Anyone remember this thread?
What’s the difference between a duck?
One of its legs are both the same.
My above post is in the wrong thread. Please ignore. It is not a joke and not funny at all.
Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping yesterday?
They woke him up.
Q What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
A Dung!
Two birds stood on a perch. One asked the other, “Do you smell fish?”
Q What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog?
A The man wears a 3-piece suit. The dog, just pants.
Q 2 flies were on a toilet seat. One left. Why?
A It got pissed off!
(I’m prepping to be a hit at the kids’ table over the holidays!)
Do you walk to school or just carry your lunch?
Catholic school add on joke, after doing the newspaper version:
What’s black and white and read all over and doesn’t fit through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.
Why does a chicken?
I don’t know why.
Cottleston, cottleston, cottleston pie.
What’s black, white and yellow, black, white and yellow? A bus full of nuns going over a cliff.
My favorite of this year:
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
My favorite of this thread:
One I just made up:
What’s the difference between Bob Ross and Red Skelton?
Bob Ross painted happy little clouds and Red Skelton painted unhappy little clowns.
Ok, yeah, that may need a little work.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the lens-grinding machine?
He made a spectacle of himself.
As a non-sequitur, it’s hilarious!
A man walks into a bar…
CLANG
A priest, a rabbi and a bishop walk into a bar.
The bartender says “What is this, some kind of joke?”
My favorite elephant joke:
What’s red and white on the outside and gray on the inside?
A can of Campbell’s Elephant Soup.
My favorite knock knock joke:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting C–
MOO!
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says “You know, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper replies “That’s nice, but why would anyone want to name a drink Bob?”
(I’ve got another one but it’s quite long…you have been warned.)
A duck walks into a bar, asks the bartender “Got any grapes?” The bartender says no; the duck walks out.
The duck walks in again the next night: “Got any grapes?” The answer is again a no; the duck walks out.
Next night, the same deal: “Got any grapes?” No, says the bartender; the duck walks out.
Same thing next night, “Got any grapes?” This time the bartender gets mad and says “Look, duck, I’ve told you for three nights running that we don’t serve grapes here! The next time you come in here and ask me that, I’m gonna nail your beak to the floor.” Duck walks out…
Duck walks back in the very next night.
“Got any nails?”
“No…”
“Got any grapes?”
Two carrots were walking along a busy highway and decided to go to the other side.
The 1st carrot looked both ways and ran across the road, just barely reaching the other side without being hit by a passing car.
The 2nd carrot looks both ways, then runs across the road. Half way across he is hit by a truck.
The 1st carrot runs to a nearby phone booth(it’s an old joke) and calls an ambulance.
The ambulance arrives and transports the injured carrot and his companion to the hospital.
The 1st carrot is in the waiting room for hours while his friend is in surgery. Finally, the doctor comes out and tells the 1st carrot ‘I have good news and bad news’.
The good news is, your friend will live. The bad news is……he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
(Heard this at a funeral and at the time, seemed like the funniest joke ever.)
The job of bell ringer at Notre Dame opens up. A guy with no arms shows up to apply. The priest asks him how he’s going to ring the bell. He asks to be taken up in the bell tower. He stands back, gets a running start and blam, slams his face into the bell.
But the bell swings back and knocks him out of the tower to his death. The priest is asked if he knows the guy’s name. “No, but his face rings a bell.”
The next day the guy’s brother shows up for the job, also armless. He also goes up the tower, runs at the bell, blam, gets knocked out of the tower, dies. Again the priest is asked if he knows the guy’s name. “No, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
(There are much longer version of this, I prefer to keep it as short as possible.)
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got short legs.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey!
Two chickpeas are walking down the street when one chickpea starts to vomit.
The other chickpea asks, “Are you okay?” and the chickpea answers,
“No, I falafel!”
What does the band Modest Mouse like to have with their burger and fries?
Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake