Tell me an Irish joke

In My Humble Opinion
61

These three Irishmen were having a few pints celebrating their good fortune of being men whilst drowning the sorrows their wives had befell them. (but they didn’t beat their wives :wink: they just got drunk at them

“My wife is the dumbest female I ever met.” says one.

“Why’s that?” they ask.

“She told me just today that she put down some money to buy herself a car and the woman can’t even drive. Like she’d ever go anywhere without ME.”

The second man said, “She’s not so dumb…perhaps she can learn to drive. Then she can leave anytime.
My wife however, she’s really stupid. I found out last week she’s been depositing half o’ me paycheck into the wrong bank and in her name no less.”

“Aye says the first…she is truly dumber than me own wife. But perhaps she could open an account of her own, so you won’t lose it?”

and the third drunken husband stood and loudly proclaimed, so that all could hear.

“MY WIFE is the dumbest of them all…she left to visit her poor mother today. Doesn’t know when she’ll be back. The fool packed a box of condoms in her bag and don’t be tellin me, aahh but perhaps she’ll grow herself a willy.”

Aye, poor soul…he’s right. His missus, she ain’t real bright. :smiley:

62

The second man said, "She’s not so dumb…perhaps she can learn to drive. Then she can leave anytime.
My wife however, she’s really stupid. I found out last week she’s been depositing half o’ me paycheck into the wrong bank."

When I was editing this I should have removed the last part of the last line in this quote from above. I think it’s better told this way. Perhaps a Mod 'll come along and edit it for me. Think I’ll go get meself a pint now. :smiley:

63

Yet…

:smiley:

Yep, you have every imaginable right to tell any joke you want, and anyone offended by it has every imaginable right to tell you so.

64

How can I put this politely…

Reformers have every right to rail against the evils of drinking and prostitution, but they’d better have a damned good explanation for their extended presence at Miss Kitty’s Saloon. You knew what this thread would look like before you double-clicked on it.

I’m from a very conspicuously Irish-American family; it’s not like I’m on top of Mount Olympus making fun of all those silly-assed little mortals. And the “offensive” jokes I told were chosen because they don’t work for any ethnicity other than the Irish. Sure, other ethnicities have reputations for alcoholism and spousal abuse, but they enjoy better sexual reputations than the Irish (warranted or not); “Open marriage” is a less-unlikely juxtaposition for them. And the Acton/Bismarck story wouldn’t have made appreciably more sense if “Kurds” and “Armenians” had been substituted for “Irish” and “Dutch.”

Must be cold on that high horse in this weather…

65

The Irishman is walking down the beach the one day when he sees a bottle sticking out of the sand. He picks up the bottle, pulls out the cork, and a genie appears. “I am the genie of the bottle and am here to grant you three wishes,” says the genie. The Irishman replies, “Well, I’m rather thirsty. I’d like a pint of Guinness.” Poof! A pint appears in the Irishman’s hand. He drinks it down and it fills back up. He drains it again, and it fills back up. “What is this?” he says. “It’s a magic pint,” says the genie. “It’s never empty. Every time you drink from it, it will always refill. It will provide you with fresh Guinness forever.” “This is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in my life!” says the Irishman. “I love this!” “I’m delighted you’re so happy,” says the genie. “I hope I can do as well with your next two wishes. What else would you like?” “Why,” says the Irishman, “I want two more of these!”

66

Krokodil, are we to understand that your excuse for telling jokes that you know to be deeply offensive to people of the nationality they describe (which does not include you, BTW, notwithstanding the fact that it included some of your ancestors) is that there is no other nationality you could tell them about??

Holy cow.

67

Twistoffate is right, theres a difference between light-hearted and witty playing on a theme (as most of the jokes here are) and being blatantly offensive. “You’re all a bunch of wife-beating drunks!!!” falls clearly under the latter.

That said (and I’m Irish myself, well Northern Irish)…bit out of date but still…

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. “Hallo! Mr. Hussein,” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!” “Well, Paddy,” Saddam replied, “This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?” “At this moment in time,” said Paddy after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 9!” Saddam sighed. “I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command.” “Begorra!”, said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back!”

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. “Right Mr.Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!” “And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Saddam asked. “Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy’s tractor from the farm.” Once more Saddam sighed. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke.” “Really?!” said Paddy “I’ll have to ring you back!”

Paddy rang again the next day. “Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Ted’s ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!” Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. “I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guidedsurface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million.” “Faith and begorra!”, said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back.” Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. “Right Mr.Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.” “I’m sorry to hear that” said Saddam. “Why the sudden change of heart?” “Well,” said Paddy “We’ve all had a chat, and there’s no way we can feed 2 million prisoners.”

68

No, you’re to understand that these were offered as examples of jokes specifically about the (stereotypical) Irish, as the OP seemed to request.

Sorry you feel I’m no longer ethnically Irish. I wonder if someone whose great-grandfather came over from Anatevka via Ellis Island still counts as Jewish in your cosmology?

Sorry, no such thing for me. Don’t believe in 'em.

69

I see that in addition to being utterly without tact or manners, you also do not understand the difference between nationality and ethnicity.

70

In the context of American ethnic humor, there really isn’t a difference. Ireland’s stereotypical traits are imputed to me, whether they fit or not. Italian jokes could be about Vinnie from Brooklyn just as easily as Salvatore from Calabria, as dissimilar as their experiences are; the form makes no distinction between the two. It’s actually a part of our assimilation process.

And I’m gonna let your crack about tact and manners slide; it’s part of my gracious Southern upbringing.

71

Which would be great if that was the context in which I was speaking, but it wasn’t.

72

Hey guys chill, here join me in a traditional Irish 7 course meal. 1 boiled potato and a six pack.

73

Foolish boy, I was agreeing with your right to tell whatever jokes you want.
:rolleyes:

74

Have you heard that Jesus Christ was really Irish?
It’s true.
He lived at home until he was thirty, spent all of his time hanging out with his mates, and he thought that his mother was a virgin.

75

Two taxis crashed in New York City the other night. Twenty Irishmen were killed.

76

O’Rourke walks into a pub.
“Paddy! You’ve got a steering wheel sticking out of your britches!” exclaims the bartender.
“Aye, I know. It’s driving me nuts.” says O’Rourke.

(Best when told with an Irish accent.)

77

The Question: What is Irish Foreplay?
The Answer: " Brace yerself, Bridgie."

And this can be worked to every ethnicity out there, that is the beauty of it. :slight_smile: