As for #1-I’d say let him sleep. Getting up at 3AM six days a week deserves a morning to sleep in. Perhaps he can help you AFTER he gets up? My husband and I work at the same place, so we have the same hours-Mon-Fri. On weekends he gets up with our daughter on Sat. morning and I get up with her on Sun. He also helps with her feeding, bathing and putting her to bed. But-we both work. If I was a SAHM, I’d still expect his participation in helping raise her, but I’d be much more understanding to his time at home.
#2-Thankfully I don’t have a problem with the in-laws, but you better believe I’d expect him to speak up and support me.
#3-Well, without knowing HOW you are telling him you don’t like it, I can’t comment, but it sounds like you two need to do some major communicating here, well, everywhere really…
Female, married almost 25 years [yikes!], three teenagers and mr kiffa is retired so I’m the wage earner.
This thread is really interesting because it contains some great words of wisdom about marriage and long lasting/short duration relations b/w two adults: a nurturing relations is about:
communication,
negotiation,
positive thinking: avoid DON’T DO THAT, FUCKER and try What do you think about doing it this way…
stand by your mate: even common sense should tell you that protecting the bond between mates is your primary responsibility
Sounds like there is need to learn some new skills on how to talk, get your points across and respectful behavior on both of your parts.
If the relationship is worth keeping, it is worth working on how you relate to each other.
I am 41 and I married my wife 15 years ago, we were shacked up 2 years before that. On June 5, 1995 I was in an automobile accident (9 years yesterday). I had a tramatic brain injury. I was in the hospital for 6 and a half weeks. My wife slept on a cot beside my bed for six and a half weeks. When I was prepared to be discharged, my wife was advised to put me in a nursing home. She was not properly trained or able to take care of me. Also, I outweighed her by 150 pounds and sometimes brain injury survivors get violent. She refused and brought me home and became my nurse and therapist. Over the next 2 years I was literally unable to function as an individual, most of the time we were not seperate. She taught me how to walk and take care of myself. Eventually she taught me how to read and do math again and how to begin to function in the world again. She always knew the right thing to do, when to push me, when to back off. When I needed help and when I needed to do something on my own. I have returned to school now and I am studying to be a civil engineer. It is doubtful that I would exist today were it not for my wife. I owe everything that I am or ever will be to her. She is in the hospital right now. She had about of pleurisy and it gave her pancreatitis. She sent me home last night to get ready for calculus this week. I wish that I knew what I did to deserve her.
Married, three children, female
This is my second marriage. My two eldest children are from that previous marriage.
My husband, Stonebow, has already posted in this thread, but I had a couple of things to add.
Re-read this quote:
If your ideas and ideals of marriage disagree, there’s really no use in being married. There are ways to work out disagreement and POV on individual issues, but if your whole outlook on what a relationship means, is, and has to be differs greatly, I’d have to wonder why in the world you ever married in the first place.
I don’t know that even counseling will fix such a disparity.
Temporary insanity was my only excuse for my first marriage (which bears striking resemblance to your current one), and I took steps to fix that. My children deserve to see what a productive, happy, loving, and mutually respectful marriage is like.
Plus if a husband valued the company and goodwill of what you describe as a casual female acquaintance (info from your other thread) more than he valued you or your feelings, it would be time to move on, IMO. If such a female insulted me and our children in front of the children and my husband saw nothing wrong with that, I would suspect he didn’t care too much for me or the children. In fact, I would suspect such a man of having relations (or trying to initiate relations) with the woman if the interactions were as you described.
Now, as to your points:
I would let my husband sleep, until around 8-9 am. Then I’d expect him to spend time with his family.
I would not tolerate this kind of behavior. Dangerdad’s response was a good one:
His behavior is telling you, his sisters, and anyone else who witnesses it that he agrees with whoever badmouths you and thinks more of them than he does you.
I would immediately* pack my bags and leave a man who hurt me physically (in bed, or in any way) and then told me I was expected to endure it without complaint because he knew what was best. Of course this doesn’t include the eventual inane arguments of “Well what if your husband was a Physical Therapist and you’d broken both your legs?” Duh. After my last c-section my husband yammered at me to get up and walk. It hurt. It was for my own good. That’s not what we are talking about here.
Upon rereading the thread, the OP stated “uncomfortable” not “hurt”. That changes my advice. I was projecting(from my first marriage), sorry.
Sex between to individuals who love each other is not supposed to be uncomfortable, though.
Why? Why do they have any obligation to her whatsoever? Why can’t she tell them herself? There is some positively archaic thinking here about the he-man protecting the frail flower.
Someone says you’re a bad mother - whoop-de-do! ARE you a bad mother? If not, then who cares what they think. Don’t bellyache about something that’s not important. (Maybe he agrees with what they say; if so, why should he lie?)
This has nothing to do with men protecting women - I would give the same exact advice if it were reversed. And while one person’s opinion of you doesn’t matter, being belittled by someone else, and having the person who has sworn to love/honor/cherish you sit by and say nothing shows an alarming lack of respect. It also says to the sisters that it’s ok with him if they treat her that way. And if anyone thinks kids don’t pick up on that kind of thing, they’re sorely mistaken. In the best case scenario, they’re going to think this is a perfectly normal way for a relationship to function, and stand a good chance of finding future relationships where either they have no respect for their mate, or their mate has none for them.
And as what already said above, if he actually agrees with him, then nothing anyone says in this thread is going to help their marriage.
I think I need more info here. Does he typically get 8 hours sleep most nights. What does he do the night before he sleeps in. For my part, I’ve had the chance to sleep in once in the last ten months. It’s possible that you deserve to sleep in as much as he does, but since taking care of the house and kids is your territory, you don’t get a choice. So, does he “need” a chance to sleep in? Do you?
You don’t need that, but you can’t change their behavior, and trying to change your husdand’s may not be an option either. You can explain to him how it affects you, and perhaps he’ll want to change. But if not, it is up to you to find ways to be true to yourself through out it. Good luck. This one can be tough.
What is sex about for him? Is it about mutual expression of love? lust? control? Figure out that, and then follow the natural progression.
I’ve been pondering this thread since it started, and something just doesn’t sit right with me.
I’m beginning to think your husband is, at best, selfish, immature, weak, and self-centered. At worst, sadistic and cruel.
What kind of man doesn’t stop doing something when you say “ouch!” ??
And how come you haven’t come back to the thread you started- did it start a big fight between you two? What’s going on over there?
Why do they have an obligation to be civil? BECAUSE THEIR BROTHER IS MARRIED TO HER. Simple as that. She is not some stranger off the street, she’s part of the family. They can think whatever they want in private, but bitching to her husband is beyond rude. And her husband is completely spineless for allowing it to continue–after all, it’s HIS family that is behaving this way.
Don’t bellyache about something that’s not important? Jeezus, if it’s not important that your own spouse stand up for you, then what is???
Damn dude :eek: It does sound like you got one of the good ones over there. Best wishes on her health and your educational pursuits.
/hijack
Re: the OP,
I’m wondering if his family was that snarky to you before you two got married, and if so, that didn’t factor one whit into your decision to marry him in the first place? It didn’t turn you off when he didn’t defend you while you were still dating?
Otherwise, let him sleep and he’s got the wrong attitude towards your sex life.
I know I’ve said my piece, and he OP has shown no signs of showing back up, but this has been nagging at me all day. Please excuse me if it comes across as self-righteous- I am fully aware of how lucky I am, though that luck is largely the result of a lot of hard work, planning, and the fact that my wife and I were separated for the 3 years of our engagement (1200 miles apart due to school), and had to talk out everything (and I mean everything) before we said our vows. That’s why we’re so damn inseparable now.
To the OP:
How/ why did you two get together? So far, it sounds like you two have little in common, he has no regard for your feelings, and is a less than considerate lover. How did you end up together? How long between when you met and your wedding? Had any of these problems existed prior to marriage, and if so, why’d you go through with it? Marriage is not something you should just fall into.
And please excuse me if it seems I am picking on him exclusively- it is possible you are as bad for him as he seems to be for you, but I only have your words to go on.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back here until now.
This is only me, my husband is watching TV now. I’ll try to answer some questions that you’ve asked.
He works very long hours. He’s a truck driver, it’s local and he’s home every night, but not until between 6 and 8 P.M. On Saturday they call it a half day, he gets home at about 3:00 P.M.
I really wouldn’t mind him sleeping late on Sundays if he did help me out and let me have some time to myself, but since it’s also his only day to do any repairs or maintance around the house, I don’t get much of a break. I suggested a compromise, that he sleep every other Sunday and wake up every other Sunday. He doesn’t like that suggestion, but he offers no others.
The kids are 11 and 9 years old. You would think that they would be a little easier to get along with, but they are not. They begin to bicker as soon as they wake up and ask 47 times in 15 minutes for food. My son will argue with just about anything and my daughter is developmentally delayed. I know the bickering is normal, but it’s tiring to listen to all the time. They wake up at about 5:00 A.M. no matter how late I let them stay up.
He and I looked at your replies. It led to a discussion, that turned into an arguement. He’s happy that everyone agrees that he should sleep late, he stills thinks he should stay neutral with his family and he doesn’t get that I know what feels better to me then he does during sex. Today, he asked me about something I did for him once or twice. I tried it in the past but didn’t like it. He claims that I did like it and I’m just trying to punish him by taking it away. I’m not. So, he mopes around the house.
We tried counceling in the past, but due to his hours it had to stop. For the same reason, I don’t think we’ll get back to it.
We got married when I was really young, I was 20 years old. We had our son about 10 months after that. We knew each other three years before marriage and lived together one and a half years before the marriage. There were signs of trouble before we got married and it’s not really an excuse, but I was young and I guess I thought it would get better.
The reason that we started this thread is that he insists that I am the only woman in the world who has these feelings. He’s uncomfortable talking to other women or couples about it. I really don’t worry about what other people do in their relationships, I worry about ours.
One thing to add with the new information: An 11 year old boy is old enough to make his own darned breakfast and help around the house. A nine year old developmentally delayed girl may also be able to help out.
Are you a stay at home mom? At any rate, I’m a divorced woman (many many years ago, got married too young), and like men a LOT, enough to have had live in relationships with a few more of them.
If he works six days a week, and has to get up at 3am to do so, and has one day a week off. IMHO, he DESERVES to sleep as late as he needs or wants to.
How old are your kids? And why does the washing machine need to be loaded, and everything done perfectly on a Sunday? IMHO, (and no, I don’t know your whole situation) those are demands you are putting on yourself, not ones that are necessary in order to take care of kids and a household.
If you need help, aren’t there some other compromises which could be made? For instance, maid service? Or, if you can’t afford that, what my mom and her sisters in law used to do, they would all take turns watching the kids so that one of them could have a day to herself. Are there relatives, best friends, neighbors etc, that you might be able to work some sort of deal like that with?
And if you’d like him to help on Sundays, why can’t the wash wait?? Why is it imperitive that the children be all in their places with bright shining faces??? Why not have an “upside down” day? You get up with the kids, let them stay in their jammies and have cereal for breakie? Let the dishes and kitchen stay until he has a chance to help you. Watch cartoons with the kids, and then have the whole “schmear” of breakfast; pancakes, eggs, bacon etc" for dinner and a DVD or VHS for the whole family?
Again, with the “things are all perfect and neat, and together when he wakes up” it sounds as if you are putting pressure on yourself to have things, MATERIAL things mind you, a certain way.
Give yourself a break here. Relax, let Sundays be your days, and the family’s day too.
Now if, on the other hand, it’s Hubby who demands that everything be Stepford Wife perfect, but neither wants you to have help, nor wants to help himself, then I’d have to agree with your stance that he needs to compromise in SOME way.
If not getting up and helping, then certainly in not expecting Sundays to be all picture perfect when he wakes up.
You know? I’ve never run across this in any of my boyfriend’s families. The closest I have ever come is a boyfriend’s sister who was rather icy to me. (But we’d gone to high school together, and hadn’t really been the best of friends).
I definitely think your husband should be your champion when it comes to what others say about you. IMHO, marriage should be a united front of “us against the world”. Doesn’t sound like he’s holding up his end on this one. I don’t blame you for getting your feelings hurt.
Have you tried sitting down and talking to them? In a calm adult manner? Something like “guys, I love your son/brother very much. We have children together, and I am doing my part to be his partner, and his champion in life. I’m not sure why you disapprove of me, but is there some way we can work it out”? Something along those lines. If they still refuse to act like human beings, well it’s their issue, and the best you can do is to avoid them as much as possible, and ignore them if you can’t.
But the hubby should DEFINITELY be standing up for you when they say nasty things. Like “this is my wife, the mother of my children, I LOVE her”. He doesn’t have to get into some big thing with them, just a quiet declaration of his loyalty for you.
There are definitely ways to tell guys “how to do it” and ways NOT to tell them. There are a bunch of good books out there that can help guide you as to the fragile ego of a male regarding his sexual performance. The Mayflower Madam, Barbara DeAngelis’ “What Men Want Women to Know”. (I think that’s the right title). Maybe even Dr. Ruth, (though I’ve never read anything she’s written, just heard her old radio show…she seemed to have some good info on that problem.
Just in case it got lost in all my blather, I’m a woman, 45, divorced, and with a few cohabitation relationships under my belt.
alright, I tried to stay reasonably neutral in my last post, but I am worried about you, dragongirl. It sounds like unless something big changes in your lives, you and your family have few happy days ahead. That sucks.
Yes, it sounds like your husband works very hard. But let’s not lose sight of the fact that you do too. Your needs are not getting met, and your husband is not willing to compromise, not even on things that will make both of your lives better.
Marriage doesn’t have to be that way, but you both need to make changes, and you both need the motivation to make the changes. Your husband, by stonewalling on these issues can maintain the status quo. That is by far the easiest thing for him, but that’s not good for you.
So what do you do? I don’t know either. But perhaps with all the big brains floating around here, we can figure something out.
I’m not married, but I agree with all that’s been said here. Your husband works brutal hours. Let him sleep. And there’s absolutely no reason why your children aren’t getting themselves up and fed, along with helping with the chores. You and your husband both need to make them do their part (BTW - are these the same children coming home looking trashed at the end of the school day? It’s not like they’re in kindergarten. I’d expect better from them at their ages with that, too. Depending, of course, on how “delayed” your daughter is.)
Since they’re in school fulltime, can you get at least a part-time job and perhaps cut the hours your hubby is working? It sounds like you could use some family-time, rather than your husband basically rooming at your house and you basically being a single mom.
Your hubby can’t sit back and pat himself on the back since most posters are agreeing that he should be allowed to sleep late. He also needs to realize that almost all the posters have also said that he needs to be there for **you **where his family is concerned.
As far as sex is concerned, that should be a partnership, too. He needs to understand that you have likes and dislikes and have a right to enjoy sex as much as he does.
Oh, for the stats - I’m a 42 year old single female.
This just floors me. Is he mad? No, no…probably not crazy, but I can assure you (and him) that he is wrong. He does not, can not, and never will know your body better than you. No man can. No other person could -man or woman. If he is trying to tell you what feels good and what you like regardless of the truth of the matter, he is manipulative, controlling, and does not have your best interests or feelings at heart.
I forgot to mention that your posts don’t sound very encouraging of your husband. Have you nothing good to say about him? And do you often say those things to him? I understand that you are giving your POV, but you must also try to see his. He can’t be as one-dimensional or un-thinking as you portray. There was something there when you married him. If you bad-mouth him to virtual strangers, can you see why he should be reluctant to take your side when other people bad-mouth you?
Try to be supportive of one another. You’re supposed to be a team.
Just in case it got lost in all my blather, I’m a woman, 45, divorced, and with a few cohabitation relationships under my belt.