So can you repost the joke with everything intact?
Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, ‘Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!’ From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash. Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, ‘Dat’s da terd one dis mornin’.’ ‘Yaa,’ Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, ‘Bridge out?"’
“What do we want?”
"A cure for Tourettes!"
“When do we want it?”
"CUNT!"A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office. The doctor says “Can I help you?”
“Yeah,” says the moth, "My life is terrible. My wife and i don’t talk anymore, after twenty-two years of marriage, it’s nothing but frosty silence. And my daughter-just turned 19, graduated valedictorian of her high school class, announced yesterday that she’s pregnant with the local drug pusher’s child and she’s moving into the projects to raise the baby and never wants to see us again.
"And my son, he just glares at his mother and me with that mixture of sullen rage and apathy that only a 15 year old male can produce.
“I lost my job, my mother has cancer and my father crashed his car on the way to the hospital and is in a coma and they want to harvest his organs because he’s brain dead.”
“My God,” said the podiatrist, “that’s terrible! but, I’m a foot doctor! It sounds like you need a psychiatrist, not me. Why did you even come in here?”
“Your light was on,” said the moth.
A woman goes to a butcher. ‘How much is your veal?’ she says. The butcher tells her, ‘$9.99 per pound.’
‘What!’ cries the woman, ‘The butcher down the block only charges $6.99 a pound!’
‘So?’ says the butcher, ‘Why don’t you go down the block and buy your veal there?’
‘He’s sold out,’ replies the woman.
‘Big deal! When I’m sold out, I sell my veal for FIVE-ninety-nine a pound!’
Haha, I used to hear exactly the same type of haggle all the time (not veal) when I used to work in commerce.
Q. What do you call a female swine?
A. A sow.
Q. What do you call a male deer?
A. A buck.
Q. What do you call 50 female swine and 50 male deer?
A. A hundred sows and bucks.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
I heard a variation of this:
God appears in simultaneous dreams to the President of the United States, the Russian president, and Bill Gates. He tells each of them that humanity has made such a mess of things, the world will end in two days.
The American president goes on national television and says, “My fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is that the world will end in two days.”
The Russian president also goes on the air, and says, “I have some bad news and some even worse news. The bad news is that there is a God after all. The worse news is that He’s going to destroy the Earth in two days.”
Bill Gates calls a meeting of all of his Microsoft employees and says “I’ve got good news and I’ve got better news. The good news is that God thinks I’m one of the 3 most important men on Earth. The better news is that we don’t have to fix Windows 7.”
A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says “Got any grapes?” The bartender says “No” so the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender, and says “Got any grapes?” The bartender says “No” so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says “Got any grapes?” The bartender says “Look duck. We don’t have any grapes today, we didn’t have any yesterday, and we definitely won’t have any tomorrow. If you come back in here and ask for grapes again, I’m going to nail your webbed feet to the floor.”
So the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks “Got any nails?” The bartender says “No.” Then the duck says “Oh good. Got any grapes?”
“My grandfather once asked me, ‘How old are you, Steven?’ I said, ‘Four.’ He said [scoffing], ‘When I was your age, I was seven!’” - Steven Wright
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1.49 a package; deer nuts are under a buck.
A photon checked into a hotel.
“Do you have any luggage?” asked the desk clerk.
“No,” replied the photon, “I’m traveling light.”
To someone having a " not with it" day:
“When you went to school, did you ride a small bus or a large one?”
To a driver who’s in deep thoughts at a green light:
“May I ask what particular shade of green are you waiting for?” (Peter O’Toole and Richard Harris’s drunken days joke)
This cracks me up every time. Best joke ever.
Just north of the Canada-US border, a black kid is giving his younger brother a ride on the back of his bicycle. They see a bunch of trucks parked at a truck stop, and get the idea that they could hide in one and go across the border into the US.
So they wait until no one is around, and then find one where the trailer is unlocked. It’s a shipment of bowling balls, and they load up their bike and get comfortable.
A short while later, the trucker comes out of the diner, starts up his truck and makes his way to the border crossing. The border guard is this big, fat, Texan, wearing a 10 gallon cowboy hat.
“You mind if I have a look in the back of yer truck?”
“By all means, go ahead.”
The Texan makes his way around to the back, opens the trailer, takes one look in the back and comes running back up to the cab, bellowing:
“TURN THIS RIG AROUND!”
“Why, what’s the problem?”
“This truck’s full of nigger eggs! Two of 'ems hatched, and one’s already stolen a bicycle!”
Really? In 2011?
Two molecules walk into a bar. One stops, and pats his pockets–“Oh sh*t! I think I forgot an electron.” The other asks, “Are you positive?”
What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhinocerous? 'elleph-ino.
Tripler
. . . I just got back from a rocket science seminar. Sorry.
Why was the cannibal expelled from school?
He was caught buttering up the teacher.
Two old ladies are talking and one says,“When I’m down in the dumps, I just get myself a new hat and it cheers me right up.” “So that’s where you find them!” exclaimed the other lady.
There once was a King of Assyria who was a real animal nut. He thought they were so great that he decreed the entire country would become vegetarian and no one was allowed to kill any animals for any reason. Pretty quickly the country was overrun with wild animals and the people were starving. So they revolted and executed their king. It was the first and only time in history that a Reign was called on account of Game.
Did you know that chickens were vital to the American Revolutionary war effort? You don’t? Surely you’ve heard of Chicken Cacciatore? (Chicken Catch-A-Tory.)
Teacher: Can anyone tell me what HNO[sub]3[/sub] is?
Student: Oh, uh, hmm, it’s on the tip of my tongue…
Teacher: WHAT? Spit it out, immediately, that’s nitric acid!
Two scientists are congratulating each other for finally creating a solvent that will eat through anything. Their joy was marred, however, when they realized there was nothing they could keep it in.
Why are elephants so wrinkly?
Well, have you ever tried ironing one?
Teacher: Would you three boys in the back stop passing notes?
Student: Oh, we’re not passing notes; we’re playing gin.
A man was driving down the highway when he was pulled over by a officer. The officer noticed some dangerous looking knives in the back seat and inquired about them. “Oh, I’m a juggle, sir and they’re part of my act.” said the man. The officer was unconvinced and bade the man demonstrate his skill. A couple passed them a little later as the man was juggling the knives. “Good heavens, Melinda,” exclaimed the driver of the second car. “I’m glad I stopped drinking; look at the sobriety test they make you do now.”
A police officer noticed a car swerving around the round so he turned on his lights and sirens but the car didn’t pull over. He followed the car for several blocks and finally managed to get along side the car. Inside was a little old lady knitting and driving. The officer yells through his window, “Pull over! PULL OVER!” “No, it’s a cardigan,” replies the little old lady.
Q. What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A. Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
Q. What’s red and smells like blue paint?
A. Red paint.
A man is alone in an elevator when it comes to a stop and a beautiful woman gets on. She pushes the button for her floor. As the doors close and the elevator moves, she looks at the man and says, “Gee, mister, can I smell your balls?”
The man, slightly startled, replies, “No. Of course not.”
The woman then says, “Oh, then it must be your feet.”
An inebriated guest at a party walks up to his host and asks, “Do you have green toilet paper that says, ‘Fuck you’?”
His host replies, “No, we don’t.”
The guest then says, “Oops! I think I wiped my ass with your parrot.”
An astronomer concluded a lecture and then asked the audience if they had any questions.
An obviously nervous and elderly woman stepped up to the microphone and asked “When did you say the Universe will come to an end?”
The astronomer replied “sixty billion years”.
Much relieved the woman then replied “Thank God! I thought you said fifty billion.”