What is black and white and comes in little cans?
Michael Jackson
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Passive aggressive.
Passive aggressive who?
It’s alright. I’ll just wait outside.
Best told out loud …
Q. What’s brown and comes steaming backwards out of cows?*
A. The Isle of Wight ferry.
*The name of the main port on the Isle of Wight is named Cowes.
An American, and Englishman, and a Frenchman are walking along the beach together. They stumble upon a magic lamp, out of which pops a genie. He decides to grant each of them one wish.
The American steps forward and says, “I am a farmer. My father was a farmer, his father was a farmer, and my son will be farmer after me. It is rewarding work, but the seasons of drought are the most miserable times I have ever experienced. I wish that my son will never know what it to farm in times of drought.” The genie nods, and it is done.
The Englishman steps forward and says, “All of my country’s history has been marked by some of the most brutal wars mankind has ever known. In times of peace, England is torn apart from the inside by waves of immigrants. I want the island to be enclosed in a 100-meter-high wall so that no one can get in or out ever again.” The genie nods, and it is done.
The Frenchman steps forward and asks, “So you’re telling me that right now, at this very instant, there is a wall around all of England that is completely impenetrable?” The genie says “Yes.” The Frenchman says “Fill it with water.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Dave.
Dave’s not here, man.
From Showtime’s Green Room season 2:
Jimmy Carr, what is the most offensive joke you’ve ever written?
snerk
I will deny that snerk, btw, should it come up in court.
I thought maybe I had killed the thread! “Snerk” saved the day. 
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A fluffy cloud.
A small, well-dressed man enters a grungy Belfast pub late one night. Everyone glowers at him, and a huge bruiser soon gets up, walks over to him and asks threateningly, “Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?”
“Why, neither,” the new guy says, sipping his beer. “I’m Jewish.”
The bruiser is a bit taken aback at first, but then he snarls, “Are you a Catholic Jew or a Protestant Jew?”
A tough guy applies for a job with the CIA.
His interviewer says, “Congratulations, you’ve passed the written portion of your examination with flying colors. Now, there are three doors on the other side of this room. Behind the first door is a table with a large bottle of bourbon. You have to drink all the bourbon at once to show that you can hold your liquor and still work effectively. Behind the second door is a tiger and a length of rope. You have to wrestle the tiger and tie it up to demonstrate your strength and persistence. Behind the third door is a beautiful woman on a bed. You have to make love to her and make her come at least twice, to prove that you can use sex as a means of gathering intelligence. Ready? Begin!”
The tough guy goes into the first room and knocks down the bourbon, all of it, glug glug glug. Then he goes into the second room, and the interviewer hears the tiger roaring and thrashing around.
The tough guy emerges after half an hour, covered in scars, and says [slur your words when you tell this joke], “OK, where’s the broad you want tied up?”
A businessman is flying First Class on a sparkling new huge four-engined jet.
The pilot comes on the PA system and says, “Sorry, folks, but we’re having a little engine problem here, so I’m doing to have to shut down one of the engines. We’ll be 15 minutes late, but don’t worry, we’ll arrive safely in Houston.”
A few minutes later, the pilot comes back on to say, “Ladies and gentlemen, a little red light on my control panel is telling me we’re having a problem with a second engine. So I’m going to shut it down, but don’t worry, we still have enough power to make it to our destination in style. We will, unfortunately, now be half an hour late.”
Time passes, and the pilot comes back on. “Well, folks, wouldn’t you know it, a third engine is conking out, so I’m shutting it down, and I’m sorry to tell you we’ll now be 45 minutes late.”
The businessman turns to his seatmate and says, “Just watch. He’ll lose another engine, and we’ll be a whole fucking hour late to Houston!”
It’s nighttime on the ocean, in dense fog. The captain of an aircraft carrier is told by his radar operator that there’s a contact dead ahead. The captain gets on the radio and says, “Unidentified contact, please veer to starboard. We will maintain our course and pass you.”
The reply comes back, “Negative, you veer to starboard, please.”
The captain says, “Uh, negative, we will not. Veer to starboard, please. We will not ask again.”
“Sorry, but you must change course.”
The captain tightens his grip on the mike and says, “This is the aircraft carrier USS Ronald Reagan, over 1,000 feet long, displacing more than 100,000 tons, with a ship’s crew of over 3,000 and an air wing of 2,400, carrying 90 warplanes and helicopters, not to mention the two cruisers and three destroyers in our battle group. I have the right of way and I demand that you change course immediately!”
The reply crackles back, “This is the Cape Thomas Lighthouse. Your call.”
Warning: A gay joke. Morbid.
[Spoiler]Three close gay friends live together. As they hear about the spread of AIDS and as they’ve been sexually active gay men they worry about their odds and frankly decided together to save up just-in-case fund for decent funeral arrangement god forbid any of them should die. Soon enough one is diagnosed and soon passed away and the surviving two realizing they were now short on rent having one less person to pitch in they were forced to keep the body in their freezer and use the fund to pay the rent and drink their sorrows away. When the second roommate also become sick and dies soon after and the remaining roommate now had a dilemma of having two bodies and not enough money for the rent let alone his own share of the fund. After thinking through he comes up with what he thinks a brilliant idea of stuffing them using the remaining fund and that way he can keep them around with him too. He thought his mates would surely approve.
So he, after some search, finds a sympathetic taxidermist willing to do the job and brings his two friends over.
The taxidermist asked:
So, how would you like them mounted? [/spoiler]
Oh, just holding hands. 
Q: What is taxidermy’s greatest triumph?
A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Impatient cow.
Impa-
MOO!
A North Dakotan decides to go ice fishing. He finds a good spot on the ice and starts to drill a hole. Suddenly a big booming voice rings out: “NORTH DAKOTAN! THERE ARE NO FISH DOWN THERE!!!”
The North Dakotan is surprised, but sets off to find another likely spot, and starts to drill another hole. Again, the big booming voice cries out: “NORTH DAKOTAN! THERE ARE NO FISH DOWN THERE!!!”
The North Dakotan is a little startled, but looks around for a better spot. Even before he starts to drill a hole, he hears the big booming voice: “NORTH DAKOTAN! THERE ARE NO FISH DOWN THERE!!!”
“OK”, the North Dakotan calls out. “But who are you, anyway? God?”
“NO” says the big, booming voice, “I’M THE ARENA MANAGER.”
========
Ya keep askin’, I keep postin’. Every year like clockwork.
Three men die in a car crash on Christmas Eve. When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, “Gentlemen, I can’t let you into Heaven unless you have a Christmas decoration in honor of Baby Jesus’ birthday.”
The first man pulls out a tree-shaped air freshener. “Here, I brought the tree.”
The second guy pulls out his car keys. “Here are ornaments for the tree.”
The third pulls a pair of lacy panties out of his pocket and says, “Here, these are Carol’s.”
Dolly Parton and the Queen of England both die on the same day. They arrive at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter says, “I’m sorry, ladies, there is only room in Heaven for one more person so you’ll each have to give me a good reason why I should let you in.”
Dolly opens up her blouse and says, “Check these out, sugah!”
St. Peter is very impressed and says, " Very impressive! Your Majesty, do you have a better reason for getting into Heaven?"
The Queen very primly replies, “One douched this morning.”
St. Peter nods and says, “Very well, Your Majesty, you may enter Heaven.”
Dolly is furious and says, “Why does she get into Heaven and I don’t?”
St. Peter says, “Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush beats a pair.”
The Pope is badly injured and has a near-death experience. He recovers, though, and meets with the College of Cardinals soon afterwards. They crowd around him, eager to find out what he learned about God. “Well,” he says, “first off, you should know that She’s black, and She’s pissed.”
President Obama is sitting at his desk in the Oval Office, thinking of his poll numbers and bemoaning his lot in life. He remembers that Dubya left three envelopes for him, saying, “When things look bad, I mean really bleak, open 'em up, buddy. One at a time, though.”
Obama pulls the envelopes out. They’re all sealed, and numbered one through three. He opens envelope #1. Inside is a small card in Dubya’s handwriting that says simply, “Blame me.” So he goes out, holds a press conference and blames his predecessor for all of the country’s problems. His poll numbers improve and things are better for awhile.
A few months later, though, things are bad again. Obama opens envelope #2, which has a card reading, “Blame the press.” So he goes out and gives a bunch of speeches about how his administration’s policies are really working well, but how hard it is to get through the unfair and biased Mainstream Media filter. His poll numbers edge up, and things are a little better for awhile.
Then the recession deepens and there’s a crisis in Pakistan. His poll numbers are in the crapper. Desperate, Obama opens envelope #3, and pulls out the card, which reads, “Prepare three envelopes.”
