When I wrote that I was a little unclear about where Punk 1’s family lived, but a review of your OP and your last post made it clearer they moved. (Maybe you said so in the first thread, but I forget.) You’ve definitely given us loads of information.
You did the right thing in talking about yourself in the impact statement. I have no idea how much the judge may have considered it, but I’m glad he was sympathetic to your family and took the crime seriously. He’s doing his part to keep them from shrugging it off, at least, even though that might not mean much if the kid’s parents keep indulging him.
Well, as a former public defender in Virginia, I have a passing familiarity with the laws of that state. It’s unclear to me if the predicate offense occurred in Maryland, since you mention the Maryland state police as well…
But here are the rules for Virginia, laid out in Va. Code § 9.1-902, “Offenses requiring registration:”
[ul]
[li]A sexually violent offense[/li][li]Carnal knowledge of child between thirteen and fifteen years of age[/li][li]Carnal knowledge of certain minors (basically minors when the adult is in a supervisory or custodial role)[/li][li]Entering dwelling house, etc., with intent to commit rape[/li][li]Possession, reproduction, distribution, and facilitation of child pornography[/li][li]Sexual abuse of a child under 15 years of age, where “sexual abuse” is an act committed with the intent to sexually molest, arouse, or gratify any person[/li][li]Rape, attempted rape, forcible sodomy, object sexual penetration, aggravated sexual battery, and sexual battery[/li][li]Third conviction of unlawful filming, videotaping or photographing of another[/li][li]If the victim is a minor, then: kidnapping; abduction with intent to defile; crimes against nature; adultery; incest[/li][/ul]
I go into this detail because it’s simply not correct for someone to tell you, “I have to register as a sex offender in Virginia because I gave condoms to a 13-year-old I knew was sexually active.”
Unless the condom was on his penis at the time, that is.
Lady, you have both guts and class. I admire how you handled yourself and your family throughout this whole ordeal. Yes, you had no other choice, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t do an exceptional job.
As a member and former legislative research volunteer for the National Association to PROTECT Children, the first lobbying group to step up and fight for the rights of abused children, I’ve seen hundreds of stories like yours, so I say from a fairly informed perspective that you handled it extremely well.
Also, if you do file a civil suit, make certain to include a request for damages to provide for your daughter’s counseling. That’ll likely have a better shot than a simple unspecified punitive damages request.
My best wishes to you, your spouse, your daughter and the rest of your family. Keep up the strength, love and good work.
Well, as I said, I’m not just going on what my friend told me, but on what the State Police (Maryland) told me as well. So, I dunno. Maybe the charges were in Maryland. The bottom line, though, is that no one in the family felt at any time like this guy was a danger to my family, and as soon as he thought it might reflect badly on me and my family for him to be here, he insisted on moving out.
Fallen Angel, thank you for the input. There is no charge for the counseling she’s currently getting, as it is through the Family Crisis Resource Center, which is always free. Whether we will change to a different therapist down the line, I don’t know. I will, however, get some assistance in figuring out an exact figure we can ask for. I know we won’t ever see that money, but if it clues in the parents. . .
Yes, I’ve made it through this one, and will make it through whatever is in the future.
In turns, it saddens and angers me the degree (or lack thereof) of parenting that goes on in the punk’s homes. Punk 1’s parents have five freakin’ children! Do you know why I had three children? Because, among other things, I recognized three as my effective limit. Those dickheads are no more fit to be parents than I am fit to be the Queen of England. And yet they keep reproducing. . .
I truly am sorry for what your family has gone through, and am impressed at your fortitude. And tho you don’t owe me any explanation, I am curious about whether you have thought what it might take for your family to put this behind you. What are your goals? To punish the punks and their parents? Or to teach the punks a lesson - reform them as it were? What will do the best job at healing your family’s distress? How much process - and what kind - will be most effective in allowing your daughter to get back to her job of being a normal, fun-loving kid?
I ask this in large part because of your comment re: pursuing a civil suit. If you don’t want to answer my questions, I urge you to at least please be honest with yourself as to what you wish to accomplish from such action? In my experience lawsuits are generally unpleasant and expensive proceedings, ill-suited at truly making wronged individuals “whole.”
I do not for a moment wish to understate the significance of what occurred. But it saddens me to think that this ugly incident will continue to be a major factor in your family’s lives for the indeterminate future.
Well, maybe I should let this drop, especially since it’s moot with respect to your family.
But I don’t like the reader left with the impression it’s possible to have to register as a sex offender because you gave condoms to a 13-year-old that “you knew to be sexually active.” There’s simply more to the story.
