In fact who does? What shows this? That many women have come in to say, no, we do like guys, we just don’t like guys who display the Nice Guy psychosis that leads them to believe the things they do? Because Polarius says so? Because you understand what women want so much? Do tell, I’m dying to hear it.
Do you mean that literally every female human being on the planet likes “bad boys” but lies about it? Because it seems to me, as a woman who knows many women, that different women like different things and that a woman might say “I don’t like X” and another woman might actually like X and that this would not make either of them hypocrites. Women are not a monolithic group.
Note also that the term “bad boy” might be applied to a man who is in fact perfectly nice but owns a motorcycle and has a tattoo. Certainly some women are attracted to that type, although others are not. If you are using “bad boy” as a synonym for “jerk” then I have to say again that every adult woman I’ve known who habitually dated jerks had serious problems. We’re talking “My daddy beat me” type problems. And not even every woman I’ve known who came from an abusive family was drawn to men who treated her badly, it’s only some of them.
I would think all of the anecdotes about women dating “Nice Guys” would show that they can be attracted to guys who initially seem nice but who are eventually revealed as “Nice.”
And yeah, someone saying roughly “I do everything right. Why am I not getting laid?” has an entitlement problem.
You know, for someone who will take women’s word regarding the inner life of certain men, you have a surprisingly high standard of evidence when it comes to the claims of other people.
Here’s the thing: When confronted with “women like bad boys”, most women will swear to high heaven that it’s not true. Meanwhile, in the real world, a Hells Angels jacket is a free ticket to all the pussy your balls can cope with. You know it, too.
No. There are exceptions to every rule, except this one.
So, we women who didn’t date or marry bad boys are what, exceptions? Lying? Deluded?
Sure, a Hell’s Angels jacket might score with some women, but that doesn’t mean it scores with many, most, or all. Just some. Apparently most “Nice Guys” want to date that subset of women, but that ain’t my fault or my problem and doesn’t make me or women like me into anomalies.
I take their word for it because I have experienced it, I have discussed these situations with other women, I have seen it from friends and ex-boyfriends and guys I have not been interested in. What you claim, however, basically flies in the face of all the things many women have said here. And you make unsubstantiated generalizations.
This is fucking ridiculous in so many ways. I see now that there is no point trying to argue the experiences of all the women here, because to you a women is just looking to get her pussy banged by some guy in a hells angels jacket.
I won’t say what I’d like to say about you because we’re in the wrong forum.
You have interpreted what men have said to mean that they feel entitled to sex, they have not actually said it. Right? And yet you blow up at me, who see actual behaviour by the people I’m talking about.
There are others.
Sorry, you’re not worth it.
Don’t apologize. I have no desire to go to the Pit over this. Just didn’t feel you should have to restrain yourself.
I don’t either, I honestly don’t have any ill-will towards you. I just resent the things you have said about women, generalizing the desires of an entire gender when I haven’t even done that. I’ve critiqued a mentality that pervades a certain type of men. Many of us have experienced this attitude, and most of us that have experienced it have agreed on many of the conclusions drawn from it. We resent that it’s being reversed and represented as a shortcoming on our side.
Not to get cliche, but it seems like there is a misunderstanding of “what women want” which contributes greatly to this. You have your ideas about what women want. Autolycus has his ideas. Women, and many happily married or taken men on the other hand, have extremely differing views on this same issue. Your Hells Angel idea is insulting. The fact that some people feel entitled to sex or a relationship is insulting.
Either way, I don’t spend my time associating with those people. But when they create threads like these which assert some very misinformed ideas about the desires of women under the thin veil of asking for help, it’s not surprising that a thread like this would result. A lot of advice and experience and lessons have been shared here.
Make of that what you will.
Please read more carefully. We are saying Nice Guys tend to have an sense of entitlement.
I don’t doubt there are plenty of women who go for the Harley jacket. That doesn’t mean all, or even a substantial portion. Just as Nice Guys are not a substantial portion of men. We are talking about a sub-set of men. Hello? Is this thing on?
