I love this joke, and am stealing it for future use. Do you mind?
Thanks. 
I wish I could take credit for it, but a 5-year-old girl told me that joke.
What would happen if there were no more tics?
All the world’s clocks would go “tock, tock, tock!”
Crap–that’s supposed to be ticks.
How can you fit four elephants in a Fiat Uno car?
Two in the front seats, two in the back seat.
Who is going to drive it?
The elephant with the driving licence.
How can you tell the elephants went to your place and hid in your house?
There is a Fiat Uno car in your driveway.
How can you tell one of the elephants hid in the fridge?
By the footprints in the pudding.
How can you tell two of the elephants are in your bedroom having wild sex?
They stole a few bin liners to use as condoms.
Hey, the title did say dumb jokes, right?
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a competition: each of them is going to throw down their watch from the top of a tall tower, and try to reach the bottom and catch their watch before it smashes on the pavement.
The Frenchman is the first one. He throws his watch over, scrambles down the stairs but doesn’t make it.
The Englishman is the second. He throws his watch over and gets the lift to get down faster, but can’t make it.
The Italian throws the watch over, strolls down the stairs leisurely, taking time to go to the restroom, arrives at the bottom, waits for about twenty minutes and then nonchalantly catches the watch as it falls.
The Frenchman and the Englishman are surprised and amazed and asked him how he did it. he answers:
I put my watch back one hour before throwing it!
Apologies to French and English people everywhere…
Donald Rumsfeld is briefing Dubya on the days events in Iraq. He says “Mr. president, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed today.”
Bush looks stunned and puts his in his hands. He is silent for several moments and then says “That’s terrible. How many is a brazillion?”
Two cows are standing in a field in Yorkshire. The first turns to the second and goes “Hey, are you concerned about this mad cow thing?”
The second goes “No.”
The first cow looks puzzled and asks “Why’s that?”
The second cow grins “Because I’m a chicken.”
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, “THAT’S
IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two
hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.”
So Satan and Jesus sat down at their keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld… Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back
on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically, screaming:" It’s gone! It’s all GONE! I lost everything
when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out
all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this
and became irate. “WAIT!!!” he screamed. “That’s not fair! He
cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?” God just
shrugged and said,
“Jesus Saves”
This is the oldest dumb joke I know. From my grandfather’s childhood, circa 1890s
Little girl and little boy are bored. Little girl says “let’s do something dirty” and winks at little boy.
Little boy says, “okay, let’s go shit in the churn!”
I dont get it.
Anyhoo… How do you get two whales in a mini?
Take the M4 and cross the Severn Bridge.
I’m not sure if these are real jokes or if my friends just made them up, but I remember them from when I was 5 or 6 years old.
Q. Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A. The horse fell into the mud
Q. Wanna hear a clean joke?
A. The horse took a shower
Yep, I thought these were pretty funny as a kid.
A lady goes on a trip, and she brings her treasured kitty cat with her. On the plane, she’s seated by a large businessman who, as soon as the seatbelt sign goes off, lights up a giant cigar. The smoke goes everywhere, and from under the ladies seat comes a choking, hacking noise as the cat wheezes and coughs. “Excuse me,” the lady says to the man next to her, “could you please put that out, it’s making my cat sick!” “Nuts to your cat!” he replies, and continues puffing away. She’s distraught, but gamely tries to wave the smoke away from the cat carrier. The hacking gets louder and juicier and tears spring to her eyes in sympathy for her beleaguered pet. She taps on his arm and says “Please, sir, my poor little kitty is getting so ill from the smoke, please put it out!” The businessman takes a giant hit off the cigar and blows it right into the cat carrier, setting off a veritable typhoon of wheezes and hacks, which so enrages the little old lady that she grabs the cigar out of his mouth, opens the window, and throws out the cigar. “You bitch, I’ll show you!” he yells, grabs the cat from the carrier and throws it out the window too! “Oh my Og,” she screams, “my poor kitty, he’ll die!” and stares in horror out the window. To her great suprise, she sees the cat gamely hanging on to the wing, and can you guess what was in its mouth?
No, the brick! :smack:
I’ve been lurking for like five years on this board, and for THIS I come out of hiding… sheesh… :wally
Okay, that one I don’t get. Is that the fabled British humor in action?
Wales is just next door to England. Go up the M4 motorway and cross the bridge. Pretty good really
And the Severn is a river that marks the border between England and Wales.
Aha. So I’m geographically ignorant rather than insufficiently sophisticated.
I can live with that. 