Tell Me a Joke

[Elendil_s_Heir]

More Commie humor:

A North Korean judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. “I just heard the funniest joke in the world!” “Well, go ahead, tell me!” says the other judge. “I can’t - I just gave a guy ten years for it!”

---

It’s the early 1990s and the soon-to-fail Soviet coup. Three men sit in a jail in KGB headquarters at Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, and he says, “Because I criticized Gorbachev.” The first man responds, “But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Gorbachev!” They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail too. He responds, “I’m Mikhail Gorbachev.”

---

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store, however due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is excessively long, the man loses his nerve and screams, “I can’t take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev! I’m going to the Kremlin right now and I’m going to kill him!” After 40 minutes the man returns, and begins elbowing his way back to his place in the vodka queue as the crowd looks on. They begin to ask if he succeeded in killing Gorbachev, to which the man replies: “No, I got to the Kremlin, but the line to kill Gorbachev was far too long, so I decided to come back and wait for my vodka.”

---

Stalin’s ghost appears to Vladimir Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says, “Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue.” “Why blue?” Putin asks. “Ha!” says Stalin. “I knew you wouldn’t ask me about the first part.”

---

Stalinist Russia in 1947. Two policemen are standing on a streetcorner in Moscow fifteen minutes before midnight. A civilian runs by and one of the policemen shoots him.
“What’d you do that for?” the other cop protests. “He had another fifteen minutes to get home.”
The first cop shrugs. “I know where he lives. He never would’ve made it.”

---

The Soviet Union falls and the Romanov monarchy is restored. Gorbachev is exiled to Siberia. Months later he learns that his wife, back in Moscow, is very ill, and he grows desperate to see her. He is finally able to get the new Tsar on the phone, and begs the monarch to permit him to return to the capital to attend to his ailing wife. The Tsar puts his hand over the receiver and says to his closest advisor, “I don’t know, what do you think, Gromyko?”

---

A commissar is haranguing factory workers during the Russian Revolution. He says, “When we have communism, you will all have a five-day workweek! When we have communism, you will all have dachas of your own! And when we have communism, you will all have strawberries and cream for every supper!”

One worker tentatively raises his hand and says, “But I don’t like strawberries and cream.”

The commissar glares at him and says, “When we have communism, you will all like strawberries and cream!”

[dham61]

Cant figure out how to do it.
Thanks.

[voguevixen]

@dham61

Cant figure out how to do it.
Thanks.

use:

<spoiler>whatever you’re spoiling</spoiler>

But use brackets instead of <>

[cochrane]

Here are some for the upcoming holiday season.

What’s red and white and falls through the chimney with a sack of broken toys?

Santa Klutz.

Why don’t Santa and Mrs. Claus have children?

Santa only comes once a year, and that’s down the chimney.

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Centipede.”
“Centipede who?”
“Centipede on the Christmas tree and shorted out all of the lights.”

[Elendil_s_Heir]

Three statisticians go hunting one fine autumn day out in the woods. A deer runs in front of them.

One statistician shoots ahead of it.

The second shoots behind it.

The third shouts, “We got it!”

---

Joe retires and builds his dream house on a mountain in West Virginia. He’s just settling in when there’s a loud knock at the door. He opens it to see a huge, unkempt man in a torn red plaid shirt, jeans with suspenders, beer belly and an enormous bushy beard.

“The name’s Big Earl,” the man booms. “I live on the next hill over. I guess we’re neighbors now, huh?”

“Hello, Big Earl,” Joe says. “Won’t you come in?”

“No, thanks. Just wanted to invite you to my party on Saturday.”

“Oh, uh… thanks. Sure, I’ll come.”

“Great. Six o’clock; don’t be late.” Big Earl is about to go, then turns back and says, “You know, I guess I should warn ya… there’s usually a lot of weird drugs at my parties.”

“That’s OK,” says Joe. “I’ve been known to partake.”

Big Earl grunts. “I guess I should also warn you, there’s a lot of drinkin’ at my parties. I mean, a LOT of drinking.”

“No problem.”

Big Earl nods. “And, just so y’know… there’s a lot of wild, kinky sex at my parties.”

Joe wonders what he’s agreed to, but says, “That’s OK, too. I’ll be there. But tell me, would you like me to bring anything? What should I wear?”

Big Earl shrugs. “Won’t matter none. Just gonna be the two of us, anyway.”

[TPWombat]

@voguevixen

…So this elderly woman is visiting her doctor and he asks “Is there anything troubling you?” She says “My husband and I have been married 60 years and have had sex every night since our honeymoon except for last night.” He proffers many reasons why that might be the case.

A few weeks later, she’s back in the office for an unrelated reason. The Dr. questions her about the sex life thing and she replies “You were right, he was rarin’ to go first thing in the morning, like usual.”

Since noone appears to have done a corrected version, here’s the one I heard :

An elderly couple totter in to see the doctor. The husband says, “Doctor, me and the wife just don’t seem to get pleasure from sex any more”.

