus, I really wanted to use the name “Risky McSuntan.”

56

Happy loving couples make it look so easy
Happy loving couples always talk so kind
Until the time that I can do my dancing with a partner
Those happy couples ain’t no friends of mine

57

And I am glad you did.

58

And you can’t forget the Nice Guys’ Lament:

Is she really going out with him?
Is she really going to take him home tonight?
Is she really going out with him?
If my eyes don’t deceive me, there’s something going wrong 'round here.

59

I believe that lovers should be tied together
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
Left there to drown,
Left there to drown in their innocence.

  • Bright Eyes, A Perfect Sonnet
60

I like nice guys. I always have. I date nice guys, I hang out with nice guys, or at least I try to.

However assholes seem to be attracted to me like flies to shit. I always end up getting chased around the pub by some schmuck who thinks that telling me he has a pregnant girlfriend he beats up will make his no-teeth havin redneck ass attractive.

It’s just a royal pain to blow off guys who think they can treat me like a hooker on a regular basis - but oh well, shit happens I guess.

Anyway, it is not at all true that nice guys don’t get women or that women don’t want nice guys. The nice guys just have to realize we won’t expect them to look like a supermodel and they shouldn’t expect perfectly nice geek chicks like me to look like one either.