Well, it’s an oldie, but someone somewhere may not have heard it.
The millennium KY Jelly? 2KY Jelly allows you to insert four digits into your date.
I forget if I first heard this at the board or somewhere else.
Two physicists are driving home from a conference. It happens to be Erwin Schrödinger and Werner Heisenberg. All of a sudden a police car turns on its siren behind them. Schrödinger pulls over. The policeman walks over to the window and asks him: “Do you know how fast you were going?” Schrödinger says “Of course officer, I know exactly how fast I was going!” Heisenberg moans “Great, now we’re lost”.
The policeman thinks that these two characters are acting somewhat suspiciously. “Do you mind if I take a look in your vehicle?” he asks. “Go right ahead” say the two scientists. The officer comes back to the dirver’s window: “Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?” “I do now!” says Schrödinger.
Who killed more Indians than Custer?
Union Carbide
Why did the little girl fall out of the swing?
Because she had no arms
What’s black and blue and hates sex?
The 5-year-old in my trunk
Did you hear about the earthquake in Haiti?
Thousands of homes were destroyed. Damages estimated at $48.
More Helen Keller
Q. How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
A. Trying to read the waffle iron.
Q. Why does Helen Keller wear yellow shoes?
A. Her dog is blind too.
Q. Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants?
A. So you can read her lips.
Q. How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
A. On a blind date.
1950’s Helen Keller:
Did you hear about the Helen Keller doll?
You wind it up and it runs into a wall.
addendum: because if y is your variable, e[sup]x[/sup] is a constant.
For some reason this reminded me of (quite an old one):
What’s the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties…
The Taliban asked, ‘Do you have water?’
The Jewish man replied, ‘I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.’
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
‘OK,’ said the old Jewish man, ‘it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.’
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
“Your F’n brother won’t let me in without a tie!”
Plenty to be found at: http://www.badpuns.com/
Shaggy dog stories at: http://www.badpuns.com/list.php?section=shaggy
What’s the difference between two dicks and a joke?
Your wife can’t take a joke.
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I can’t jelly my dick up your ass.
I heard a variation of this…
What’s green, fuzzy, has six legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table
Okay, two deaf mutes get married and are signing to each other the night of the honeymoon.
He signs, we need a plan for how to let each other know when we want sex or not.
She signs, okay, what do you suggest?
He signs, how about if I pull on your left nipple if I want sex and on your right nipple if I don’t.
She signs, ok left nipple, you want sex, right nipple you don’t. Got it. Now how do I let you know?
He signs, hmmm, well I have an idea. How about if you want sex, you pull on my penis one time
but if you don’t want sex, you pull on my penis 97 times.
What do a moped and a really unattractive woman have in common?
They’re both fun to ride, but if your friends find out, they’ll laugh at you.
I guy’s out hunting, when he comes upon a clearing. There’s a large rock in the middle of the clearing, with a beautiful naked woman sitting on it. The guy smiled at her, and she smiled at him. The guy says, ‘Are you game?’ The woman said, ‘Yes’. So he shot her.
Hey, at least I didn’t say he put a quarter in her slot and played her!
Amazing coinkidink, Johnny L.A.! I just got this in email:
=====================
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ‘Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’
She replied, ‘Probably deer hunting with his buddies.’
Two women go into a ladies’ room. They’re in stalls next to each other. Neither stall has toilet paper. One woman says to the other, “Do you have any toilet paper in yours?”
“No.”
“Do you have any tissues?”
“Sorry, no.”
“Have you two fives for a ten?”
(This is supposedly a true story. The punchline was delivered by Tallulah Bankhead.)
An Asian guy goes to a currency exchange place to exchange his native currency for dollars. A few weeks later he repeats his trip and happens to exchange his currency with the same clerk. He gets his money and then says to the clerk, ‘Wait! Before you gave me $1,200 American money. Now you only give me $900!’ The clerk shrugs and says, ‘Fluctuations.’
The Asian guy says, ‘FLUCK YOU, ROUND-EYE!’
Ouch. Here I am, minding my own business, wishing my bruised rib (or strained muscle…or something) would heal, and I run across this thread…
Thanks…
-D/a
*yeah…it hurts to laugh.
Winner! first joke to make me LOL in a while. Thanks,
What part of a vegetable should you never eat?
The wheelchair.