How did your conversation with the Maryland State Police come about? Who did you talk to, and with what level of specificity?
When my friend moved in to the vacant duplex next door (which we own), he registered with the Sex Offenders registry in this state, as per his agreement with the police. Shortly thereafter, the State police knocked on my door. The officer said “You know that the man living next door is a sex offender?” I said yes. The officer said “Do you know what he did?” and I said I knew what he had told me, and was confident, per conversations with mudgirl that there had been no inappropriate actions on his part (her willingness to report to me about Punks reinforces this; she knows what’s wrong, and knows what to do about it). The officer said “Yes, that’s basically what happened; the kid’s mother freaked out, and rather than go through a trial, he plead guilty to the offense, and is on the registry because of it”. That’s all I know about the story. There may be more to the story, I don’t know. What I do know is that at no point did any of my children feel threatened by his presence here. If anything else had ever been indicated, directly or by their reaction, he would have been out of here so fast his head would have spun.
As for what my goal is, it would be twofold: One, to wake up the parents to the realities of life and hopefully give them a wake-up call. Two, to give my daughter some closure, and make sure that she feels that justice was served.
Again, if this is pursued, it will be in cooperation with mudgirl’s therapist. I see one of two possibilities: One, we can pursue the civil suit and it might give my little girl some sense that justice has indeed been served; two, it could drag things out further and delay her healing. If it’s number one, we’ll pursue. If it’s number two, we’ll leave it lay.
I can only be one person, doing one job. My job right now is to be her mother/guardian/protector. Therefore, I will do whatever suits her needs the best. I do not see this as an opportunity to heal old wounds of mine. Certainly, my past experiences come to bear on what I am feeling now. But if vengeance for my troubles is what I’m after, that does not serve her best interest. I know all too well what it is to have a mother who puts her own interests before mine. I will not do that to my daughter.
I don’t for a moment want to believe that it will be a factor for a long time. However, statistically, girls/women who are victimized once are victimized again. I don’t know why. What I want mudgirl to come out of this with is not feeling that she is a victim or damaged in some way, but that she is strong, smart and capable and handled the situation in the best possible way. If that can be accomplished, it will help her to handle any future challenges with confidence and a sense of self-worth. Whatever I can do here and now to foster this is what I will do.
With this as your guide, I don’t think you can go far wrong.
I’m no pshrink, but I feel the one of the number one things about how something like this affects someone long term is how supported they feel by the people who matter to them. You’ve shown her constantly that this was wrong, not her fault, that you think she did exactly the right thing, and that there should be some justice done. If this could be handled in a better way I can’t see it.
Regardless of legal outcomes, of punishment doled out or not, this seems to me to be the most important thing: that she feels supported by you and your family.
While I feel some compassion and feel sorry (to some extent) to the Punks, my number one duty is to my daughter. Since she was maybe 3, when asked “What’s a Mama for?” she would answer “Taking care of they babies” (her syntax has improved since, ) but the point is valid. My job is “taking care of my babies”. This includes standing up for her, reinforcing her positive actions, getting her help when appropriate, and basically being her rock.
Whatever I might feel for or about the Punks, my number one duty is to my daughter, and I will not lose sight of that.
Thanks for the update, norinew, and allow me to add to the congratulatory and laudatory chorus. You are doing well in handling this issue, and in working with what your daughter and your family needs right now. Keep up the good work!
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I can only hope I might deal with such a situation as well as you are.
Just my opinion as an ignorant outsider, but I strongly urge you to focus your resorces on #2 - as it sounds you are doing. #1 would be a nice bonus, but I suspect far more expensive and unlikely. And these creeps are just a few of the many many creeps out there whom your family will need to deal with/avoid
As the daughter of someone who most definitely did NOT have that on the agenda, I have to say that this is a great, succinct way to put it. And yeah, the Punks’ parents are failing miserably in those same regards, but that’s on them, not on you.
Most girls/women who are victimized once never had you for a mother. Most of them had a mother similar to Punk #1’s. Most of them had mothers who didn’t believe them, didn’t stand up for them, and didn’t protect them. They came to believe that it was normal and acceptable to be victimized. They came to believe that they didn’t deserve to be protected.
They didn’t have you.
mudgirl has you, and thanks to you, even though this awful thing happened to her, she’s going to grow up knowing how to take care of herself. She’ll have the self-esteem necessary to stay away from unhealthy situations and relationships.
I’m glad to have an update on the situation, and glad that things seem to basically be going well for you, with the justice system doing what it ought to. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.
) but the point is valid. My job is “taking care of my babies”. This includes standing up for her, reinforcing her positive actions, getting her help when appropriate, and basically being her rock.