Q: What do you know about three elephants walking down the street in pink sweatshirts?
A: They’re all on the same team.
Some of my favorite Russian humor:
“Look at my new tie,” says a nouveau riche Russian plutocrat to his colleague. “I bought it for $500 in the store over there.”
“You got yourself conned,” says the other. “You could have paid twice as much for the same one just across the street!”
A man on a Moscow bus tells a joke to his seatmate: “Do you know why policemen always go in pairs?”
“No, why?”
“It’s specialization: one knows how to read, and the other knows how to write.”
A gloved hand promptly grabs him by the shoulder — a policeman is standing right behind him! “Your papers!” the cop barks.
The hapless joke-teller surrenders his papers. The policeman opens them, reads, and nods to his partner: “Write him up a citation for slandering the Soviet Militsiya, Vasya.”
A Russian boy asks his grandfather, “Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?”
“Yes, there was,” answered Grandpa, and patted the lad’s head.
“Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?”
“Yes, absolutely,” answered Grandpa, patting the boy’s second head.
A Soviet newspaper boasted, “Last night the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Station fulfilled the Five Year Plan of heat energy generation in four microseconds!”
What’s yellow and sticky, and can shoot a Winchester really fast?
Mucus McCain.
What’s yellow and sticky, and ice skates?
Peggy Phlegm.
How do the fill swimming pools in Munich?
Mark Spitz
Two Irishmen are stranded in a lifeboat. A lamp floats by, and one of the men grabs it and rubs it. A genie pops out, and says, “For freeing me, I will grant you one wish.”
Without stopping to think, the Irishman says, I wish the ocean was filled with Guiness instead of water." And with a poof, the genie vanished, leaving the lifeboat floating on Guiness for as far as the eye could see.
The second Irishman looked at the first and said, “Paddy! You daft mick! Now we got nowhere ta piss but in the boat!”
An Amish boy and his father visiting a mall were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that moved apart and then slid back together again. The boy asked, “What is that father?” The father, never having seen an elevator responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.” While the boy and his father were watching in consternation, an obese and elderly lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your mother.”
Two nuns are riding their bicycles in Rome, seeing the sights. It’s late and they decide to take a shortcut back to the Vatican. Night is falling, and the younger nun gets a little worried. She says to the older nun, “Sister, I’ve never come this way before.”
“I know,” says the older nun with a sly smile. “It’s the cobblestones.”
A magician gets a job on a cruise ship. The ship takes weekly cruises, and the magician does a show every day, so he’s prepared with seven days’ worth of material. The captain’s parrot loves magic acts, however, and attends every show. After the first week, the parrot starts shouting out the secrets to the tricks: “Rawk! He didn’t really saw the lady in half - she’s bending over!” “Rawk! Watch his left hand as he shakes his wand!” “Rawk! The four of spades is tucked into his sleeve!”
The magican is furious, but can’t really do anything about it, as it’s the captain’s parrot.
One night, a huge storm sinks the ship. At dawn, the storm has passed, and the magician finds himself shivering in the water, the sole human survivor, clutching a floating board. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the board. They glare at each other for a day, then two.
Finally the parrot says, “Rawk! I give up. What did you do with the boat?”
It’s the bad (worse?) old days of Chicago Machine politics. Two party hacks are walking through a graveyard late on Election Day, writing down names from tombstones. It begins to get dark, and Fred pulls his coat closer and says to Joe, “All right, c’mon, I think we’ve got enough names now. Let’s get out of here.”
Joe points to the part of the cemetery they haven’t gone through yet and says indignantly, “Hey, THESE guys have just as much right to vote as those guys over there!”
Herschel and Moishe walk by a Christian church that has a big sign out front: Convert to Christianity - win $1000!
Herschel says to Moishe, “What do you think?” Moishe says, “Eh, a thousand bucks is a thousand bucks.” He goes into the church and Herschel waits on the sidewalk. Moishe comes out ten minutes later and Herschel asks, “So, how’d it go? Did they give you the money?”
Moishe glares at him. “It’s always about the money with you Jews, isn’t it?”
A man is hit by a car and is dying on a street corner. He tells those who come to his aid that he’s Catholic and desperately wants a priest to give him the Last Rites. None the people there knows a priest, and there’s clearly no time to call for one, as the man is fading fast. Thinking it’s better than nothing, a Jewish guy who grew up near a Catholic church kindly offers to help with a few words of a sacrament he often overheard through the windows of the church.
He kneels down next to the dying man and says, “A… 3. G… 7. H… 4…”
Eli and Abram are walking through a park. Eli says, “Oh, I just heard a great joke I have to tell you. So, Herschel and Moishe are…”
“Wait a minute,” says Abram. “I’m tired of all of these Jewish jokes. Why can’t you tell me a joke about another religion sometime?”
“I’m very sorry,” says Eli. “I didn’t know you felt that way. OK. So, Muhammad and Khalid are eating gefilte fish and discussing their nephew’s upcoming bar mitzvah…”
Atoms, not molecules. And it should be “I think I lost an electron.”
Now I’m thinking of all the stupidest jokes I’ve ever heard.
Q: What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?
A: Bubble gum
Q: What’s long and hard and filled with seamen?
A: A submarine.
A cucumber, a pickle and a penis had a conversation:
The cucumber says, “WhenI get big and hard, I get chopped up and thrown into a salad!”.
“That’s nothing!”, says the pickle. When I get big and hard, I get drowned in vinegar!".
The penis says “you guys have no idea. When I get big and hard, I get a bag put over my head, thrust into the dark, and my head is pounded repeatedly against the wall, until I throw up and pass out!”.
Two men were out hunting deer. While sitting in the deer blind, one hunter puts his rifle on his lap and it goes off accidentally. He shoots the other hunter almost point blank in the chest.
Panicing, he grabs his cell phone and calls 911.
“This is 911. What is your emergency?”
“I think I just killed my friend while hunting deer.”
“Okay, sir. Please calm down. I can help.”
“What do I do?”
“Sir, first thing: Make sure he’s dead.”
"Okay, hold on…
BLAM!
“Yup. He’s dead. Now what?”
Did you hear about the proctologist who pulled his thermometer out of his pocket? He said, “damn some asshole has my pen.”
A priest and a little boy are walking home. They have to go through the woods, and it is very late and very dark.
The little boy says “I’m afraid.”
The priest replies “*You’re *afraid? *I’m *the one who has to walk out of here alone.”
…
Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender says “Would you like a drink?”
Descartes says “I think not.” … and POOF! Disappears into a puff of smoke.
Russian jokes…
The Communist Party conducted a survey of persons in the second city of the nation. One man filled his form in as follows.
Q. Where were you born?
A. St Petersburg.
Q. Where did you go to school?
A. Petrograd.
Q. Where did you achieve your majority?
A. Leningrad.
Q. Where would you like to spend your old age?
A. St. Petersburg.
= = = = =
An English company received an order from a Soviet firm for 100,000 condoms, but the dimensions were odd.
Diameter : 20 cm.
Length : 1½m.
They wondered what to do, and some executive had the bright idea of consulting Winston Churchill, still sitting as a Member of Parliament at that time in his life.
Churchill’s advice. “Make them. Make them, and stamp them ‘Made in England. Medium size.’”
Q. What goes ha, ha, ha, thump?
A. A man laughing his head off.
Q. What goes plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, splosh?
A. An octopus wearing one tennis shoe.
Q. What did the 0 say to the 8?
A. Hey, nice belt!
Q. What can go up a chimney down, but not down a chimney up?
A. An umbrella.
Q. How do you get down from an elephant?
A. You don’t. You get down from a goose.
Blonde and brunette walking down the street, they spot the brunette’s husband in a flower shop buying a bouquet. The brunette groans with dismay, and the blonde asks her, “What’s the problem? Don’t you like flowers?” The brunette responds, “I guess. But I just don’t want to spend all weekend with my legs up in the air.”
Blonde responds, “Don’t you have a vase?”
Cute. But the letters need to be from the word “BINGO.” E.g. “G… 47. N… 39. B… 2…”
Two nuns are driving at night through Transylvania, when a bat-winged devil lands on their windshield.
“Quick, sister, blow the horn!” shouts the passenger nun. The driver blows the horn, but the devil stays on the windshield.
“Quick, sister, use the windshield wipers!” shouts the passenger nun. The driver uses the windshield wipers, but the devil still doesn’t move.
“Quick, sister, show him your cross!” shouts the passenger nun. The driver leans out the window and says,
“Get the fuck off my car, asshole!”
This one is the hardest joke to get that I tell.
A rancher is getting old, so he decides to pass his ranch on to the next generation. Three brothers take it over from their dad, and they lay a new fence, repaint the cattleshed, and buy a herd of new prize cattle. After all that, they decide that the ranch ought to get a new name, so they check with dad.
He thinks about it for a bit, and then says, “You should call it Focus.”
“Focus?” the brothers say. “What kind of name for a ranch is that?”
“Well,” dad says, “It’s where the sons raise meat.”
[Dr. Zachary Smith]
Oh, the pain.
[/DZS]
How many University of (whatever school is your alma mater’s archrival; I use Florida) freshmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None; that’s a sophmore course at Florida.
A Ohio State quarterback, left tackle, linebacker and punter are in a car; who’s driving?
The police officer.
Why do Florida fans wear orange?
Versatility - you can wear it to cheer the Gators on Saturday, go deer-hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash along the highway the rest of the week.
And lastly, one that took me months to get when I was ten: Didja hear about Pierre, the dehydrated Frenchman?
These jokes go to 11.
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
“What’s that?” he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, “Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs. “Here,” she said, pointing, “You must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane screamed and rolled around in agony for several minutes. Eventually, she managed to gasp, “What the HELL did you do that for?”
“Tarzan always check for bees.”