Update on my love life mess... I left her, just found out she cheated

I’d love to link to my previous posts but I don’t feel that’s much required, so I’ll just give you a quick summary of my situation, with new info:

  • 27 year old boy (me!) meets 18 year old (girl!), very strong feelings, let’s call it love; This was about October 2006;
  • Stepfather of 18 year old girl is very protective and supposedly abusive, allegedly has tried to rape her when she was 11; He decides he likes me, then doesn’t like me, then likes me again…
  • The mother has always tried for us to be together, arranging for us to meet behind the stepdad’s back;
  • Some 3 months ago she left home to live with me, a stunt she tried to pull when we had just met, only now I let her… It wasn’t a “let’s live together” kind of thing, it was a “my stepdad beats us and I can’t go back home” kind of thing.
  • We live like a married couple, each other not really fulfilled, we both needed our own spaces, we communicated a lot at least.
  • She got pregnant. Told everyone. Then had an abortion. Her parents compared us to baby killers and her stepdad threatened to kill us too.
  • She would lie to me. She would meet boys and lie me about it, “I never did anything with him we’re just friends, I lied because I thought you would be upset if you found out, also because he has a girlfriend and I didn’t want her to know…”. She would go for a cup of coffe with friends at 10pm and return at 6 am… In a city where all the night clubs close at 2.

I told her I believed she hadn’t been unfaithful, but she had a lot of suspicious behaviours. Like getting calls from friends at 2am when she conveniently would go to great lengths to ensure I was in bed and far from her (I spotted that behaviour and called her on it, she of couse acused me of being… unable to trust her).

ANYWAY, during our last days together she agreed she wasn’t OK and did these sort of things she knew we’re wrong (specially the lying) and she didn’t know why she did them, she loved me and would do anything for us to be together including stopping with the suspicious behaviours. She was sorry, she wanted to be with me always.
Then she did it again. The mentioned-above friend had this french cousin in town only for the night and wanted her to meet him… badly. She didn’t want to go, but I could tell it was because it was because of me and not because she didn’t want it. I said “you want to go, go, it’s fine”… And she came back 14 hours later. Skipping, I might add, her job for the second straight day… The previous one she had been sick. With my heart torn, I asked for help from my sister to come and pack her stuff, I gave her 500€ and payed 2 months of a room in a town not far from where her parents lived. She told me she had gone to see her mother… it didn’t matter. I just didn’t trust her, and something had to be done. A friend drove her there, we hardly talked.

The very next day she’s at home with her mom, who’s accusing me of not driving her straight home. Well fuck you lady if she wanted to go home all she had to do was say it, and besides she had more than enough money to go home and back 100 times. Not to mention, since the aborption episode, you said in black and white she had died as far as you were concerned…

2 weeks later I meet with her. She says she still loves me more than anyone she ever met, and she didn’t understand why she did the things she did. But she never cheated on me. And she had gone to see her mother that day, all I had to do was ask. Well, I did ask, and yes the mother said she had slept there. Something’s Not Quite Right (SNQR) alarm #1… when she got home, she was extremely tired, she asked to sleep before being taken away. I asked her how she got to her parent’s house (50 km away), she said her friend Nuno drove her. WAIT, I talked to your friend (oh yeah, the friend with the french cousin, I phoned him at about 4 am to ask for my girlfriend, he said she had taken a taxi and gone downtown, no mention of anyone else) and he said you left in a taxi (SNQR alarm #2). “Yes, Nuno has no car, he took me by taxi”. What, 50km by taxi just because you wanted to see your mama? “Yes, he got me there then went home” (which is in my town).

I’ll just stop counting the alarms. At this point I don’t believe her, but since I do still love her my mind tends to forgive this things… I mean, so she lies, but she didn’t lie about not cheating because she loves me, right? Yes, I feel she hasn’t, she lies but she doesn’t cheat… and I love her. GOD DAMNIT stupid week brain. I am honest in telling her I don’t trust her, but I do still love her and want to keep seeing her… she tells me the her parents would completely tie all bounds with her if she started dating me again, but she is ready to turn her back on her entire family to be with me. “I REALLY don’t want that, I can’t have you back at my place, I still don’t trust you and need my space, and I seriously doubt we’ll be together as husband and wife someday. But I do love you still. I’ll also start dating other women, btw. I need it”. She said: “Yes, you can do that, let’s meet behind my parents’ back… again”. We kissed passionatelly.

That was one week ago. She has no cell phone (though she does have a phone card, her parents don’t allow her to have a phone), and I can’t get in touch with her. She hasn’t contacted me since.

And yesterday… I read her MSN logs. Some guy who saw her on hi5 and thought she was sexy hit on her and she invited him, within minutes, to “her” place. This was when she was still pregnant of me (hmmm I wonder). “Your boyfriend doesn’t live there or anything, does he?” “No, don’t worry”. “I gotta tell you, it’ll be pretty difficult to countain my attraction to you, you’re so sexy” “Come and we’ll see what happens…”. They met while I was working. Gasp. This takes the air from my lungs. Anyway, I’ll continue.
Then I read the next day logs: “So, what time did you boyfriend show up?” “6h30 m.” “Damn, we could have had more time. I loved being with you, and I won’t even mention how awesome you were at that thing.” “You were pretty good too” “Na, I wasn’t in one of my best days” “Oh yes you were”.

Gasp. Heart, be still. This still really gets to me. My heart is just pumping away. I got enraged. I got mad. I wanted to punch things. And all along I knew that, dispite a pile of evidence, I still believe she loves me and is sorry and if confronted she would just lie about it and I don’t have the strength to stop loving her. Also, the MSN logs indicate she doesn’t seem to have contacted him since… Which my clouded mind just reads as “she cheated on me, she regrets it, she realises she loves me”.

That’s pretty much the bulk of it. I have been trying to see other women, with some success but mostly turn-downs… My mind isn’t strong like it used to be. Though I think it’s getting there, little by little. I wish it would clear up. I still have this need to confront her, but I know she would just lie.

Thanks for listening.

Confronting her would be a waste of your time. I hope you can make peace with this quickly and move on.

For reference, some previous threads about this and similar relationships:



I don’t want to diminish the pain you’re feeling. It’s real, and I’m sure it sucks. However, the signs were all there (and pointed out to you in great detail) that this roller coaster ride was destined for derailing. It’s not like this caught you completely off guard; you’ve been actively deceiving yourself for some time now.

Confronting her is pointless. Learn from this, pick yourself up and move forward.

18 is too young for you. Stop screwing around with kids.

I’m still willing to pay for you to get sterilized.

Most women know a train wreck when they see one.

Dude, she’s 18. She has no idea what she’s doing.

I’ve got a song for you.

Go for a 36 yr old this time, you’ll be fine.

Or two 18 year olds. joazito, this wasn’t the chick you were stalking with Cats tickets, was it? Because I’m needing some kind of flow chart here to follow the permutations of your love life.

I started shaking my head at a 27 year old having a GF who’s mommy doesn’t allow her to have a phone and never stopped. I am sorry for your pain but I agree that you really need to start dating a grown up if you want a grown up relationship.

Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave.

Look. This girl lies to you, repeatedly. She cheats on you repeatedly. She actively advocates non-honest behaviour (hey, let’s sneak around behind my crazy parents’ back!!) and you honestly think that you can improve/change the situation by confronting her?

She’s a basket case, unable to trust anything, even herself and her own actions. Does she need help? Yes. Are you morally obligated to “stand by her” no matter how shit she treats you? No. You might love her, she might (somehow) love you, but sometimes you need to love yourself more. Get away. Separate. Leave!!

As silly as it sounds, you DO deserve better than that, and the minute you separate yourself from the situation, you’ll realize that.

Run. Run fast. No amount of sausage-slipping will fix this situation. Love is not an emotion, it’s an action. She is not loving you right now, and nothing you can do will change that. Get the hell out of this toxic relationship and stop dating people like this.

Me too.

Sorry, an 18 year old is a kid. Unless you yourself are emotionally stunted in some way, I really don’t see much that a 27 year old man would have in common with a (clearly incredibly immature) 18 year old girl.

Surely you remember what it was like to be that age. Hell, I’m 21 and I’ve changed more in the last three years than I think I had in the 5 preceding that.

Add into all of the psychological changes she has the fact that this girl is 18-- still a kid, even if she’s legally otherwise- and has already had an abortion. I’m pro choice, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think anyone would deny what a horrible and emotionally taxing decision that is to make. If the girl was already a little unbalanced (you say she was abused so her psych problems most certainly may be due to outside factors), something like that could really push someone over the edge.

Plus, she’s clearly acting out with sex to make up for some part of her that’s missing. Frankly, that’s a very immature way to handle yourself. She clearly has a: a lot of growing up to do and b: a lot of baggage to get over.

Just stay away from her, dude.

[hijack]

DiosaBellissima , as an 18-year-old girl I just want to say that not all 18-year olds are immature little girlies!

What this girl is pulling sounds more like something out of the movie Thirteen than a “normal” reaction of a girl our age. I wouldn’t act that way, and neither would any of the girls (or should that be women?) I know. There’s a reason 18 is when you become “of age”, precisely because the median of girls know by now how to conduct themselves in an adult manner.

While that might mean that half the chicks act like immature preteens, it does mean that the other half of us are already doing our own taxes! :smiley:

[hijack over]

I certainly didn’t mean to imply that ALL 18 year olds aren’t intelligent, mature folks, but I think most will agree my point still stands.