No, it’s not.
Actually, no. Don’t have a clue, really. I read Autolycus’s posts about how he puts the happiness of his girlfriend ahead of his own and all I can think is “who wouldn’t love that in a partner?”, but the women in this thread seem to see it as a negative. I don’t get it, so I can only go by what I see, and I can’t stop seeing it because people tell me it’s not true.
And I’m saying they don’t. The “men” in the bit you quoted was in direct reference to the men ladyfoxfyre spoke of, not men in general.
Then I don’t think that you and the women in this thread are talking about the same kind of Nice Guy. We’re not talking about the kind of men who have responded to this thread. We’re not talking about a good man, a man who is kind and considerate and has a healthy sense of self and of his own boundaries. We’re talking about a guy who does what he does to an end, not because of his organic nature or sense of ethics. I would not treat my Beloved (barf, by the way, Auto. Sorry, but really. Barf.) with an exceptional level of generousity. Notably above and beyond what I would do for friends and family, or a cashier at Target, I mean. That is the crux, that and the reaction we have tended to get from that kind of man. Not every man. Not all men. Not many men. That kind of man. I know lots and lots of good men. Like my brother who, when buying his girlfriend her engagement ring, saw a pair of diamond earrings and thought “What the hell. I love her. And she’d love these,” and got them for her in addition to. Rather, the kind of man who, after maybe three dates sees a pair of diamond earrings and buys them for his object of desire because certainly then, she will be overcome with the tingly because of *this gesture *and be mine. My doing this will get her to do that. As opposed to, I want to do this for her. Her reaction or behavior afterwards, while nice, isn’t my motivation.
What we are talking about here is the kind of man who has an end to his kindness, an objective. And certainly a good man doesn’t see a woman as needing, requiring, lost without his saviour-hood. A good man knows a good woman when he sees her and vice versa.
I can go back and re-read the thread, but my impression is that you are trying to broaden this discussion of a very specific type of man to a critique of how women feel and behave in general. That is where you are going off the track. We aren’t talking about All Men, and we would appreciate it if you would not talk in terms of All Women.
And we’ve spent 6 pages trying to explain why we dislike this mentality. 300+ posts of explanation from women who dislike it. Because it’s more than just putting the happiness of his girlfriend ahead of his own, it’s “I am so nice, why don’t women like nice guys? Why do they all like jerks and assholes, here are some examples of how I am so nice, why isn’t it working?”
We have explained ad nauseum why these guys who think they are so “nice” are not actually nice guys. Explained why Nice Guys are really assholes who try to tell people how nice they are all the time to make up for the fact that they don’t do nice things. How they complain and whine and bemoan the “luck” of all the “jerks” who are getting “all the women”, when really they have an unhealthy perception of their own character traits, a misunderstanding of women, and a victim complex. Explained why it is an incorrect assumption based on self-selecting evidence that women want dangerous/bad/aggressive/dominant men. Showed through examples of many seemingly well-adjusted women who indeed do seek out good men, not “nice guys”.
We have tried to explain this because it does not benefit us to leave you in the dark on the topic. I have no reason to lie to you about the motives of most women. I’m not trying to throw you off track by telling you things that are untrue about my perception of this issue. I understand that it’s a hard thing to argue because it’s based on anecdotal evidence, but I am really trying my best.
I know that I’m not alone here either, and a thank you to the women who have come in to support my assertions. (Dangerosa, niblet_head, jsgoddess, Lamia, anu-la1979, accidentalyuppie and all the rest…
Ew. What planet do you live on? I suppose if the ‘women’ you’re trying to pick up are all 30-something leather-clad women who hang out in biker bars, you may have a point. If not… ew.
Imagine for a minute that your mother only wanted YOUR happiness in life. That in order to achieve this goal, she was willing to set aside her own happiness. She did this in various ways - she’d come over to make sure your laundry was done - and if it happened to be the night you were having the guys over to play poker or having your girlfriend over for nookie “don’t mind her, she won’t be in the way.” In keeping your happiness in mind, she buys gifts for you - buys you clothes you don’t like - then is hurt when you don’t wear them - “But I thought green was your favorite color…!” She has you over for dinner, so you don’t need to bother to cook - and if you have other plans “its not a big deal, I’m used to being alone…I was only cooking for you anyway, I barely eat anything.”