During the 1980 campaign, then-candidate Ronald Reagan said, “An economic downturn is when your neighbor loses his job. A recession is when you lose your job. And a recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.”
Nixon is walking the halls of the White House, wondering what will happen to him over Watergate. He talks to the portraits on the walls and asks for advice.
He hears the portrait of George Washington say, “Always tell the truth, be of bedrock integrity, and do what you think is right for your country.”
The portrait of Andrew Jackson says, “Don’t back away from a fight, and don’t let Congress try to push you around.”
The portrait of Abraham Lincoln says, “You look pretty worn out. You should relax - why not go to the theater?”
God appears in simultaneous dreams to the President of the United States, the Palestinian president, and the Israeli prime minister. He tells each of them that humanity has made such a mess of things, the world will end in two days.
The American president goes on national television and says, “My fellow Americans, it is my painful duty to announce to you that the world will end in two days. Let us all pray for the strength to meet our fate with courage and dignity.”
The Palestinian president also goes on the air, and says, “Though Allah has told me that the world will soon end, we can take pride in the fact that, to the very last, we struggled against our Israeli oppressors with every fiber of our being.”
The Israeli prime minister tells his countrymen, “I have good news! God has assured me that we will never again have to turn over any of our sacred territory to the Palestinians.”
A Japanese man is invited to an American Karaoke contest as a guest. At the Karaoke contest he was asked to sing a song by the host before the contest begun. So he proudly sang “Yesterday” by Beatles as he prides in how fluently he can sing it in his best English. After the song the host came back up to the the stage clapping enthusiastically and said:
“You sing fantastic! It’s uncanny how your language sounds so similar to ours!”
A woman is working the desk at a sperm bank and a man in a ski mask and with a shotgun barge in. Everyone starts to panic and he points the gun right at the woman behind the desk.
“What are you doing sir?” she says, voice trembling “This is a sperm bank we don’t have a money here!”
“I know that!” The man shouts “Take one of the vials and drink it!”
“WHAT?!?”
“You heard me…drink a vial!” The woman drinks one of the vials.
“Do it again!” So the woman grabs another vial and drinks it.
“Why are you doing this?” She finally asks. The man rips off the ski mask to reveal that its her husband. “See?!? It’s not that hard is it?”
Two men swore off women forever. They decided to move to Alaska, as far north as they could go.
They entered a trading post and told the proprietor, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for a year.”
The trader stacked everything in two huge piles, but on top of each pile was a board with a hole in it, surrounded by fur. “Why the boards?” the men asked.
The trader said, “Well there are no women around here and a board like this might come in handy.”
They both exclaimed, “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!”
The trader said, “Well, take them anyway. You can always just use them for firewood.”
The men took the supplies and the boards and left.
A year later, one of the men returned to the trading post.
“Give me enough supplies to last one man for a year,” the man requested.
“Hey, weren’t you in here a year ago with a partner?” asked the trader.
“Yup,” the man replied.
“Where is he now?” he continued.
“I shot him,” the man replied nonchalantly.
“Why?!” the trader asked.
“I caught the bastard using my board!”
A woman was cheating on her husband with the neighbor next door. They were in the middle of sex when the woman hears the garage door open. “My husband is home early from work! quick follow me!” So the woman and the man head downstairs. The woman covers the man with baby oil and covers him in powdered sugar “Just stand still”. The husband comes in and sees the man and asks what he is “He’s a statue I just bought, the neighbors next door have one that I really liked so I bought one for us.” The man just rolls his eyes says “whatever” and heads upstairs.
The rest of the night passes and the neighbor is still standing there even when the lights go out for bed, when all of a sudden the husband comes downstairs, goes to the kitchen, makes a sandwich and grabs a beer, then walks to the man and puts it right in front of him. “Here, this is for you…I had to stand at the neighbors all night and nobody brought me shit”.
A man was walking the beach when he became hungry, finding a little bar off shore he went in.
“How much is a beer?” the man asked the bartender.
“Just a penny” the bartender said
“One penny? Awesome I’ll take one!” So the man had a couple beers. He then asked the bartender “how much for a steak dinner?”
“Just a dollar” the bartender said
“Oh wow I’ll take it!!” said the man. After finishing his steak and his beer the man finally asked
“you know, I have to know…how do you stay in business with everything so cheap?”
“Oh I’m not the owner of this bar” the guy behind the bar said "The owner of the bar is upstairs with my wife
“What’s he doing with your wife?”
“The same thing I’m doing to his bar”