I really started to wonder what I’d say in a thread like this. I am not one to completely bare my soul, nor do I believe that doing so will either help or harm anyone.
I do often feel outclassed and outwitted by most Dopers; I believe that if I didn’t feel so inadequate, I’d most likely be around 4K posts.
I’m not happy with my life right now. It’s not depressed, but more discontent, as in “how the hell did I get to this?”
Today is National Smoke Out Day (it’s called something like that anyway) and I’m not participating. I enjoy smoking and will continue to smoke for as long as I enjoy it. When it becomes a chore to light up… I’ll quit.
I like this thread. The voice in my head is reading it in mono-tone because, without the smilies, similes, metaphors, etc., it can’t be read in the normal cheery way I usually read threads.
I was also thinking this thread ended up being quite similar to the “confessions” thread.
I often start a reply or new post and then erase it without submitting it. I do this for a number of reasons. Sometimes it is because I have decided that I was about to post something really inane. Sometimes it is because I was about to post something that was too personal and that I might have regretted in the future. Sometimes it is because I feel that my post will not be up to the high quality of other posters. Most of the time it is because I am posting from work and don’t have the time to really create a well-written, well thought out post. This is why many of my posts are of the on-liner variety. That and I can usually never resist a joke. I make jokes a lot when I’m nervous and I’m nervous a lot.
I often don’t voice my insecurities about people not liking me because I think it makes me look pathetic and actually works as a self-fufilling prophecy because people who may have been indifferent will not like me. I think this works because people will apply to you the label you apply to yourself. Also, whiny people are annoying after awhile. Also, I don’t always feel like that. One moment I may think nobody likes me. The next I think everyone loves me. I’m fickle like that. That also may account for why I often erase my posts. By tomorrow I may be feeling completely different.
I wonder if all of the crazy stuff that is implied about DopeFests really happens or if it is just fun, flirty exaggeration. I didn’t notice that much crazy stuff at the OhDopefest but I may have just missed out on it. That may be because I don’t participate in flirt threads. It may be because I’m not that well known. I don’t know.
I’m going to end this post now even though I have a lot more to say because it is lunch time and I have to go out and take a short walk and get some food.
Juniper, I’d do you if I were just a little more into females. You are, and have always been (as long as I’ve known you), an incredibly beautiful and sexy person - and not only because of your personality.
I’m terrified of trying to find a job this December, and my Mom’s health insurance stops covering me on December 31. Plus, I don’t know what I really want to do with this stupid Electrical and Comp Engineering degree.
It’s going to be fun this Thanksgiving, dealing with both sides of my family and the parental separation/divorce thing.
**
Well, Tattva, if it helps, I’ll marry you, and you can be a dependent on my insurance. Seriously.
I know the feeling. My dad died in January, so I suppose I’m obligated to visit his side of the family this year. I was in Atlanta last Thanksgiving. I was never very close to his side of the family. Actually, I dislike most of my family. I could do without every single, solitary get-together. I even went so far this year as to ask a friend of mine to pretend we were dating so that I would have en excuse to leave my family early, under the guise that we had to go meet her family.
I reread my last post and realize that it looks a little like I was saying I was left out of things at the OhDopeFest. I did not mean to imply that. I did leave the festivities early and that may have been when the wild and crazy stuff happened. I did have fun before that and everyone was friendly. I did feel a little out of the loop but I think that is just because several of the people there had either met before or just had closer on line relationships. I did not in anyway feel pointedly excluded. More than likely it was my own nervousness / paranoia.
I like jarbabyj a lot. Sometimes I’m even a little jealous at her ability to keep and make friends and at her clever writing. I do think that she is a tad oversensitive sometimes but I can be that way too. I almost erased that last sentence but I’m going to leave it as an example of a lot of the things I type that I end up erasing.
I find it a bit hard to trust people. I wonder how often people post entirely made up stuff. I suspect it is not that often, but I feel like I can never really know for sure.
tevya, you make a valid point about truth-telling. There’s bound to be at least one person who isn’t quite what they make themselves out to be on here. I think at least a portion of us embellish things and gloss over certain details to make ourselves look better, or feel better about ourselves. But I also think that’s just human nature.
Related to this, I have suspected for a good amount of time that I have a very mild to moderately ungood case of the following:
DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder)
Schizophrenia
Dyslexia
AD(H)D
When I was questioning my sexuality during my freshman year and the first bit of my sophomore year, part of what made that difficult was the notion that I might be slightly drawn to men due to some unpleasant experiences I had with females when I was significantly younger. There’s a pit thread that touches on this.
The above might be innuendo. I don’t really care.
Unless your physique has changed very drastically, I doubt that less than 75% of dopers attracted to women would find you physically (and/or otherwise) unattractive if they saw/knew you.
I look for pictures of you if I think or know you’ve been at a particular dopefest. You are one of more than a dozen people for whom this is true. I imagine I will comb pics of Holidope (too nervous to go, of course:)) when they come out.
This line of yours makes me wonder if you are attempting to trivialize your words and as such drive anyone attempting to get a beat on how you work from what is important to you. I believe this is something that some people who are accustomed to having everything about them ridiculed do (the hard part about this theory is that I don’t have anything to base it on). I do it more than is really comfortable for me, but so far I have lived and I have not gone completely insane in at least three years. I think.
It is hard for anything to render me speechless. Pit threads about child abuse do not shock me, and the most lurid/graphic tale of rape, I don’t think, could do so either (as of yet they have not). I have been almost entirely desensitised to horror/pain/other things of that ilk.
I am embarassed by myself more than I’d like to acknowledge.
I am proud of my post count.
When I’m online, I appear to be controlled, in charge, flirty. When offline, I’m scared to death.
A friend of mine said some very harsh things about me several years, and I had held them against him for a very long time. I went from being in love with him, to crying when I heard his name. I never told him how much he hurt me, I kept it all inside. Yesterday I sent him an email telling him how his actions affected me-I’m scared to death of how he will react.
**Airman Doors ** recently kept some details about his life from me, which he has every right to do, because we’re just good friends. When I found out, I felt extremely rejected. Not because he found happiness with someone else, but because he kept it from me. I’m going to miss him a lot when he leaves for training this month.
I would be really happy if I could find a real relationship, not just a fling. Flings always hurt in that when they’re over, I’m alone again.
I need ice cream. I’m depressed now.
I wonder if anybody knows me… I feel like I know some of you so well, from reading a lot and lurking.
I wonder if I’ll ever attend a Dopefest. I wonder who I should choose between ** Anthracite** and ** OpalCat** to have a crush on. I can’t decide.
I realise I should be more forward, but I keep telling myself “As if they want to know about you ! Duh”
I also realise I feel crippled without being able to use smilies. How do I convey a certain tone if I can’t add a smilie in. Maybe I should start a Smilies Anonymous thread. But would anybody respond ? Probably not, and then I’ll look like a fool. Why did I not resist the urge to post this drivel ?
I find myself shy online. I am much more open IRL. I find it strange, but I think I know why: No eye contact or body language online. It would seem I rely on these for communication a lot more than I thought.
I also am another one of these posters who wonder if anyone reads my posts.
This thread has gotten me down. Too many negatives, and not enough positives. Maybe it is because I am feeling low tonight, I am not sure why. I work Midnights and I hate it, even though I ask to work them. I am a paramedic/911 dispatcher, but I am getting bored with it, and the pay sucks where I live. I wish I had some direction in life. I should go to college, but I am sure I would be even more lost there.
On the positive side, I am almost out of debt. I met a cute girl, and I think she likes me. I have nice truck. I have a really good best friend. Luck has truly been on my side for the past few months, and I hope it continues. The SDMB eases my boredom at work.
On the straightforward line of thought: I think people on this board are too nit-picky at times. I think we worry to much about offending someone when we say something. The political correctness of the board gets comical at times, though maybe that is part of it’s attraction. It’s always fun to watch someone try to say what’s on their mind, without stepping on any toes.
Oddly enough, I feel much better now.
Plato? Aristotle? Socrates? Morons!
~And I know I wasn’t right, but it felt so good… -Better Than Ezra
I wonder why i never really feel happy, anymore, can still feel mad, feel sorrow, but not happy.
I need to lay off the soda, i just finished the last of the pepsi.
Has anyone else ever noticed that they get enough sleep, but not enough rest, i do not really feel tired, but i always have circles under my eyes, and never really feel good.
Here is a line i have been waitng forever to use: If God wants me to save my virginity for marriage, then maybe, He should get cracking, and help me find a husband, yeah?
Why is the dog the only one who is ever happy to see me?
i want to know why i feel like i am going to die young, and am still amazed that i am alive in the year 2001.
This is an excerpt from the letter I just wrote to my husband. Y is my daughter. It is true and this first really true thing I’ve written in a long time.
The main point to some of the posters is this. I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful baby, not any other MAJOR problems, and I still feel this way. Do not think your problems will disappear if someone loves you. It doesn’t work that way. They follow you.
“I am just totally distraught with myself, and despite you and Y, when I know I should be so grateful to have you both, I can’t appreciate it and enjoy it. I just hate myself. That is it, physically, socially, intellectually and every other way, I just do. It goes in phases, where I don’t feel too bad, but some times, like recently, it just hits me that I actually can’t remember the last time I felt “comfortable” completely outside of this cage I’m in.”
Some other honest statements:
I think I’ve hurt people in my life and wish I hadn’t.
I could live without my parents in my life.
I cry alone a lot. Not working is not as great as I thought it would be. I miss the daily grind.
I don’t feel ‘at home’ in any country.
I like the SDMB because I feel like it’s the first time for me that I am forced to stand back, watch and not be acknowledged for being a ‘good girl.’
A
I too like this thread, though I think it is less of a game and more of a fascinating way to see inside the minds of other Dopers here. I like that.
I miss the old board I used to frequent, because I knew so many people there. I had met many of them. I met the man I love there. It was … comfortable. I am uncomfortable here. There are so many people here and I know it is impossible for me to integrate in this society like I did in the last. I stay because this is the most engaging online reading I have ever found. I do not think I will pay to post myself, though I will be sponsoring someone else to post, I hope. I would like to continue to read without feeling that I have not contributed anything to the company.
I do not like to eat chocolate. Chocolate is tasty but it gives me indigestion. It is uncomfortable like period cramps are uncomfortable.
I am mad at my grandmother. Seethingly lividly mad. She has cancer and will not allow an operation because her mother died 6 months after her own cancer operation. I just found this out earlier today … er … yesterday technically, but I haven’t slept yet so to me it is still ‘today’. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about it because nobody in my life is available on Thursday nights or early Friday mornings. She is going to die and it will probably be very painful and I do not think I can handle that. When I told her on the phone, “I realise this is a hard situation for you so I will not argue with you about your choice; I am willing to support you in whatever you choose to do and I love you,” ninety percent of that was a lie. I wanted to yell at her and ask her how she can do this to the people who love her. I do not want to go see her for Christmas because I would rather remember her as the feisty and energetic, healthy, vivid woman than as a cancer-ridden frail creature. I do not want to see or hear her pain. She is the only family member I really ever felt close to and I hope that she dies before I move to Australia. I hope that only because once I move to Australia I will be poor and unable to afford the plane fare to see her. At all. And I don’t want her to die thinking that her oldest grandchild doesn’t give a damn. I do. But it hurts. And I can’t give a damn to her face right -now-.
I’m really mad about this and I don’t know how to handle it.
I am crying now. But it feels good to have said this. I would have preferred to say this all to someone who knows me but there isn’t anyone at this moment I could talk to who would not grouse at me for waking them up and I don’t need to be groused at right now. Thank you, jarbabyj, for starting this thread so I could get that off my chest. Really, I mean that too.
I don’t know how to end this post. I could probably ramble for hours yet still be totally straightforward.
