“This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.”
“Thank you for making my last moment on Earth socially awkward”.
“As punishment for your desertion, it’s Company Policy to give you the…plague.” ( I use this one all the time when someone asks for time off)
“Reeeee-cyyyyyy-cling? Heh heh - shutup little girl.”
“Oh, and one more thing. You must find the Jade Monkey…before the next full moon…”
“Uh, sir, we already found the Jade Monkey, it was in your glove compartment.”
“And the road maps, and the ice scraper?”
“They were in there too.”
“Excellent. It’s all falling into place.”
“It was the best of times…it was the BLURST of times?!! You stupid monkey!!”
“I don’t know what ‘phallocentric’ means, but no girls!”
“Homer, your heroics have turned what could have been a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island.”
“I’m enjoying this ‘iced cream’, as you call it.” We use this for many occasions and substances.
My current gmail quote applies here:
“Ironic, isn’t it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.”
Ah…I see I should’ve read this thread from the top down and not just searched for “ironic.” Either way, maybe the double post will bring someone double joy. This whole thread is threatening to get me fired.
Preceding that:
Mr. Burns: Get me Steven Spielberg.
Smithers: He’s unavailable.
Mr. Burns: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent.
“They sing without juicers…they sing without blenders…they sing without flungers, capdabblers and smandlers!”
(I could be in this thread all day)
After Smithers informs him that his top picks for softball players are all retired and passed on…
“Damnation! All right, find me some good players. Living players! I want you to scour the American League, the National League, the Negro Leagues!”
“Smithers, that man’s blouse appears to contain some kind of communique”
“Uh, it says ‘Don’t wake me when I’m working’, sir”
{outraged} Sheer Bolshevism! And ripe for the quashing!
I use that last line whenever possible.
“Smithers! This reminds me of that fat man I used to ride to work!”
- Burns, riding an elephant
Whenever Smithers identifies Homer to him for the Nth time, Burns says thoughtfully, “Hmmm. Simpson, eh…?”
Burns invites Lisa to become his business partner. She says, “Well, OK… but nothing evil!” He replies, “That’s just the kind of innovative, outside-of-the-box thinking I’m looking for!”
Burns describing his workers as he watches them on his monitor:
“Goldbrickers. Layabouts! Slugabeds!!”
Mr. Burns: Smithers do you think you could dig up Al Jolson?
Smithers: Ummm… Remember we tried that?
Mr. Burns: Oh right, he’s dead… and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I’d like to forget.
Two from the Halloween short King Homer from Treehouse of Horror III
“If we bring him back alive, we’ll have the greatest show New York has ever seen! Dead, and we can sell monkey stew to the army.”
“He’s dead!”
“No…but his career is. I remember when Al Jolson escaped from the Winter Garden and tried to climb the Chrysler Building. After that he couldn’t get arrested in this town.”
I just realizes I’ve never heard the “angel” half of that line. I’m always laughing too hard at the first part.
Not really Mr Burns but this one creases me:
Hitler glaring at Bobo while Berlin lies in ruins “It’s all your fault”
BURNS: There you are…there you go, little fellow…and you. [one of the puppies stands on its hind legs] [gasps] Smithers, look: he’s standing up. I’ve never seen anything so adorable! Do you know who it reminds me of?
SMITHERS: Benji?
BURNS: No.
SMITHERS: Lassie?
BURNS: No, no, no, a person. You know who I mean.
SMITHERS: Snoop Doggy Dogg? Bob Barker? David Brenner?
BURNS: No, no! The person who’s always standing and walking.
SMITHERS: Rory Calhoun?
BURNS: That’s it!