Jesus! I’ve had drug trips that were less weird than that.
I don’t have kids, but there are few things I cannot imagine myself saying. I’ve already said things like “No, you do not have a pork chop in your pants, that’s just the lemon.” Of course, maybe that has something to do with the aforementioned drug trips.
This is hilarious. Thanks for starting it, Unauthorized Cinnamon.
No kids, but nieces, nephews and godchildren.
My favorite: “[Godson], please put the battery back in the pig!” Godson was 2 1/2 and already adept at anything to do with electronics. He’d gotten a little electric pig for Christmas and was having fun taking the batteries out, then putting them back in and watching the pig walk for a bit.
We still laugh about my sister, having taken to heart a parenting-advice book about not saying “No” too often to your child, telling her grabby toddler in frustration, "Valerie, please… touch something else!"
Don’t stick any more noodles in your butt, son!
New one, just 12 seconds ago:
“You have a scarf made of toilet paper?”
(In response to her demanding, “What’s different about me?” after emerging from the bathroom. I was wrong - it was a necklace.)
“No, you will not pee on your sister’s head.”
The day I first uttered a sentence very much like that was the day I knew I had gone insane.
It only gets worse. I recently watched the episode in which Igglepiggle showed Makka Pakka his tiddle. That was all kinds of weird.
A common threat made to my nephew when he was very little: “If you don’t stop that right now I WILL rip your lips off,” said in a funny drill sergeant kind of voice. He’d pucker his lips out, I’d go to grab them and he’d run away giggling. At least it got him to stop whatever he was doing and make getting corrected kind of fun.