What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it jumps out of a tree onto you?
A pool table
How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed? The ceiling is very close. (sorry, I don’t know how to do a spoiler box)
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
What’s green and noisy and very dangerous?
A thundering herd of pickles.
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
Fo’ drizzle.
Q. What do you call a female pig?
A. A sow.
Q. What do you call a male deer?
A. A buck.
Q. What do you call 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?
A. A hundred sows and bucks.
We would also have accepted “Because your nose can touch the ceiling” as a punchline. 
According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
Funf.
Due to technical difficulties, The Invisible Man will not be seen tonight.
Did you hear about the Cuban lizard that sings Jewish folk songs?
It’s called the Havana Gila.
Two snowmen were sitting on a hill. One turns to the other and says, “Do you smell carrots?”
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “How do you drive this thing?”
Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says, “Is it getting hot in here?” and the other says, “Oh My God, a talking muffin!”
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What’s grey and comes in quarts? An elephant.
How do elephants hide in strawberry patches? They paint their toenails red. Oh, you’ve never seen an elephant hiding in a strawberry patch? That proves it works.
How do you know if you have elephants in your refrigerator? Look for footprints in the butter.
I don’t get this one.
I thought it was “can kill you if it falls out of a tree”.
A bear and a rabbit are walking together in the forest. They both need to go potty, so they stop. The bear asks the rabbit if he has a problem with shit sticking to his fur.
The rabbit replies, “No”.
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
L&M was a cigarette brand.
A man goes to join an order of monks.
The head Monk says to the man “This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years.”
The man says “Ok” and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man “It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?”.
The man responds, “The porridge could do with a little more salt.” The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says “Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?”.
“I could use a new blanket, mine’s a bit thin.” Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks “15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?”.
“Well actually I’ve been thinking about it and I’m leaving the order. It’s not really for me.” says the man.
“Yes, yes” sighs the head monk “I think that’s for the best. You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Another version I prefer: Why are elephants big, grey, and wrinkled? Because if they were small, white, and smooth, they’d be aspirin.
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks.
A duck walks into a pharmacy, and says, “Gimmie some Chapstick, and put it on my bill.”
This one is better if you say it out loud and do the noises.
A chicken walks into a library, walks up to the librarian, and says, “Book.” So the librarian gives it a book, and it tucks the book under its wing and walks out.
The next day, the chicken comes back to the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, “Book, book.” So the librarian gives it two books, and it tucks the books under its wing and walks out.
The next day, the chicken comes back to the library again, walks up to the librarian, and says, “Book, book, book.” So the librarian gives it three books, and it tucks the books under its wing and walks out. But this time, the librarian thinks, “I’m going to follow that chicken and see what’s going on.”
So the librarian follows the chicken, out the door, down the street, around the corner, into the park, up a hill, down the other side, to a big pond. The chicken walks up to the edge of the pond, up to a frog sitting on a log in the water. The chicken shows the books to the frog, who shakes his head and says, “Read it. Read it. Read it.”
I have a confession: I never learned the entire Alphabet. I don’t know why.
It still is.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
An ambulance, due to the fact that he has a rather serious head wound.