I have always–ALWAYS–eaten the crusts of bread, yet my hair is NOT curly, not wavy, just oily.
I have never found potatoes (or beans) in my ears.
My wife must be sterile. She’s eaten far too many watermelon seeds for there to be any other explanation. 
I used to tell my kids that “Have fun storming the castle!” was an ancient viking way to say goodbye, and that I was celebrating our viking heritage when I said it to them as they left for school.
Sort of along the same lines, the Cub was complaining one day about how they had to have a long line-up for nearly everything in his Grade 2 classroom.
I told him to say to the teacher: “What, will the line stretch out to the crack of doom?”
Then to tell the teacher when she questioned him, “But it’s Shakespeare!” (Macbeth, Act 4, Scene 1)
He did it with some delight a few times, and came home reporting that his teacher was puzzled by him.
Just send him in with a note copping to you idolizing Calvin’s Dad. She’ll understand then.
Wait a second.
There’s something we all just skipped over: What kind of parent lets their kid have a red lightsaber?
We know how it will end.
DETECTIVE “So, what’s going on here? You want to hold the kid for murdering his own parents?”
OFFICER “I think you should see this. Under the Christmas tree next to the sweater.”
DETECTIVE “Hmmm. A ‘Star Wars Darth Vader red lighsaber’ box. It does jibe with the crime scene. Sith can be highly dynastic. The youngling probably snuck up on them while they were asleep to steal their force energy.”
OFFICER “And look in the kids bedroom. It’s full of Nazi memorabilia.”
DETECTIVE “What do ya expect in a household like this? Smurfs?”
OFFICER “No, but notice how tidily it’s all put away.”
DETECTIVE “Then his training… is complete.”
Mrs Piper was walking into the kitchen; tripped over a double-bladed red light-sabre (à la Darth Maul). Went down, heavily.
“Cub!” I called. “Mom just tripped over your light sabre!”
Cub came running, a look of concern on his face.
“Is it okay?” he asked.
:smack:
[Lengthy trial proceedings followed, in which the Cub advanced the defence that he had left it in the dining room, but evil Sith-Piper-Cat2 had Force-transferred it to the hallway leading to the kitchen. Mrs Piper and I remained sceptical Sith-Piper-Cat2 has such abilities, although there was general consensus that Sith-Piper-Cat2 is indeed evil. Court adjourned without verdict, due to inconclusive evidence, but with a strict admonition to the Sith-Lord-Cub to continue picking up his evil apparatuses.]
Calvin (after Dad explains their Xmas decorating): IF I get A present?
And thus slowly, ever so slowly but inexorably, does the Sith Lord’s training continue. Now he controls the cat a bit, and the parents a bit more. They now do his bidding uncertainly, but also unwittingly. Good. Very Good.
Soon the domination will be complete and the grand plan of generations may enter it’s next phase.
I am proud of you, young Cub.
TV Tropes has that covered.
“Sorting Legos is their break.”
My brother and I were turning up our noses at mom’s homemade vegetable beef soup, poking at the fat globules floating on top. “What’s this stuff?”
“Protein,” she told us.
I used to be a substitute teacher. I asked one boy if he needed a pencil. “No,” he said as he took one out of his desk. Then he burst into loud sobs.
Turns out his mom had told him that any number of dire things would happen if he ever dared say “No” to a teacher. So I had to explain the difference between defying a teacher and answering a question (correctly) in the negative.
I’m a store cashier. Even once in a while a parent will bring in a child who took something out of the store without paying to make them return it and apologize. I’ve worked out a routine where I call over the head cashier and ask if we should call the police. We do a little back and forth (“But taking things out of the store without paying is illegal.” " Yea, but the child could go to prison."), and decide not to call them.
No child has ever shoplifted twice.
Better that than: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-f1v74o_dvCs/UEYxOkLL3vI/AAAAAAAAENc/_J3eDjReS6c/s1600/1163799916.jpg
My dad is an amputee. When little kids would ask him what happened to his leg, he’d tell them “I didn’t clean my plate!”
When my twin sons were about 12, I found someone had been searching for porn on my computer. Not knowing which one of them (or maybe one of their friends) was responsible, I settled for telling both of them not to let it happen again and added, “Anyway, there’s no good free porn. You always have to have a credit card.”
Had it gone differently that might have been an expensive mistake on your part. They’d have had no clue how hard all those subscriptions would be for you to cancel once you found out.
Still, it was a stroke of genius.
Did they swipe one of your credit cards?
Vasectomy.
Best $400.00 I ever spent.
I have made many mistakes, but that was not one of them.
Nope. When my kids were living at home I kept my credit cards as secure as a responsible gun owner keeps their guns.