Someone stole my “Frayed Knot” joke, which is one of my favorites.
One someone told me in High School that took me like three days to “get.”
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
Q. How did Helen Keller break her hand?
A. She fell down a well and broke it screaming for help.
Q. How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her when she was bad?
A. They moved the furniture.
And a Stevie Wonder joke:
Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new piano?
Neither has he.
Q: How many nihilists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It doesn’t matter.
Oh here’s an obscure one. (Showing my age.)
How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: one to screw it in and one to stand around looking like he doesn’t care.
Guiseppi walks into work.
He says, “Ey, Tony! You know who’s-a George Washington?”
Tony says, “No, Guiseppi, who’s-a George Washington?”
He says, “Hah! George-a Washington’s the first-a President of-a United States. I’m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen!”
A couple of days later, Guiseppi walks into work and says, “Ey, Tony, you know who’s-a Abraham Lincoln?”
Tony says, “No, Guiseppi, who’s-a Abraham Lincoln?”
He says, “Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I’m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen!”
A guy in the back of the shop yells, “Yo, Guiseppi…you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?”
He says, “No. Who’s-a Fishlips Lorenzo?”
The guy yells, “That’s the guy who’s bangin’ your old lady while you’re in night school.”
Bob just lost his job as a professional pianist for a Broadway show and decided to drink his troubles away. Things were looking up when the first bar he walked into had a sign posted, “Pianist Wanted.” This was an upscale bar, but Bob had worked Broadway and even Carnegie Hall, so after finishing his first beer, he sought out the manager and asked for the job. The manager pointed to the piano and asked Bob to play.
When Bob played, the bar manager heard the most beautiful music he had ever heard. He asked Bob what he called that piece. Bob said, “That song is my favorite song. I call it, ‘I was jacking my dick when I shit on your chest.”
The manager, slightly nonplussed, asked Bob to play another tune. Bob again began to play beautiful piano music. The manager stopped him and said that song what just what he was looking for and asked the name. Bob said, “It’s called, ‘Fuck me in the cunt, while I felch your dog.”
The manager told Bob the job was his on one condition. Bob would be allowed to play, but could not state the names of any of his songs, ever in the bar. Bob agreed, and the next night the bar was crowded as Bob played. All the patrons loved Bob’s music as he played his first set. After he completed his set, Bob took a badly needed restroom break, and pleased by the reaction to his playing, hurried back to the piano. On the way back, a patron at the bar stopped him and said, “Hey, do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?”
Bob replied, “Know it, I wrote the motherfucker”
Bob replied, “No, but hum a few bars and I can fake it.”
A horse walks into a bar, the barman asks ‘Why the long face?’
A wig and a shit walk into a bar. The shit takes a seat and the wig goes to get a round in.
“Two beers please.”
“I’m sorry, sir, but I’m not serving either of you.” replies the barman.
“Oh go on, we’ll not cause any trouble.”
“Nope. Get out.”
“But why?”
“Because you’re off your head and your mate’s steaming.”
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Tree.
Pleased to meet you, I’m George III.
lol…good one
My older brother just emailed these to me three days ago - he found them on some British website:
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did… she’s 21 and her name’s Debbie.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops… although, they do make me look a bit gay.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said, “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same caliber.”
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn’t follow you home after you lay it.
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend…
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in other words… B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in.
Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick, but It’s great though.
It provides me with everything I need -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot…"
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said, “I am not understanding the question please.”
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!!
Quit this.
These two middle-aged women are having a chat and one of them says “Jeez, I haven’t had sex in eons, I’m going crazy.” The other one says “Oh just do what I do, go pick up a horny young bag boy at the grocery store.”
So next time the woman’s at the store the bagger asks if she needs help getting to her car and she says “Yes.” Just outside the doors the woman leans over to him and whispers “I have an itchy pussy.” The guy stops, looks around, then starts walking again. Thinking he hadn’t heard her, she spoke a little louder: “ahem I have an itchy pussy.” Again, the bagger continues walking. Finally, the woman is totally annoyed and goes, “Hey. Didn’t you hear me say ‘I have an itchy pussy’?” He turns to her and says: “Lady, you’re going to have to point it out. All those foreign cars look the same to me.”
Two old Southern Belles are sitting on the veranda. One says, ‘Do you remember the minuet?’ The other replies, ‘Hell, I don’t even remember the ones I slept with!’
What’s white and streaks across the sky?
The coming of the Lord.
(I’m actually a fan, so this pains me, lol. I’m doing it for the good of the board.)
3 guys walk into a bar…
The first guy says “I have got the smallest arm in the world.”
The second guy “I have the smallest head in the world.”
The third guy “I have got the smallest balls in the world.”
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records…
The first guy comes back and says “I really do have the smallest arm in the world.”
The second guy comes back and says “Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world.”
The third guy comes back angry “Who the HECK is JUSTIN BIEBER?”
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
How do you sell a duck to a deaf guy?
"DO YOU WANNA BUY A DUCK?"
***Knock, knock. *
Who’s there?
*Nobody. *
[spoiler] ** silence. *
Nobody who?
-
silence.
Nobody who?
Repeat ad infinitum. [/spoiler]
If all the virgins in the world were laid end to end, there wouldn’t be any more.
Q. How did Helen Keller go crazy?
A. Trying to read a stucco wall.
This one’s from my local paper. They were talking about upcoming changes to the Catholic liturgy, and the various emotions and drama ensuing.
“What’s the difference between a liturgist and a terrorist?”
“You can negotiate with a terrorist.”