“Never going to class could, in fact, affect your chances of passing the course.”
“Quit hitting your brother in the head with a SHEEP!”
ah, the joys of parenthood…
“If that wet diaper is uncomfortable, you really need to hold still for more than 2 seconds, and let me remove it.”
(A bit unfair, considering the age of the person I’m dealing with. But she’s so damn sharp the rest of the time that it’s a bit disorienting when she does act like a 2 year old.)
Not for use in the eye. (on a package of hard (think crayons) rectal suppositories)
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Not for human consumption (on cat litter bags).
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Warning: Coffee may be HOT!
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Your grade for this course is additive, not subtractive. This means that you begin with 0 points and earn points by active participation and successful completion of assignments. In other words, you earn your grade. (In a subtractive model, you would start with 100 points and the instructor would “take them away” as you failed to perform.)
Yes! it’s from my boilerplate syllabus statement! (About the grade, not about the coffee and cat litter
Please have your fare ready when the bus reaches your stop. No one appreciates the wait while you explore the contents of each and every compartment of your jeans, jacket, backback and/or purse.
1.) “You’re cut off. You just fell asleep on the bar, dude. YOU’RE CUT OFF.”
2.) “If you wanna go faster, PASS ME, ASSHOLE.”
3.) “Absolutely NO MEN in the women’s restroom.” (Seen at a local gay bar.)
4.) “Shoplifting is NOT A JOKE! We will prosecute!” (Paraphrase from the signs in the bathroom at Wal-Mart. What business does consider shoplifting a joke?)
5.) “People who steal magazines go to HELL.” (Seen at a local coffee shop. Doesn’t everyone know this already?)
6.) “Bring water to boil; add packet of cocoa and stir.”
7.) “Popcorn WILL BE HOT! Please use caution when handling bag.”
8.) “RISK OF DEATH BY ELECTRIC SHOCK! Do not use near water or sink.”
9.) “Do Not Eat.” (Label on silica gel, in box containing new shoes. I just wanna know, WHO KEEPS EATING THAT CRAP?)
10.) “Cigarette smoke contains carbon monoxide.”
11.) “Not For Human Consumption.” (Label on dog food. Again, WHO WOULD?)
My cousin. It’s a long story.
Guests seem to feel the need to make sure I know where the shoot button is on their camera - INCLUDING THE DISPOSABLES where there are ONLY TWO BUTTONS, one for flash and one for shoot. Granted there are some very hi tech cameras out there, but for the most part I think I can find the button.
Also, guests at the theme park tend to decide the ropes being up doesn’t necessarily mean for ME to stay out.
Ugh, I hate having to answer this one question “Do you work here?”
No, asshole, I just go around to random Home Depots dressed in a bright orange fucking apron and a bright orange baseball cap. Seriously… I can imagine people at like - Disney Land walking around in an air-conditioned Mickey suit and some fucktard tourist coming up to them… “hey buddy, you work here? Where’s the john?”
“not for use in mouth” (on a chinese made chainsaw)
b.
Are you my cousin? Because both of my older sisters have eaten dry dog food at one point.
My contribution:
No, you cannot put the cat in the toilet.
>9.) “Do Not Eat.” (Label on silica gel, in box containing new >shoes. I just wanna know, WHO KEEPS EATING THAT CRAP?)
You’d be surprised. I have a friend who works at our State poison center. She says that she gets a call at least 2 to 3 times per week from various people (mostly worried parents) who has eaten/swallowed silica. It’s not poison, just a choking hazzard, btw.
Turn off your annoying cell phone with the annoying Uncle Cracker ring tone while I’m trying to watch LOTR:TTT!!!
“Microwave on High for 8 to 10 minutes. Let stand for 1 minute before removing from oven. CAUTION: Food will be hot.”
Are people putting things in the microwave and not expecting them to get hot? And if so, what reason do they have for putting them in?
People scare me sometimes.
I’m an honest businessman who has been blessed with the friendship and gratitude of many, many people. And you should think over my offer.
Do not take a six-month old child to a three hour movie.
Honestly, those people who don’t even bother to look for their money or their checkbook until about the third time the clerk tells them the amount. Ugh. Hey, you think it’s suddenly going to be free? Were you surprised that it cost money? Just what the heck is the deal? Write that f-ing check already!
Whoever said that you stop telling people to look in the direction of travel at the age of 9 has not visited a public park, theme park or festival. “Hello. Why, yes I am standing here. No, you may not walk through me. I assure you that I am a solid object. No, I was not moving, I was just standing here. You did, in fact, walk into me. No, I’m not an a-hole just for pointing that out…”
Have your transaction ready before you pull up to the bank drive-thru. I invariably wind up behind folks that sit in line for 15 minutes (like me) and then when they get to the whoosh machine (sorry) they start puliing out checkbooks, searching through purses and just basically taking their sweetass time. What’s so wrong with doing all this while you’re just sitting there if you’re not already prepared. There are signs everywhere requesting/SUGGESTING to do this. It seems rather obvious to me why this a good idea but NNOOOOOO you’re not going to tell them what to do! It’s their time now. They had to wait just like everybody else and it’s their time. They can do what they want!!!I must avoid bank drive thrus in the future. End of rant.
Warning: Keep out of children
(on some overseas-made kitchen knife)