I am afraid of dopefests because I don’t drink and I don’t do debauchery and I always feel uncomfortable as if I am coming off as a tight-ass. Maybe I am but I don’t think so; I think I am easy-going but more naive and innocent than most people my age and that makes me nervous. It is at least 50% of the reason I am not going to the HoosierDope. The rest is comprised of the fact that I actually don’t have the day off of work like I thought, that it is the last weekend before Christmas Hell begins at work, and that I am still poor from buying plane tickets to Australia.
I wish it were January so I could get there already.
I would like to take a ferry ride with TLD and reprise and talk Australian politics with them. I think. I think this rather than know this because I do not know if I can carry on such a serious conversation with people who have swoonworthy Australian accents.
I think this is the first post ever, in my entire life of posting to message boards, that has not included a smilie. I do not know if I like it.
I am going to stop now.
Okay, here’s me being honest:
I think it totally and completely blows that it’s REMARKABLE that people are being HONEST with each other, and even more pathetic that they need a SEPERATE THREAD for it.
And now, some happy minor truths to balance the brow-beating and embarassment:
Were I not married, there are three people on this board for whom I would make an ass of myself, trying to get them to notice me. This is a happy minor truth, because it totally doesn’t kill me that I can’t.
And another:
99/100 people on here intimidate the living hell out of me.
I’m finding it interesting how many people in this thread are intimidated or feel “outclassed” by other Dopers. At times I feel the same way, especially when I see a thread I’ve started slide away without much response. I wonder if my thoughts are believed to be too uninteresting by the more intelligent dopers. Maybe so-I have no way of determining this.
On the other hand, I feel very good that I have had the opportunity to “meet” so many interesting, exppressive people. This message board has been very useful in getting news over the last few months as well. It’s nice to know you people.
I do not have time this morning to write a proper reply, but I wish to say that the concern and compliments I have received in this thread are truly flattering and have gone a long way toward brightening my mood. Thank you.
I think something else that allows me to enjoy this site and DopeFests is a fair amount of obliviousness on my part. It’s not that I don’t care, more that I just don’t pay attention to things. IRL I do this too, which, I think, explains why I never catch anyone’s name: I’m just letting conversations flow over me. Another thing I dislike about this is that, when I travel, I often will recall exactly where I was and what I was doing, but to tell you the name of the place…I’d be at a total loss. E.g., I went hiking around Lake Tahoe one summer with a buddy of mine from the Marines. It was beautiful and a terrific hike. We went by two smaller lakes along the E-NE side and for the life of me, I haven’t a clue as to their name. Again, it’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I think I was simply enjoying the moment and that is it.
How this transfers over to the world of the SDMB is that, often, I will “know” that certain Dopers don’t get along, have certain likes/dislikes or some other personal information, that is, I’ve read that information, I have reasonable reading comprehension and I’m fairly intelligent, so the information has been processed at one point, but when I see them or talk to them, it’s as though I’d never heard this [sub](whew, almost said it’s like tabula rasa)[/sub] but then when it comes out, I instantly recall having heard/read the information before. Wow, that’s one long sentence.
There are, of course, exceptions. There are a few Dopers who, IRL, mean a very lot to me and I’ve made the effort (realizing that I have to consciously do so) to remember things about them. The long-distance, I think, is a great hindrance to…well…it seems I’ve spun out there and can’t think of a proper way to finish that sentence.
I’ve noticed that I’m very particular about my punctuation. In a given sentence, this one, for instance, I might have quite a few commas. I’m pretty sure I’m using them correctly, yet it seems as though there are more of them than there should be. I’ve also noticed that I tend to use the ellipse an awful lot when I write. I attribute this to the fact that I write in the same manner that I speak.
I am hoping everyone that is travelling for the upcoming holiday has a safe and pleasant time.
P.s., tevya, you did just fine at OhDope and it was very nice to meet you (even if you were quite busy wrestling crocs!)
I had a really good time last night with some classmates. One of them brought a friend, who had really weird hair. I can’t really describe it, but it certainly made me want to laugh. I just now laughed thinking about it.
I’m enjoying this thread more and more. I think it’s mainly because it’s smilie free. I REALLY hate that grin smilie. People use it to laugh at their own jokes or comments. I can’t take myself that seriously.