Rysdad
I am a redhead, you see, and I do not tempt. I insist. -Cristi
Nurlman, from What can Cecil do to me?:
What can Cecil do to you? Dear God, boy, you take your own life in your hands for even asking the question.
Cecil can sully your credit rating with a flick of his pen. He can spam hacker newsgroups using your e-mail account, and fundamentalist religious newsgroups using your telephone number. He can telepathically induce incontinence, hemmorhoids, or the worst case of blue balls you’ve ever experienced–especially if you’re a girl.
Merely to entertain himself while folding laundry, Cecil has been known to Rapture entire villages in southern Cambodia. Upset over being called to jury duty once, he astrally traveled to Olympus where he laid a big ol’ hurt on Zeus, then descended into Hades and gave Satan a serious wedgie. Cecil can travel through time and seduce your mother and force her to give you a funny name. Cecil gives dead people the Clap just for fun.
You know that tortilla in Mexico that the Virgin Mary appeared on? Cecil ate it and then bitched about it tasting all fishy. But did God do anything about it? No sir. God’s been scared of Cecil ever since Cecil signed God up for all kinds of magazine subscriptions and put a bag of flaming doo-doo on God’s doorstep.
That’s assuming you piss him off. Be Cecil’s buddy, and he’s liable to mentally give you a mind-bending orgasm right in middle of reading a book or performing a circumcision. He’ll buy you expensive chocolates and eat all the prune-filled ones so you don’t have to. He’ll smite your enemies and give you the skulls to keep so you can make really cool candleholders. Then he’ll have your car detailed and park it on the other side of the street after 4 pm every day for you.