“Just drink it. Don’t paint your face with it.”
--My wife said this to our little girl, who had found other uses for her glass of egg nog. I think it's funnier out of context.
“Going to the bar and having a few beers before court would be a bad idea.”
--A friend of mine (we're both Public Defenders) said this to his clients who was about to plead to a DUI.
Others?
No smoking in the hospital.
If you must pay by check, have the checkbook out and fill in in the date, payable to, and signature while the cashier is ringing up the items!
It’s common sense!!!
Can’t you see I’m walkin’ here?!?
Actually, if he’s going to plead guilty, you’d think it would help…
Said to my 12-year-old son after he drops his third glass in three days:
“Can we have a little less breaking of my stuff around here?”
It amazes me that in various places I’ve worked, people over the age of 15 have to be told not to eat other peoples’ food.
When I’m at work, wearing my freaking ugly apron, and doing something that is obviously work-related such as cutting fabric or explaining the merits of different curtain rod types to a customer:
“Excuse me, I’m already busy helping a customer. As soon as I’m available, I’ll be happy to help you.”
This usually starts with the customer pretending to have a “quick question” (like “do you sell thread?”) so that, once they’ve got my attention, they can monopolize me away from the obviously less important customer I’m already assisting. Jerks. :mad:
Your hair is on fire.
No, I won’t kiss you, so take your $20 back!
Hi, :Dpal
You’d think so, wouldn’t you. But no.
Empty packet into bowl
Add up to 1/2 cup boiling water; stir.
My favorite: “Don’t point that thing at me, or anyone else!” You don’t know how many times I have to tell people that. 'Specially the young ones.
Tripler
Wait a minnit - should I be picking up on something?
If the elevator call button is already lit up, punching it again and again won’t make the elevator come any faster.
“Are you planning on talking through the entire movie?”
“Please face in the direction in which you are walking”
This is something you have to tell a child almost constantly until, oh, age 9 or so!
Yes, I would like a bag. If I am having trouble carrying things to the counter, I am probably also going to have touble carrying those same things to the car. AND, probably to the office when I get there (especially since I also carry a brief case and a laptop. Granted, you probably don’t know that, but…)
My absolute favorite:
Contained in the instructions for any small vanity appliance (curling iron, hair dryer, etc.)…
“Do not use while sleeping”
I am not kidding.
To my Wifes stepfather
“Don’t smoke dope in front of my 8 year old.”
A sign at one of the school buildings I work in: “Please do not disconnect the file server.”
“Do NOT throw the cat at your brother!”
…I love my kids…I love my kids…I love my kids…