The power of Ted Jesus COMMANDS YOU!

[Ale]

@Tinkertoy

From his prophecies:

16 Satan and the Demons look like human men.

Well that explains my ex-husband.

Oh great, there goes my fantasy of getting dirty with a hot (hee hee!) succubus.

[Largo62]

@Larry Mudd

The ones that humanoid demons are taking over, duh!

Thanks for clearing that up, Larry, clear as Mudd.

[Lando_Griffin]

Do not participate in Exotic Erotic Balls.

Huh?

Do not drink or eat anything with chemicals in this.

Since that seems to be just about everything, I guess Ted Jesus wants us to starve.

Do not put your penis between a women or females breast and have sex and then ejaculate on her.

Do not ejaculate on the breasts or stomach or butt or back or face or head or hair or anyplace on her body of a women or female.

Do not put or rub semen on a women or female that you were having sexual intercourse with.

I think we know what kind of porno used to be Ted’s favorite.

Do not participate in hazing.

Tragically misunderstood, Ted Jesus found himself the subject of much ridicule in High School.

Do not try to takeover from God.

Do not attempt to overthrow God.

Damn! All my years of planning gone to waste!

Do not participate in chat rooms.

Whew! Glad this message board is safe (for now)

[sleeping]

Do not allow your hymen to be broken in unless you are married and this is from your husband using your husbands penis.

Well I’m glad we got that settled. There’s been an annoying trend of husbands using other guys penises to screw their wives.
How does one go about doing that, anyway?

[sleeping]

Women and Females should not wear shorts and pants.

It’s good to see he’s got his bases covered–no non-female women and such.

Do not pay for sex.

Yeah, just get in the car and drive away while the bitch is in the bathroom.

Do not STEAL from THE ONE LIVING GOD and not pay your Tithes FAITHFULLY that is 10% if not rich and if rich that is currently defined to be a net worth of 1 million dollars than 37%.

Not really clear, but it seems God supports a graduated income tax.

[Largo62]

@sleeping

Well I’m glad we got that settled. There’s been an annoying trend of husbands using other guys penises to screw their wives.
How does one go about doing that, anyway?

If your name is Lorena Bobbett you could use it even if he wasn’t there.

[vanilla]

Lol!
Great thread.

Do not believe in false prophets named Ted!

Oops, that was mine.

[sleeping]

@DesertGeezer

If your name is Lorena Bobbett you could use it even if he wasn’t there.

Actually, I didn’t know who Lorena Bobbitt was so I googled the name. Came up with an interesting related story:

New Yorker Earl Zea, 34, told police last spring an intruder sawed off his “wienerwurst.” Zea drove himself to the hospital. He finally admitted cutting off his “Polish dog” with pruning shears to discourage another man from seeking him for romance, an AP story said.

Huh.

[Ogre]

Do not drink or eat or put in your body or on your body anything that is Biotech. This includes NOT allowing anything put topically or in your nose or in your eyes or shots or put in veins or given through an IV or Intravenously anything that is Biotech. The things made from Biotech are ENORMOUS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! Many things from Biotech can and will cause PERMANENT GENETIC DEFECTS that can be passed on to children and grandchildren and descendents. Biotech is 100 to 1000 to 10K and some MORE LETHAL for you than the eating of pork or unclean meats!

I think he took Deus Ex a little too seriously.

[Doomtrain]

Anyone else reminded of that Kids in the Hall sketch? Ted’s Church Of The Very Bright Light?

“It means God’s avoiding you, Ted!”

[Kimstu]

Surprised nobody’s mentioned

Do not neglect to marry off your daughter soon after she starts her period and starts to bleed periodically because when doing this she is adult for a human and is old enough to reproduce and is ready and is old enough to be and should be getting married!

:eek: Marrying off your daughters at puberty. They’s a few laws against that, Ted ol’ buddy.

[ivylass]

Do not watch movies unless Close Follower of TJCG movies.

Can I take this to mean that once I am a Close Follower of TJCG, I can watch movies?
Funny, I tried to post this yesterday and I got the Blue Screen of Day-uth along with a keyboard.exe error. Maybe Ted really is watching… :eek:

[Ale]

@Kimstu

Surprised nobody’s mentioned

Do not neglect to marry off your daughter soon after she starts her period and starts to bleed periodically because when doing this she is adult for a human and is old enough to reproduce and is ready and is old enough to be and should be getting married!

:eek: Marrying off your daughters at puberty. They’s a few laws against that, Ted ol’ buddy.

Uh… wait, Ted Almighty said:

Ominous voice
Do not have sex with a close relative.

You think, maybe, perhaps, there could be some inconsistencies in his doctrine?

[Bruce_Daddy]

Do not if a women or female straddle a motorcycle and ride a motorcycle or be given a ride because this is not proper and she can have orgasms from the vibrations.

I’m getting a motorcycle.

[vanilla]

Ted backwards is debt.

[FriarTed]

@vanilla

Lol!
Great thread.

Do not believe in false prophets named Ted!

Oops, that was mine.

But true prophets named Ted are A-OK!

[Pixiesnix]

According to Ted, I should’ve been married at the age of ten. So now, at the ripe old age of 26, I’m well past my prime! Oh, the shame! The disgrace!

[kambuckta]

@vanilla

Ted backwards is debt.

No it’s not.

[Atticus_Finch]

TJCG is saying that NONE of HIS Writings are to be edited or changed because this is when DECEPTION does INFILTRATE in from Satan or Devil and Demons! The words are to be EXACTLY how written including in translations! The cussing is to be left in!

From T-D’s legal section. As a law clerk, I think we should write clauses like this into contracts all the time…

The section is a mad screed like everything else, but he does appear to know what he’s talking about in some ways. It’s quite meticulous. Either he’s written many such disclaimers before, or he’s working from Legal Proformas for Tin-Hat Loonies.

[joyfool]

@kambuckta

@vanilla

Ted backwards is debt.

No it’s not.

See, it’s a miracle! We are the first to behold the power of the ‘silent’ B!

Praise ye to TJCG!

By the way, shouldn’t the Second Coming have at least used an acronym instead? Rolls off the tongue better. And do all the returned Christs (Christii?) talk in the third person? If so, that must be how we’ll know they’re the real deal.

True prophet indeed. Where do I sign up or would a PayPal contribution be the way to go for full discipleship? I wanna be faithful, ya know.