Do you know the difference between men and women?
When men board this commuter flight we call life, we receive a complementary bag of nuts.
I said it was stupid, what have you come up with?
Why don’t you drive on snow tires in the summer?
Because they’ll melt!!!
Why did the intelligent owl not have a girlfriend?
Because he was too witty too woo.
I thank you. 
Do gay comedy duos have straight men?
What do you call it when a primate berates the waiter for the quality of his pie? An orangutan meringue harangue.
Ok, these are not mine but my sister’s.
Q: What did the two turds say when they walked into the restaurant?
A: Table for poo!
Q. What did the two turds-on-fire say when they walked into the restaurant?
A: Table for poo - smoking!
Q: What did the two Native American turds say when they walked into the restaurant?
A: Reservation for poo!
You asked for stupid, right? I thought I heard the word “stupid.”
I believe Rainer Deyke is responsible for the first three:
Q: What do you get when you cross a human with a skunk?
A: A skunk that smells so bad it has to use a deodorant!
Q: What do you get when you cross a human with a 500 pound gorilla?
A: Someone who pollutes anywhere they want to!
Q: What is it when one human calls another human an animal?
A: Flattery.
Q: Why did humans invent writing?
A: So they could remember what their instincts are.
Q: How many humans does it take to make a civilization?
A: At least six billion, 'cause we’re not there yet.
Q: How do you know when a human has been in your wilderness?
A: It’s gone.
Q: How do you know when a human is through exploiting you?
A: It’s heart isn’t beating.
Q: What will happen when humans discover that they’re not the only intelligent beings?
A: They’ll try to fix that.
Q: Humans are easily satisfied, it only takes two things. What are they?
A: Being rich, or dead.
Q: Why does a human talk?
A: So it doesn’t have to think.
[sup]Let me explain: I’m in Korea, and the drink of choice here is “soju”… colorless, looks like water. The Korean word for water is “Mool”, and the Korean expression for 'I don’t know is “Mol-i-yo”… thus setting up this (if I may say) brilliant pun:[/sup]
My Korean fiancee (in Korean): Igot mool ku-dam-eh soju? (is this water or soju (in this glass)?)
Astroboy: MOOL-i-yo! (pun: water/ I don’t know mixed together…) I fall in laughter to the floor…
My Korean fiancee: (says nothing, but stares at me as if to say: “What’s wrong with that boy?”
Koreans have no sense of humor…
How do you tell a straitjacket was made in Poland?
It has pockets.
-Myron, descended from a long line of Polacks.
Why didn’t Captain Kirk go to bed with the blonde?
He didn’t want to go where EVERY man had gone before.
What do you call the force that holds that thingy that you use to change the room temprature to the wall?
Thermostatic cling
What do you call a person standing in the middle of a church?
The Center of Mass.
I’m not sure what this says about me, but I found this one rather amusing. 
A friend of mine gave to the Save the San Andreas Foundation. He was always generous to a fault.
Do you know what happens when you eat food contaminated with radiation?
You get “Atomic” ache.
Please, don’t throw anything hard at me.
(This is actually from my sister.)
I went to the doctor the other day and said “Hey Doc, did you find any change in my stomach?” and the doctor says “No, why would I find change in your stomach?” and I say “Because I swallowed a roll of quarters!”
rimshot
All of this is strictly original material. Yeah, I know, and you’re glad too…
Sex is like a sports car, the faster you go, the more often you wreck it.
Never eat oysters when you’re lonely.
I’m so in touch with my feminine side it filed a harassment suit against me!
And now for my immortal Rodney Dangerfield impression:
[Rodney Dangerfield]
My sex life, it’s so terrible, I’ve got condoms with expired date codes,
The girl at the library won’t even date my books
The girl at the supermarket won’t even check out my groceries.
::shrugs::
I ask this lady for a date and she tells me to go climb a palm tree.
This woman asked me out for a bite. We step outside and she bites me!
::straightens tie::
Look up the word “celibacy” in the dictionary, there’s my picture.
::pulls at shirt collar::
Sheesh, I’m telling you…
What is the difference between an elephant and a ham sandwich?
(I don’t know, what?)
Man, you must be really stupid if you can’t tell the difference between an elephant and a ham sandwich! Hey! Check out the guy who doesn’t know the difference between an elephant and a ham sandwich! What an idiot! hahahaha!
Ok I was in 4th grade when I made that one up, so cut me some slack.
WHat do you get if you cross beer and denture adhesive?
Saint Pauli Grip