Teenage guy, needs work on his rap

Clearly, you are a caring and invoved parent, and I apologize if I misconstrued joking allusions to your frustrations with not getting laid enough in high school as creepy (it’s not like I can’t relate to the attractiveness of teenage girls. As a comedian once said, “if a girl has a nice ass, she probably works out. If she has a great ass, then she’s probably 16.” Now who is the creepy one?!)

Still, I would try and avoid being too caught up in the social highs and lows of your son. If, as you say, he has so much going for him, then he’ll be fine. Maybe he won’t have as many sexual conquests as other guys, but that need not prevent him from being a well-rounded, successful individual. Indeed, the time he is devoting to interests like acting are only going to make him a more interesting person, and his “struggles” with social activities are going to make him more empathetic when encountering other people who don’t always fit in. These are important qualities.

I say this not as a parent, but as a (relatively) well adjusted 29 year old adult who was never very involved in all of the cliques that predominate teenage life. I was only a few months shy of 18 before I even held a girl’s hand (granted, I lost my virginity to her a month or so later, but it took a while before I got the ball rolling). Even now, I’m not the type who always has a girlfriend.

Still, I’m happy, productive, and am making successful inroads on a promising career. I know I am an eligible bachelor, so I’m not too stressed about who is available. I’ve seen a lot of “popular” kids, OTOH, who are already married, with kids, and not too happy about those choices in life. We all progress at different paces, and it may be to your son’s advantage that his pace is different then the mainstream.

If you make it seem like a big deal, however, he might get worried about being different. He’ll make clumsy awkward advances to try and live up to your standard, even if you are only trying to help him realize his potential. He may get bogged down in the need to “score”, and his desperation could led him to gravitate towards people or situations that are not particularly healthy or responsible (the best way to make a ton of friends as a teenager in a short amount of time? Sadly, one answer is to start smoking pot).

So, IMHO, just chill. If he asks you for advice, tell him how you met his mother (surely, there was some suaveness to your experience). But don’t feel like you need to proffer unsolicited techniques, even if delivered with utmost sincerity or caring. He’s a good kid; you’ve already determined that. So rest assured that his good qualities will become apparent to the women around him in the time frame that is appropriate to him.

The one thing I heard that was more true than anything was said by Chris Rock. Talking to a woman is like bowling. You set 'em up and she’ll knock 'em down.

You pose the question and she’ll talk. Don’t try so hard, and don’t talk when you should be listening. Let her steer the conversation, and as long as you have a relevant comment and keep setting 'em up… she’ll knock 'em down.

Then, when the time is right (and only when the time is right)… Strike like cobra!

I realize how you could try to express yourself on this topic and have it misconstrued. It does sound a little creepy, but I really think in reality it is not as it has come across here.

I have 4 kids. I am hoping they eschew pursuing serious long term relationships and the hassle and baggage they entail until they have discovered who they are. I have a a friend who is 21 who has amazing plans for his life but keeps getting sidetracked each time he falls in “love”. He is missing out on so much because he is preoccupied with being in a relationship.

Anyway…

Everyone thought my brother was gay because he was socially awkward and didn’t have a lot of friends, needless to say not a lot of girlfriends. Eventually he found a young hottie who loves comic book conventions and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and now they are married. I can only imagine his misery if he had decided to mold himself into something society says is attractive so he could win the heart (and pussy) of some dime a dozen bottle blond who’s great ambition is Macy’s next sale. Don’t make your kids feel like he has to conform to someone else’s standards to get some ass. Let him go without.

When he is nailing some young hottie who is a perfect fit for him, when he finds the girl who is the yin to his yang, and he is screwing her just the right way, and she is letting him do dirty things to her, and they are both moaning and screaming in ecstasy, he will then cry out, “Thanks Daddy!”.

See…now THAT is creepy.

Just think about all the money you’ll save on Bombay Mahal takeout with a desi daughter-in-law, Dinsdale. It will almost be worth the operatic breakdown her parents will have.

You think I’m kidding but I’m really not…it’s like reverse Asianization or something. And if he takes up with one of them, he’s actually going to be getting the rebellious independent, not the cowering mouse.

Oh, and I met my current boyfriend through my blog, which is one shade of loser better than my parents arranging my marriage!!

That approach is excellent if it works. If not…

Much like all other approaches…

Whaddaya want? A warrantee?