I win!
“Is that a leg?”*
One from real life: my husband may be the only man to call me by his ex-wife’s name during the act and live to tell the tale. I thought it was hilarious. He was mortified. Hey, there wasn’t much blood left in his brain at that moment. 
*Please please please tell me I’m not the only old fogey here to remember where that came from!
“Happy birthday, Grandma!”
(Borrowed that one from the Questionable Content webcomic.)
"Oh, uh, this? This thing here is a stoma. Go ahead, give it a poke. "
That looks like a vagina only larger…arger…arger…arger
I always say that part before sex starts, not during.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure I prefer women.
You think you’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk out of this dark forest alone!
And the classic, “Is it in, yet?”
That’ll do, pig.
Can you make change from a $50?
“Hmm. I guess I wasn’t supposed to take it on a full stomach.”. 
I notice you reference that marriage in the past tense 
The mundane talk joke my ex and I had (never said in seriousness) was naming a color and after a pause clarifying that we should repaint in that color.
no, you’re not
Sorry for the double post, But I had to go look that up…
(you’re welcome)
After we finish, you want to watch some Dexter?
Does this look infectious to you?
Careful, I have a boil on my scrotum.
Woo! I am masturbating like a motherfuck!
Geez, Mom, you taste like an ashtray!