Like I said, I’m not some old fogey that’s so disconnected from the youth that I don’t know what I’m talking about: I’m 21- it wasn’t that long ago I, too, was 18. Sure, I worked full time and went to school full time (well, once I graduated high school and entered college, of course), did my own taxes, paid my rent and utilities, etc. and so forth. But I promise you that there is a massive change of perceptions and perhaps what you value even within just a few years of turning 18.

Don’t get me wrong, I still contend that I was a smart, level-headed, responsible 18 year old, but I have changed dramatically since then and there’s no real way to explain what happened. I’ve just grown up. I’ll grow up a lot more over the next 3 years, too.

When I was 18, if I would have read my post that you responded to, I would have responded exactly the same way- citing my many responsibilities and grown up ideologies. But I promise that when you’re where I am, you’re going to look back and go, “Wow, I really was a kid.”**

Plus, I coach high school debate and perpetually find myself thinking, “What the hell is wrong with these kids?” :slight_smile: lol But seriously, the older I get and the more time I spend with these 17 and 18 year old high school students, it becomes more difficult for me to understand what their older boyfriends can relate to with them (it’s always the 17 and 18 year old girls that have 25-30 year old boyfriends- older guy allure, I suppose).
**And I’m not necessarily suggesting that I’m mature and grown up now, I’m just more on my way than I was 3 years ago. Hell, I don’t think any of us ever totally “grow up”- since we’re always learning and evolving. Anyway, the point is that I am much, much, MUCH more capable of handling an adult relationship now than I would have been when I was an 18 year old kid (it’s sort of like how in high school, EVERYONE is in love with whoever they are dating- even if they’ve only been dating a week. Part of growing up is realizing what is really important in relationships and what really leads and promotes love).

I’ve got nothing to say to the OP, but I just wanted to say this song was phenomenal. Thank you.

I will forego the analysis of specific details like age and just focus on what you already know. The relationship is extremely unhealthy and should not continue. Many of us have been in relationships where we genuinely cared for/loved the other person, but knew that the relationship should not continue. Just because you can’t be with her does not mean you don’t care.

I was in a relationship for two and a half years (two years too long) with a girl that would alternate between being soooo sweet, loving and caring, and bouts of extremely unstable, irrational behavior. At the time I was extremely patient. I knew she had never had a stable relationship, and was having trouble believing I was genuinely a “nice guy”. We played the make-up/break-up game for years. She would always come back apologizing for “getting scared” and ending things “pre-emptively”. I always took her back. Despite the fact that I KNEW the relationship was unhealthy, I couldn’t seem to say no. I loved her too much ( I was in DEEP smit.) But I watched my personality begin to change. Everyone always described me as the “most patient” person they knew. They admired my patience, empathy, and all that “nice guy” bullshit. But the longer we continued to date, the more I saw these qualities begining to slip away. I knew that it could not continue.

So I moved. To another state, halfway across the country. I knew that my willpower and judgment were severely lacking, and I could not trust myself to say no the next time she came by asking to get back together. I had to remove myself from the situation, to take away even THE OPTION of getting back together. You need to GET OUT NOW. You are doing yourself serious pschological trauma by staying in the situation. One is tempted to say that SHE is doing you the trauma, but the truth is: you are allowing it by staying in the situation. It took me YEARS to begin to recover from the damage from that relationship. I was very jaded, apathetic, and kind of an asshole. I was incapable of commitment, and did some rather assholish things to the woman I would eventually marry. (She met me during the aftermath of this relationship).

Its important to know yourself. To know your strengths AND weaknesses. Know your limitations. If you know that your willpower/judgment can’t be trusted in regards to this girl, if you know that all she has to do is bat her sad little eyes or pout her little lip and she’s “got you”, then extricate yourself from this situation. Don’t let the opportunity arise. It’s like alcoholism. They can’t trust their willpower with alcohol actually in the house. You can’t trust yours with the girl in your presence. Leave. Don’t look back. You’ll ache, you’ll miss her, you’ll want to hold her “just one more time”. Don’t do it. Admit you have a problem. Listen to the advice in this thread which you KNOW rings true. Its been echoing in your head for some time now. The longer it continues now, the longer its gonna fuck with you in your future relationships (or future attempts at relationships… :frowning: )

Don’t worry about the age. It’s not like people much older than 18 don’t pull the same stuff. She’s a liar, and she’ll keep lying. You’re well rid of her.

Why don’t you take a month or two off from women. If you happen to meet someone, fine, but don’t try. It’s time to get your head straight. And I hope you’ve learned that if something like this happens again, walk sooner.

I didn’t have quite the age difference you did, but I agree that you should run and run hard. I have dated a younger woman/girl and the growth between ages 18 and 21 is huge. The young ones are attractive, spontaneous, fun, and exciting. As well as easy to fall in love with. But no matter how many time they tell you that they love you too, you will end up a discarded shade of your former self by the end.