A woman comes home and finds her husband, an English Professor, having sex with another woman.
“Well!” she says, “I am surprised!”
"The husband rolls his eyes and replies “No, no no! How many times do I have to tell you, I am surprised - you are amazed.”
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
Yew cahn’t wash yer fice in a buffalo!
The current financial chaos in the Greece has meant their production of houmous and taramasalata has ground to a halt.
Experts warn this could be the start of a double dip recession.
A man walks into a bar, slaps his hand down and says, “I’ve got terrible news. Gimme ten shots. Line 'em up, right here.”
The bartender pours ten shots, and the guy pounds them down, one after another. “So what’s the bad news?” the bartender asks as the man slams the last glass down.
“I’m flat broke,” says the man.
An elderly couple has always had a vigorous sex life. Then the man gets the news from his doctor: he has a serious heart condition and can never have sex again. The man and his wife talk it over and agree to sleep in separate bedrooms to avoid temptation: she will remain upstairs in their longtime bedroom, while he’ll sleep on a cot set up in the living room.
The first night away from his wife in decades, the man tosses and turns. The second night is no better. Finally, on the third night, he throws aside his blankets and creeps up the stairs. He’s surprised to bump into his wife halfway up.
“Honey,” he whispers, “I have to admit, I just can’t stay away from you. I was coming upstairs to commit suicide.”
She smiles. “That’s good, sweetie, because I was just coming downstairs to kill you.”
A sheltered, callow young Catholic priest is puzzled in the confessional when a man admits his many sins, including “Getting a blowjob downtown for $20.” The priest goes to his abbot and asks, “Father, what’s a blowjob?”
The abbot looks at him eagerly. “$20, same as downtown!”
The scene: an Army base. The captain calls the tough-as-nails sergeant into his office. “Sgt. Jones, I believe Pvt. Hoskins is in your squad. I just got the word that his mother died last night. He doesn’t know it yet, so I want you to break the news to him. But do it with a little sensitivity, OK?”
The sergeant snaps off a sharp salute. “Leave it to me, sir.”
He goes to the barracks and bawls at the men to fall in. When they’re all lined up he says, “All right, maggots. Everybody whose mother is still alive take one step forward… not so fast there, Hoskins…!”
Stolen from BrainGlutton in a previous joke thread:
A guy dies and wakes up in Hell. He sees the Devil standing over him with a big grin. Guy says, “I wonder if there might be some mistake. I wasn’t so bad . . .”
The Devil puts his arm around him, shoves a cold beer in his hand, and says, “Aw, don’t you worry, son! We get a bad rap upstairs, but take from me, Hell is a party! F’rinstance . . . Do you drink?”
“Well, I’ve been known to bend my elbow occasionally . . .”
“All right, today’s Sunday! On Sundays we drink! Everything, man! Beer, whisky, vodka, tequila, fine wine, brandy . . . You’re gonna love it! You’re just gonna love Sunday! Let’s see . . . Do you like to do drugs?”
“Well, I might have snorted a line here and there . . .”
“OK, tomorrow’s Monday! On Monday everybody in Hell does drugs! Everything, man! Pot, coke, smack, LSD, esctacy, ‘shrooms, meth . . . We’ve got Timothy Leary workin’ on new recipes! If Jerry Garcia likes it, we all do it! You’re gonna love it! You’re gonna love Monday! Let’s see . . . Are ya gay?”
“Oh, no! I never swung that way!”
The Devil winces a little. “Oooo… you’re not gonna like Tuesdays.”
Did you hear about the North Dakotan who locked his keys in his car?
It took him 4 hours to get his wife and kids out!
When did “North Dakotans” become the new “Polish” ?
(Sorry, I haven’t been keeping track.)
Did you hear about the psychiatrist who was also a proctologist?
He dealt with odds and ends.
Did you hear about the sick objectivist?
He talked to Howard Roark on the big white phone.
My aunt always says “a person of a certain ethnic origin,” which lets you mentally fill in the blank as you see fit.
Did you hear about the sick Zapotec Indian?
He sang “Oaxaca”.
…So this elderly woman is visiting her doctor and he asks “Is there anything troubling you?” She says “My husband and I have been married 60 years and have had sex every night since our honeymoon except for last night.” He proffers many reasons why that might be the case.
A few weeks later, she’s back in the office for an unrelated reason. The Dr. questions her about the sex life thing and she replies “You were right, he was rarin’ to go first thing in the morning, like usual.”
Montanans tell North Dakotan jokes, just as Canadians might tell Newfie jokes. Doesn’t seem to be so many North Dakotans on this board (or maybe they are not offended by North Dakotan jokes – or more likely, don’t understand them 
) so it seems like an innocuous group to pick on.
Obligatory joke:
A couple was having a house built and as it became completed, the contractor invited them to the house to determine what color to paint the interior.
They got to the living room and the couple decided they would like a nice beige on the walls. The contractor leaned out the window and yelled “Green side up!”.
In the kitchen, the couple decided the walls should be yellow. The contractor stuck his head out the window and yelled “Green side up!”
The couple toured the bedroom and told the contractor to paint the bedroom blue. The contractor leaned out the window and yelled “Green side up!”.
Finally the couple said “Why do you yell ‘Green side up’ no matter what color we pick?”
And the contractor said, “Oh, no, that’s nothing to do with paint. I hired some North Dakotans to put sod in the yard and I have to keep reminding them to put the green side up!”
Why did Jesus cross the road?
Because he was nailed to a chicken
Two cows walk into a bar,one cows says"What is this,some kinda yoke?"
An egg walks into a bar,the bartender says “What is this,some kind of yolk?”
My girlfriend told me to give her eight inches and make it hurt,so I fucked her twice and punched her in the mouth.
Why do brides wear white?
So the dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator.
This next one I got from here in an earlier thread.
I stole some imatation chocolate. I am a pirate of the Carob Bean.
I thought you were going here:
A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of whiskey. Bartender lines them up and the guy gulps them down one by one. Bartender asks, “What’s the occasion?”
“My first blowjob”, says the guy
“well in that case, here’s another one on the house!”
“Thanks”, says the guy as he drinks the last one. “But if 6 shots don’t take care of the taste, I don’t think another will make a difference!”
So..um…I don’t get this one…
Thankfully, I’m not alone in this.
No, that makes three of us…
That’s because I didn’t tell it right. I left out the part about how the Dr. was so shocked they were still having sex every night at their age, and then it turns out they were having twice as much as he thought.
How do you tell if your new prison cellmate is gay?
Check to see if he gets a hard-on when you’re fucking him.