Who Shot Mr. Burns?, pt. 1:
“Take that, Bowlorama! Take that, covenience mart! Take that, nuclear power pl–oh, fiddlesticks.”
I bust a gut every time. I think it’s the shamed “oohh fiddlesticks.” Heh.
Pardon that I don’t know which episode it’s from, but Burns asks Smithers:
“What are your plans for the weekend, Smithers, something GAY, I presume?” and Smithers stammering for a response.
Then Burns says something to the effect of: “Mothers, lock up your daughters, Waylon’s on the town.” To which Smithers replies: “Exactly, Sir.”
Well, if it’s a crime to love one’s country, then I’m guilty. And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I’m guilty of that too. And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I’ll soon be guilty of that!
Homer: God bless America!
“If only we had listened to that boy… Instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.”
Though my favorite quote from that segment is from Mr. Burns’ grandfather in his flashback memory, who accosts a random hammer-wielding worker in his “atom smashing factory” at the Turn of the (20th) Century thusly: "You there, turn out your pockets! (Examines lining with magnifying glass) “A-ha, ATOMS!.. One, two, three, four… SIX of them! Take him away!”
Mr. Burns
(sniffling)
Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers
There’s no maybe about it, Sir.
Mr. Burns
Excellent.
Release the robotic Richard Simmons.
“Ha! Getting a photo of me with a happy child should be no problem at all!”
While mocking Homer for his poorly worded suggestion in the suggestion box:
“Well, that was almost a sentence”
Ah, Monday morning. Time to pay for your two days of debauchery, you over-hung drones!
Pah, the Japanese?!?! Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders???
“One dollar for eternal happyness? I would be happier with the dollar”
[ mr burns ] Smithers, I’ve designed a new plane. I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry 200 passengers from the New York’s idle-wild airport to the Belgium Congo in 17 minutes!
[ smithers ] That’s quite a nice model, sir.
[ mr burns ] Model?
(later)
[ mr burns ] Now, to the plant! We’ll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in!
[ smithers ] But sir…
[ mr burns ] (Pulls a gun on him) I said Get In!
It’s actually Idlewild Airport, and another funny example of Mr. Burns’s outdated knowledge: the airport was renamed for John F. Kennedy in 1963, and the Congo (Zaire) hasn’t been a Belgian colony since 1960.
I like the one where Burns’ car pulls up to Lenny, Carl and Homer and he’s like:
Burns: You there! Shouldn’t you be at work!?
Homer: Yes Mr Burns…
Burns: Well then get back to wherever you work, whoever you are!!
I do this frequently.
One of my favorites: “Oh Ziggy, will you ever win?”
“Does anyone have change for a button”?
Mr. Burns: You’re fired.
Marge: You can’t fire me just because I’m married. I’m gonna sue the pants off of you.
Mr. Burns: You don’t have to sue me to get my pants off.
Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?
Smithers: If you did it, sir?
Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow… and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
Mr. Burns: [about bringing Marge along on their voyage] What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and sea men don’t mix, sir.
Mr. Burns: We all know what you think.
Burns: And a stunt like that impresses people?
Homer Simpson: Oh yeah, and I’m not easily impressed. Woah, a blue car!
Burns: If a couple of Chinese bamboo gobblers can win people’s hearts, I’m going to bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time.
Homer Simpson: A sober Irishman?
Burns: Even rarer.
Milhouse: [auditioning to become Burns’s heir] I have nothing to offer you but my love.
Mr. Burns: I specifically said, no geeks!
Milhouse: But my mom says I’m cool!
Nelson: Gimme your fortune or I’ll pound your withered old face in!
Mr. Burns: Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.
Martin Prince: [singing] Clang, clang, clang, went the trolley / Ring, ring, ring, went the bell / Zing, Zing, Zing, went my heartstrings…
[Nelson cold-cocks him]
Mr. Burns: Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.
Mr. Burns: Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I’m hunting for, is an outfit that looks good… / See… my… Vest. See my vest. / Made from real gorilla chest. / See this sweater, there’s no better, than authentic Irish Setter. / See this hat? 'Twas my cat, / My evening wear vampire bat. / These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino. / Grizzly bear underwear, / Turtle’s necks I’ve got my share. / Beret of Poodle on my noodle I shall rest. / Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two. / See my vest. See my vest. See my vest. / Like my loafers? Former gophers, / It was that or skin my chauffeurs / but a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best. / So let’s prepare these dogs…
Maid: Kill two for matching clogs.
Mr. Burns: See my vest, see my vest, oh please won’t you see… my… Vest! I really like the vest.
I’ll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These
are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
When opportunity knocks, you don’t want to be driving to a maternity
hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue.
Burns: Questions?
[somewhat long pause, finally Skinner raises his hand]
Skinner: Well, uh, I might take advantage of this rare opportunity
even if you children aren’t interested. Ah, which do you
think is more important? Hard work, or stick-to-it-iveness?
Burns: Are there any real questions?
– “The Old Man and the Lisa”
Burns: Well, we certainly got walloped tonight, eh, fellas? [laughs]
Homer: Yeah, ha ha –
[gets kicked under the table]
Well, Mr. – ouch! Mr. Burns, next week is the big championship
game, and –
Burns: Ah, yes, that silly championship. [laughs] The only ship worth a
damn is friendship.
[makes a paper boat] Look, here comes the friend ship, sailing
your way!
[puts it on Homer’s beer; it sinks]
Oh, here: let me get that, friend. [pulls it out]
Whoops. Lost a nail. Well, that’s leprosy for you
[Homer and coworker/temptress Mindy are representing the power plant at an industry convention in Capital City; at their hotel, they order from room service; alarm goes off in Burns’ office]
SMITHERS: Sir, someone is ordering room service on the company account!
BURNS: We’ll see about that! Fly, my pretties! Fly!
[opens cage of winged monkeys, dressed like bellhops, as in The Wizard of Oz; they all run to the window and leap out; thudding sounds as they fall to the ground]
BURNS: Continue the research.
BURNS: [addressing power-plant softball team, as inspirational music swells] Look, men, you don’t like me, and I don’t like you! So I want to remember something inspirational someone may have said to you at some time in your life, and get out there and WIN! [the players run onto the field cheering exuberantly]