One swallow does not a blow job make.
I once complained I had no shoes - until I met a man who had no feet. So I said - ‘hey, you got any shoes you’re not using?’ — Steven Wright
You can get more with a kind word and a gun, than you can with just a kind word. — Al Capone
The meek shall inherit nothing. Frank Zappa
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
“This life does some poor creatures dirt
And Mother Nature lets it;
The early robin gets the worm,
The early worm just gets it.”
-N.M. Bodecker
Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat the class…
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t call the kettle black.
I once cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So uh, I took his shoes. You know, because… he didn’t need 'em.
Behind every man is a stunned woman. -can’t remember
Always follow the path of righteousness, for the path of sin is already congested.
One of my favorites: Men. Can’t live with 'em, can’t bury 'em in the back yard. They lower the property value. 
The American Heart and Lung Association surveyed doctors and found that 9 out of 10 doctors who tried Camels went back to women.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
A pessimist says the glass is half empty
An optimist says the glass is half full.
A housewife says “I’ll probably have to wash
the damned thing, seeing as no one else lifts
a finger around here!”
If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success.
“Give a man fire and he’s warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life.” Possibly a Terry Pratchett original.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then we can play with the eye.” -Definitely not Terry Pratchett.
I once complained that I had no flamethrower until I met a man who had no chainsaw.
Well! Aren’t you a sore for sighted eyes!
Dead men tell no tales. They’re fresh out of anecdotes and witty comments, too. That makes them very boring dinner guests.
Three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and dirty dishes.
There is no such thing as a stupid question… unless you’re Jessica Simpson.
Here’s one of my own:
Take the middle path. Just make it VERY wide.
If a bear shits in the woods, and nobody’s there to smell it, does it still stink?
That reminds me of a variant I once cobbled up:
If a tree falls in a forest onto a bear taking a shit in the woods, who gives a shit?
…or, If a man speaks in the forest and there’s no woman around to hear it, is he still wrong?
I’ve always like the whore-to-culture saying, attributed to Dorothy Parker upon being asked to use the word “horticulture” in a sentence.