The doctor asks “Um, how old are you both”

“I’m 84, and my wife is 81”

“Right…so when did you first notice the problem?”

“Twice last night and then again this morning”.

[TPWombat]

When Gene Pitney died the funeral director warned his family that they would have to wait 3 days to have a coffin made from oak, but only 24 hours from balsa.

When Gary Gygax died nerds all over the world held a one minute silence 10’ radius.

[MHaye]

In the last quarter of the 20th century, there lived, in a small pueblo near the city of Bilbao in Spain, a struggling peasant farmer, his wife and three young children.

One day, a stranger called at the farmhouse. He was a partner in a firm of lawyers practicing in Madrid, and he brought news that the farmer was the last living heir of Spain’s former richest man, who died leaving them a fortune - the equivalent of five billion US dollars.

Once the inheritance had been transferred, the family embarked on a world tour. The first stop on their itinerary was London, where they stayed at a world-famous hotel. Being simple people, they were impressed by things we take for granted. The concept of a revolving door entranced them. They would spend hours going in and out, walking round and round. Since they were rich, the hotel tolerated these eccentricities in their clients. The family liked playing “see how many we can squeeze into one section of the door.” This, of course, led to their undoing.

One day, they got all five of the family in one section going out of the building, but the door got stuck with the five of them trapped. Several people tried moving them to no avail. Eventually, a burly Irishman passing by saw they were stuck and charged the door. The impact unstuck the door and threw the family out and into the street, where they all got run over by a passing bus.

And the moral of this story is…Don’t put all your Basques in one exit.

d&r

[Der_Trihs]

Q. What do you get if you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an atheist?
A. Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.
She may be your friend, and she may be a girl, but your mother does not count as a “girlfriend”.
"My last henchman failed me terribly. We all ate well that night. Filet minion. "
I recently joined a religion called “Jenova’s Witnesses.” It’s based on the teachings of a man who played Final Fantasy VII more than he should have.

[QUOTE=Bill Hicks]
A guy says, “I hate Jews,” and I said, “Why?” He goes, “Because they killed my God.” They believe that. If I believed that the Jews killed my God, I’d worship the Jews, 'cause shit, there’s some badasses on that team, man.
[/QUOTE]

God shouldn’t have told Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge. He should have told them not to eat talking snakes.
“If work really sucked I’d smile a lot more while there.”
Q: What’s the difference between God and a brain surgeon?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a brain surgeon.

A brilliant gynecologist got bored. His work was dull, and every woman he dated seemed like just another patient. So he quit his practice and went to auto mechanic’s school.

He soared through every class, making top marks every time. Then came the final exam. He had to diagnose, tear down and reassemble an engine, while being timed.

The next day, he was called into the office. All the instructors and the principal were there.
“Doctor, this has never happened before. You scored 150 on your final.”

“How’s that possible? You said the highest score was 100.”

He spread out the charts. “You diagnosed every problem, even one we weren’t aware of. You tore down the engine and reassembled it perfectly, in record time. And, gosh, we had to give you extra credit for doing it all through the muffler.”

A robber breaks into a home and hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”

Startled, he asks, “Who said that?”

Again, the voice says, “Jesus is watching you.”

The robber turns around to see a parrot. He asks the parrot what his name is. The parrot replies, “Moses.”

The robber asks, “Who names a parrot ‘Moses’?”

The parrot replies, “The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus.”

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde, all pregnant, are sitting in the OB/GYN waiting room, talking about their future babies.

The brunette says, “I’m having a boy, because when we did it, I was on the bottom.”

The redhead says, “I’m having a girl, because I was on top.”

The blonde begins to weep. The other women ask her what’s wrong; she replies, “I’m gonna have puppies!”

[QUOTE=Robert Wilensky]
“We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.”
[/QUOTE]

Electrons have mass!? I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

A man comes to a famous tailor, and orders a suit. A few days later, the tailor calls him, and tells him to come for additional measurements. then more, and more… Finally, a month later, the suit is ready.

The man is somewhat angry, so he says:

"What’s that supposed to mean? God created the world in six days, and you needed a month to make a suit ?! "

The tailor smiled and said:

“Sir. Just look at the world, and look at the suit.”

The point of the 2nd Amendment is that you have the right to “bear arms”, i.e. the US government cannot infringe on your rights to transgenically or surgically alter yourself by replacing your arms with those from a grizzly bear. It was a very forward-looking amendment.
“Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.”
The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right. - Mark Twain
Tolkien joke from another forum:

[QUOTE=Adjudicator]
The light of the Silmaril formed the “Star of Earendil”, which we today know as Venus. Which, if interpreted properly, indicates that Earendil, while breathing in space, can support the weight of a 4.87 yottagram planet on his forehead. No way any other man can match that. He could murder them with a headbutt due to his ridiculously-powerful neck muscles.
[/QUOTE]

[Chef_Troy]

Bob and John were brothers. They got to talking one night about their great-grandfather, who was 98 and living in a nursing home.

“You know, Bob,” said John, “I bet Grampy ain’t had any female companionship in a long time, stuck up there at that old folks’ home.”

“Probably not,” agreed Bob. “You know what we should do? We should pool our money and get him the best hooker we can afford!”

And that’s just what they did. The following night, Grampy was sitting up in bed watching Matlock and waiting for dinner, and suddenly, the door of his room opened. The most beautiful blonde he’d ever seen lets herself in and locks the door behind her. “Hi, handsome,” she says. “Bob and John sent me here to offer you super sex!”

Grampy thinks about it, and then says,

“If it’s all the same to you, young lady, I’ll take the soup.”

[missinformation]

Mr. and Mrs. Hill are driving along a dark road and swerve to avoid hitting an animal. Their car hits a tree and the accident is just horrific.

A mad scientist and his assistant hear the accident and run out to see if they can do anything to help the couple. The scientist sends Igor back in for gurneys and then they bring the victims in.

Mad scientist has been experimenting on animals with different songs. He preps the couple and goes in the other room, leaving Igor there.

Igor comes racing out, yelling, “Master, Master, it’s a miracle!!! Your experiment works with humans!!!” The scientist asks him, “Igor, what do you mean???”

Igor jumps up and down all excitedly and then says,

(Ok, it is really bad…)

(Prepare to groan)

(Don’t go any farther unless you want a really bad pun)

(final warning…)

(okay, you asked for it…)

“Master, the Hills are alive with the sound of music!!!”

[Zeldar]

As I do from time to time, today I was looking back at some old threads and found these that y’all might enjoy:

Some Joke Threads

Some Joke Threads
08-27-2010, 11:22 AM
a collection of better-than-average threads with jokes as the reason they exist

Ruin a joke

Ruin a joke
06-22-2005, 01:38 PM
I didn’t want to be the one to kick this zombie in the nuts, but I would surely participate if one of y’all would!

[King_Salami]

Another version of the joke told by Chef Troy:

An elderly couple are getting ready for bed, the old guy is in bed reading a book when his wife jumps out of the bathroom, she is wearing high heels, fishnet stockings, garter belt, a push up bra, a cape and she yells “Super Pussy!”

The old guy looks at her over his reading glasses and says “I will have the soup”

[voguevixen]

Rebumping because suddenly…

(Version of an already-told joke, except for really, really badly…or really, really hilariously, depending on your tastes.)

[Farmer_Jane]

@KarenAkaDimples

The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game, she will describe an object and the students will tell her what she had described. Teacher: “The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem.” Timmy: " I know what it is, it’s an apple." Teacher: “That’s right, I like the way you’re thinking.” “OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it.” Christopher: “I know what it is, it’s an orange.” Teacher: “That’s right, I like the way you’re thinking.” Johnny: “Can I try, Teacher?” Teacher: “Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean!” Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a second, and says “My object is round, hard, and has a head on it.” Teacher: “Alright Johnny, go to the office!” Johnny: "No Teacher, it’s only a quarter!

Why is it always little Johnny that’s the bad one in jokes?

[Farmer_Jane]

A Jewish homosexual is in San Francisco for Yom Kippur, and hears that there
is a gay shul on Canal Street.

He walks on Canal until he sees a synagogue, and enters it. The men are on
one side and the woman are on the other.

Seeing a stranger, the shamas invites him up on the bima for an aliya.
Standing next to him is a good looking guy, so the gay Jew pinches his
toches.

Suddenly, there is silence in the synagogue, followed by murmuring.
The gay says, “What did I do? This is a gay synagogue! What did I do
wrong?”

The shammes screams that the gay shul is two blocks down the street,
and that the gay should get the hell out of this normal shul.

The gay walks down the street and sees a building with the sign “Gay Brethren
of Israel”. He enters in glee, and sees that again the men are sitting on
one side and the women on the other. Only this time, they are holding hands
and making out with each other.

The gay takes a seat, and the shammes seeing a new face, invites him for an
aliya. The gay is on the bima, and next to him is standing a very good
looking fellow. The gay can’t control himself, and pinches his toches.
Suddenly, the synagogue erupts into a mass of murmuring.

The gay says, “What did I do? What did I do? This is a gay synagogue,
what did I do wrong?”

One man gets up and says, “Yes, this is a gay synagogue! And we have very
few rules here. But one of them is that no one fools around with the
rebbetzin!!”

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always
Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregation
departed.The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered
these words at him: “You need to join the Army of God!”
Moishe replied: “I’m already in the Army of God, Rabbi.”
The rabbi questioned: “How come I don’t see you except for Rosh
Hashanah and Yom Kippur?”
Moishe whispered back: “I’m in the secret service.”

[Zeldar]

@voguevixen

Rebumping because suddenly…

(Version of an already-told joke, except for really, really badly…or really, really hilariously, depending on your tastes.)

Norm has a way of embellishing jokes to make them his own, but I passed along this version to my email crowd and it was a major hit.

One of the recipients reminded me of a now-passed-on friend who had a whole batch of jokes like that.

Have any of you heard of one called “Supposin’”?