Stupidest Things You've Heard In A Porn Flick

The BBQ Pit
41

Well, we have this “instructional” video on Oral Sex that we got somewhere. It takes itself very seriously, which makes it hard to watch without cracking up.

Anyway, the narration sounds like a typical scripted “How to use your Bandsaw safely” or “Enjoying the features in your new Buick LaSable!” video. At one point the narrator talks about showering or bathing before oral sex to make it more pleasurable for your partner. But she adds:

“The vagina, like the eye, is a self-cleaning organ.”

Something about the way she says this… plus the analogy of the eye… it was just so incongruous. We laughed and laughed.

42

Um, for the record, it was Linda Lovelace’s roommate in the movie that says this line. Linda has just walked in on the two of them in the kitchen.

And Krispy, credit where credit is due–that was funny!

43

Re: Esprix’s, “A horse snorts.”
huh. Talk about a one-trick-pony…:wink:

44

I know it was her roommate who delivered that line. Sorry I wasn’t more specific. However, my statement about Linda Lovelace and the potentially orgasmic quality of White Castle hamburgers stands.

45

A friend of my husband’s loaned him a copy of “Ginger’s Sex Asylum” and bad as it was, I remember one scene vividly. One of the “inmates” - a scrawny-looking guy in a white hospital gown - suddenly sqats down, clucks like a chicken, and lays an egg. He picks it up, looks at it, and smashes it agains his forehead.

I’m certain there’s something deep and profound about that, but for the life of me, I can’t figger it out…
And NOTHING compares with the theme song from “Deep Throat”!!!

46

Uhh, because my eyes are closed in rapture? Seriously, the oohs and aahs are helpful.

47

First of all, I find the popularity of this thread to be quite interesting. Hamadryad’s admonition notwithstanding, I’m fascinated that people find it safe to confess their viewing habits in the context of mocking them. I can’t help but think that if someone started an IMHO or MPSIMS thread that simply asked, “What are your favorite porno movies,” it would have disappeared like an anvil dropped into a well.

Now, that said, I don’t have anything to contribute regarding stupid stuff heard in a porno, simply because the dialogue is generally so ridiculous. (Anybody see the big-budget pirate movie Conquest? Remember the fingernails-on-chalkboard overacting of that one prince guy with the goofy mustache?) Regardless of setting, it seems like nobody can come up with dialogue better than the expected, “Yeah, eat that pussy. Eat it. You like eating that pussy? Oh yeah, eat that pussy. Lick it. Oh yeah.” When this same dialogue is coming from secretaries, waitresses, policewomen, Amazons, prison guards, car-wash attendants, princesses, etc., to me it all qualifies as stupid.

But I will mention something outrageously bizarre I saw:

Clown sex.

Seriously.

IIRC, it’s a scene in Michael Ninn’s New Wave Hookers 5 (I can’t believe I actually know this). Two women are entertaining themselves on a street corner. A clown walks by: funny wig, big shoes, red nose, makeup, the whole bit. He stops and engages the women. However, he never takes off his billowy satin clown shirt, or the makeup, wig, and nose. From the waist down, he’s a porno actor: he gets his knob polished, multiple-orifice penetration, and so on. From the waist up, he’s a clown straight out of a children’s birthday party.

Whoa.

Until this scene, the movie was pretty hot. I’m sure some viewers found a specific fetish (perhaps previously unknown) rather fiercely stimulated, but for me it was a serious buzzkill.

48

Oh, one more thing:

Helpful hint: Use both hands to type.

:wink:

49

I swear, I’ve never seen a real porno, other than that wimpy stuff on Cinemax and HBO after midnight. It’s not some puritanical thing, I just don’t really care for it either way. Whatever floats your boat.

Although, I have to admit, those HBO Real Sex documentaries are good for laughs. Masterbation classes for the elderly…

50

I think this was a HBO real sex thing, but I could be wrong. Cervaise’s clown comments made me think of it.

There was a group of clowns having a clown orge, and then they cut to a single clown, and he was talking about how he got his rocks off. I don’t remember what led up to this, but this sentence came out of his mouth:

"Everytime I see a cake, I just want to stick my ass in it!"

51

Not a porno, but great sex dialog nonetheless:

Marge: (after relating Mel Gibson’s finer points to Homer) “Let’s make love!”
Homer: “Okay.”
-lights go out, kissing sounds can be heard-
-lights come back on after a few seconds-
Homer: “You’re thinking of me, right?”
Marge: “Of course, Homey. You’re thinking of me too, aren’t you?”
Homer: “I will now!”

52

<any porn at all>

thwack thwack thwack
Yeah, you like that cock!
thwack thwack thwack

or

MMMMMMMmmmmmm, I love your COCK!

or

Oh yeah! Yeah, baby. Oh oh oh. Yeah YEEESSSS!
(puh-leez!)

53

To all of you mocking porn dialogue:

Gimme a break. How many of you are witty and erudite while making the sign of the beast with two backs? Somehow I doubt you’re qouting Shakespeare. On second thought, that might be appropriate. “Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more…” That’d sure stiffen your sinews.

Mouthbreather: Yep, that clown orgy was on Real Sex. Wasn’t as good as the tour of a dildo factory with the soundtrack to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory playing in the background, though.

54

True enough, and I’ll grant you that. Then again, I don’t recall having seen a porno movie in which anyone said, “Get off my hair! Agghh!” or, “Hip cramp. fuck Fuck FUCK, HIP CRAMP!” or, “No, sweetie, you can’t come in…no no no, Mommy and Daddy are having alone time now…no, I’m not going to open the door honey.”

:smiley:

55

I always thought it would be interesting to make a somewhat more realistic porno. Nothing complicated, I’m just talking scenarios leading to sex that are more realistic than ‘I was trying to find the secret files at The Anal Oasis when I was caught by Mistress Helga…’. I don’t know about most people, but I find realistic depictions of people having sex without the close-ups and crazy camera angles a lot more of a turn-on than most pornos - some R rated movies do more for me than any hardcore flick, also amateur videos are nice.

56

While we were making out we didn’t quote Shakespeare, but we did quote the Bible: “Praise the Lord!”. “Praise the Lord!”

57

A Sunday School teacher (bear with me, this really does relate somewhat to the OP) asks her class what part of the body goes to Heaven first to be with God.

Little Mary says, “Your brain, because that’s what you think with.”

Little Johnny says, “Your heart, because that’s what you love with.”

Little Cindy says, “Your feet.”

The teacher does a double-take, and says, “Why would you say ‘feet’, Little Cindy?”

Little Cindy says, “Well, last night I couldn’t sleep, and I heard noise in Mommy and Daddy’s room. I looked in, and Daddy was laying on top of Mommy, sorta pushing at her, and Mommy was saying ‘Oh God! I’m coming! I’m coming!’”

58

Ooh yeah baby, you like words in all caps, dontcha babe?

I was obviously joking with my “sesnitive man” comment, Ham, but if you consider obvious jokes about porn as backhanded puritanical judgements about those who watch erotica then I don’t know what to tell ya.

Sheesh.

59

Heeeeyyyyy…who had the camera in my bedroom??? :eek:

60

Heh, I remember seeing a flick when, just before this guy drops a facial–he says, “OOOooh baby, you want some Oil of Olay?”

Eheh-heh-heh.

:smiley: