Tell me about your marriage.

In My Humble Opinion
81

Thanks Scarlett, I tried searching that up, thought it was dragongirl.

Female 37, married eight years (shacked up the previous 2), 2 children - son who is five, daughter who is four. Husband posts here as Brainiac4.

  1. On bossing him around and sleeping in late: I try not to nag - which leads me into trouble sometimes, as Brainiac4 doesn’t understand that I’ve bit my lip over requesting that he help out five times before I make the request, and then blow up. A continual challenge, but I learn to “tell” (not ask) earlier and he’s learned to gage my mood.

On sleeping in late: We try to take turns getting up early with our kids - taking each others sleep schedules, moods and health into consideration.

On your situation, I’m not feeling too bad for either of you. Your kids are certainly old enough (unless your daughters developmental delay is severe) to get up by themselves, turn on cartoons and pour themselves cereal. I don’t think its unrealistic to expect him up and about earlier - at least once a month.

  1. On his family hating you: I don’t get along with Brainiac4’s father at all. So I see him once a year for about two hours. Fortunately, his mother and I do fine (his parents are divorced), and he does pretty well with my family (right now, my family is in some passive agressive twilight zone episode and neither of us is doing well with them - but that’s unusual). Now, his brother’s wife is pretty universally disliked by the family. But we do make an effort (no one has come right out and said leave her - but he has brought up being unhappy).

  2. On sex: Great, doesn’t happen often enough for Brainiac4, but its good when it does. Your husband is wrong. He can’t know what feels good to you by some weird superior male lovemaking skill. He needs a ticket on the clue bus.

Some other thoughts - your kids are in school (well, probably not know because its summer). Get yourself a job. Anything to make a little cash, gain some sort of resume (in case either or you gets fed up enough to end it), and give you a little perspective outside your life. Besides, it DOES look lazy if your kids are in school six hours a day and you do exact what - apparently not laundry.

82

Good LORD. I will first say that I’m about 150% sure that we’re not getting the full story. No one in their right mind could possibly be as dense as dragongirl is making her hubby out to be.

I will also say that between the “slob” acquaintance, the “cow udders” and his family, it sounds like he’s not very happy either.

I do want to challenge one statement:

???

Is everyone elses child an absolute monster?! I understand that a developmentally delayed child might be a little more challenging than my boy, but arguing about breakfast at 5am on a weekend would earn my kid a week without video games and a horrible growl from the depths of my bedroom commanding him to go back to sleep or eat a pop tart. I know for a fact that being a SAHM with an infant or toddler (or both) can be incredibly challenging, because you really don’t get two minutes of your own combined throughout the day. But with older children, someone REALLY needs to be laying down the law. As someone else mentioned, you’re not doing them any favors. Children who behave in this fashion will only get worse and test boundaries more as time wears on. This MUST be addressed, regardless of your husband and your own issues.

It is, of course, entirely possible that I was blessed with a child who will happily watch Cartoon Network or play games until I crawl my happy arse out of bed at 10:30 or so with nary a word. He may come in and hop in bed with me for a few minutes… to tell me how he slept or what’s currently happening in Jimmy Neutron, but after that… it’s back to the livingroom. If he doesn’t grab a pop tart or some cereal, I may get up and fix him some waffles before retiring again. I can’t imagine being up at 5am for the WHOLE DAY. Good looord. These children need boundaries and enforcement NOW before they’re teenagers and ruined for good.

Anyhoooo. Back to your marriage.

If I worked 6 days a week, from 3am until 8pm(??), so that you could stay home with the kids, I would not do A THING on Sunday. Chances are if you added up all of the chores/cooking/child interaction/etc in any given day, it wouldn’t add up to 17 hours of the day. That’s a ridiculous amount of work. Now if that’s an arrangement that you are both happy with, so be it. But if you don’t think you should have to handle the house by yourself, what makes you think he want’s to handle the breadwinning all by himself?

I don’t want to sound like I’m absolutely defending the guy here… he’s obviously horribly inconsiderate and if my SO ever compared my breasts to cow udders, he would find himself having sex “udderly” alone for the rest of his days. Blech. What kind of jackass says that to a woman, any woman… let alone his wife?! Sick, sick.

As for his family, that really sucks but them’s the breaks. You can’t MAKE him stand up for you. I suggest sitting them down, one by one and asking what it is about you that they won’t accept. See if you can reach a compromise with them. They may be completely shocked that you don’t hate them just as much as they hate you. If no compromise can be reached, you must set your boundaries and stick to them. I promise you that if your children go to their house, they are more than likely talking trash about you in the kids’ presence. And as someone else pointed out, those children will eventually pick up on this. From the sound of it, they’ve already picked up on dad’s habit of being argumentative to get one’s way.

It may be helpful for you both to sit down together and make two lists. Make one list of all of the reasons that you love one another and/or put up with eachother, and make one list with the top 5 things that you have a hard time accepting about one another. Sit down with these lists and really analyze them. I know he probably won’t think it’s important… but it’s your responsibility to make him understand just how important and how serious this is.

This will help on two fronts. He might not know what you see in him and vice versa. You must always communicate the positive to one another. Too many relationships let this ship pass and only communicate when there’s a problem. You can’t live like this. You can’t be in a successful relationship with only negative feedback. This might also help you outline where both of you can improve. Maybe he doesn’t know that XYZ bugs the shit out of you. Likewise, maybe you didn’t know that ABC drives him insane. Try the lists. Really. What’ve you got to lose?

And the sex thing… bleh. Until you fix the rest of this, your sex life will NOT improve. Bad sex is almost always a symptom of a larger problem.

Good luck to you.

83

I have another post to make regarding this:

This guy is a class A jackass. Comparing your marriage to others or getting advice here will not fix that. Wow. Stunning lack of respect. No wonder he doesn’t stick up for you or care what you like in bed. You have some serious decisions to make, I think.

84

Keep your head up, dragongirl. It may seem hard right now, but you can get through it.

I’m not married, nor do I have kids, so maybe I shouldn’t even be posting. A little encouragement never hurt anybody, though. Woman to woman, the best you can do is focus on the things that you have control over. Your husband will not change unless he wants to change; if he is not willing to change, then YOU have to makes some changes. A stalemate won’t get you anything but frustrated and resentful.

You don’t have control over him and it doesn’t look like you can just up and leave either. So those are two things that, at least for the moment, are out of your control. It sucks, but you can’t make him do anything no matter how right you are.

You do have control over your kids, though. At least some control, anyways. Start exercising it. Their unwillingness to be independent and less difficult is bad for your well-being, so don’t give in to their demands. Make turning these people into more self-reliant pre-teens (b/c that’s what both of them are) a goal to shoot for in the next few weeks and months. A lot of the resentment you are feeling for your husband will probably lift when the kids stop demanding so much of your time and energy. It would suck having to do the most basic things for people practically old enough to be having sex! Have a sit-down with both of them and tell them that it’s right time to be behaving more maturely. You can not let this go on any further!!!

You also have control over becoming more job marketable. It may seem hard, but many people in your shoes have done it. Going to school is probably your best bet. Maybe start a thread on such a topic? Surely a Doper around here can give you some advice on becoming more attractive to employers, so you won’t be so dependent on a man that really doesn’t care for you in the manner that you need.

Regardless, I’m wishing you the best.

85

Jobs.

I just wanted to throw in a thought here.

One way to get out into the work world without worrying about paying for child care is to work for a local school system in a job that gives you the same days off that the kids get, so you are home when they are. Schools need a lot more than teachers – they need aides, kitchen staff, people to answer phones, clean the place and drive the buses. You can get a job in the kitchen or answering phones with a high school diploma. Maybe you should look into doing something like that. It will get you out of the house, give you a little more independence and some work experience that you might be able to use for a better job in the future.

The school system my husband used to work for also had a roster of substitutes for office work – perhaps you could try doing that to see how it suits you. A friend of mine used to be an office sub, and she ended up getting hired for a full time job as an attendance secretary. The pay isn’t a lot, but it’s not bad, she gets her own benefits (which is also important) and only has to work on the days the kids come to school. I don’t know if you’d want to learn to drive a bus, but they were always desperate for substitute drivers.

Also, think in positive terms. Don’t think about why you can’t do something - think about why (and how) you can.

86

Also substitute custodians. Mr. S has been subbing for two school districts for about a year now – full-time days in one elementary school for the regular custodian who’s out for back surgery, and a few night shifts a week in our local district. Next week he starts full-time summer custodial work in the local district, and is a top contender for one of the several full-time regular openings coming up in August. :slight_smile:

Both districts have a dearth of substitute custodians, and are always looking for new blood. No diploma required, just a good work ethic. Mr. S has blown them away just by showing up on time and doing the work he’s supposed to. Apparently that’s not the norm. As a sub he gets something like $9.50/hour, and when he gets the regular job, that will go up and he’ll get bennies. (Yay! Real health insurance again! Around here the school district bennies are spectacular.)