A lot of women who have dated guys who “only wanted their happiness” might as well have been dating a stereotypical Jewish mother. Its suffocating. And its a huge burden to have someone in your life who is made happy by making you happy.
And in every case I’ve encountered, too. Especially about the self-identifying nice guys being shitheads. A guy who says he’s a “nice guy” is usually not someone a woman would characterize as a “nice guy”, unless she’s trying to give a kind description. Another distinguishing characteristic of a “nice guy” is someone who is EXTREMELY focused on getting laid, tonight, by the most attractive female in range. He will primarily focus on a woman’s appearance, and if she isn’t at least a 9.5, he ain’t interested. Until he gets his beer goggles on, that is.
Unless a man can be friends with a woman (especially a woman he finds attractive), enjoy her company without expecting it to ever become a sexual relationship, he’s not a nice guy.
I never really found Woody Allen to be very funny. Not even in his heyday. I’ve always thought that he’d be rather nervewrecking to be around. I would want Red Green as my desert island companion. He might not be handsome, but he IS handy…and funny. And genuinely nice.
As for bad boys, I might drool over them, but I’d probably not get involved with one, if I were looking for a new relationship. The drooling is just a physical attraction. He’d have to have a lot more going for him than being a bad boy. And I wouldn’t want to get involved with someone who gets in trouble with the law, or regularly gets wasted, or is just plain a waste of oxygen.
OK, I’m going to post the real reason why I made this OP. I will try to describe what happened by sticking to to the facts as closely as I can.
A month ago, I met a girl. We were both in relationships, but we became friends and things clicked. We talked everyday on MSN for 3+ hours. Flirting escalated gradually, until eventually we were both single. While she was still dating her BF, we went on two dates, both of which went well. The day after our second, she broke up. At that time, she was uncomfortable dating me for various reasons. She didn’t feel it was right. Anyway, I still flirted with her but I was fine with waiting and being friends for a time, as I thought she needed time to be single. She had dated her then ex-BF for 5 years. Well, after a week of being single, she went back to her ex-BF. Now she is forbidden from speaking to me and the last conversation we had was a 3way online chat with her BF. It’s been a week since I’ve heard from her. Neither of us has attempted to contact each other, nor will we for a while most likely.
So, I made this post when I was in a lot of pain. Yes, it was my fault and I’m not blaming her or her BF for anything. I don’t regret what happened, but it still hurt… a lot. I still believe this girl and I had something special… and now it’s gone. I made this post because I felt angry at her ex-BF and mad at myself and, irrationally, women in general.
Look, I have a lot going for me, and I also have flaws. Just like everyone else. I really shouldn’t complain, as dating-wise things have gone pretty well for me. Three healthy relationships in three years and I’m still friends with all three. I can’t complain, and, while I do think some girls engage in unhealthy dating practices, so do many men, and IME all the things said about “nice guys” have been on the money.
What I am tired of is having my name dragged through the mud in this thread. I’ve been called passive-aggressive, whiny, immature, ignorant, and overly defensive. If sticking up for myself makes me some of those things, then tough. Look, I did act like a baby in this thread, but I’m not a “Nice Guy” nor do I feel entitled to sex. I do feel like I’m deserving of a nice relationship, but in the future I will do my best not to blame women or jerkish guys. I’ll just do my own thing and work on improving myself.
Besides, like others have said in the past, it’s fine for me to be single for a while. In conclusion, thanks everyone for all your help and advice.
Oh, and before I forget, when I said I put a girl’s happiness over my own, I was really talking about her, and I meant that no matter who she is with, my biggest desire is that she’s happy and fulfilled. If that’s emotional blackmail, well, then I have to disagree. I don’t say or act like this to just any girl.