I’d love to link to my previous posts but I don’t feel that’s much required, so I’ll just give you a quick summary of my situation, with new info:
- 27 year old boy (me!) meets 18 year old (girl!), very strong feelings, let’s call it love; This was about October 2006;
- Stepfather of 18 year old girl is very protective and supposedly abusive, allegedly has tried to rape her when she was 11; He decides he likes me, then doesn’t like me, then likes me again…
- The mother has always tried for us to be together, arranging for us to meet behind the stepdad’s back;
- Some 3 months ago she left home to live with me, a stunt she tried to pull when we had just met, only now I let her… It wasn’t a “let’s live together” kind of thing, it was a “my stepdad beats us and I can’t go back home” kind of thing.
- We live like a married couple, each other not really fulfilled, we both needed our own spaces, we communicated a lot at least.
- She got pregnant. Told everyone. Then had an abortion. Her parents compared us to baby killers and her stepdad threatened to kill us too.
- She would lie to me. She would meet boys and lie me about it, “I never did anything with him we’re just friends, I lied because I thought you would be upset if you found out, also because he has a girlfriend and I didn’t want her to know…”. She would go for a cup of coffe with friends at 10pm and return at 6 am… In a city where all the night clubs close at 2.
I told her I believed she hadn’t been unfaithful, but she had a lot of suspicious behaviours. Like getting calls from friends at 2am when she conveniently would go to great lengths to ensure I was in bed and far from her (I spotted that behaviour and called her on it, she of couse acused me of being… unable to trust her).
ANYWAY, during our last days together she agreed she wasn’t OK and did these sort of things she knew we’re wrong (specially the lying) and she didn’t know why she did them, she loved me and would do anything for us to be together including stopping with the suspicious behaviours. She was sorry, she wanted to be with me always.
Then she did it again. The mentioned-above friend had this french cousin in town only for the night and wanted her to meet him… badly. She didn’t want to go, but I could tell it was because it was because of me and not because she didn’t want it. I said “you want to go, go, it’s fine”… And she came back 14 hours later. Skipping, I might add, her job for the second straight day… The previous one she had been sick. With my heart torn, I asked for help from my sister to come and pack her stuff, I gave her 500€ and payed 2 months of a room in a town not far from where her parents lived. She told me she had gone to see her mother… it didn’t matter. I just didn’t trust her, and something had to be done. A friend drove her there, we hardly talked.
The very next day she’s at home with her mom, who’s accusing me of not driving her straight home. Well fuck you lady if she wanted to go home all she had to do was say it, and besides she had more than enough money to go home and back 100 times. Not to mention, since the aborption episode, you said in black and white she had died as far as you were concerned…
2 weeks later I meet with her. She says she still loves me more than anyone she ever met, and she didn’t understand why she did the things she did. But she never cheated on me. And she had gone to see her mother that day, all I had to do was ask. Well, I did ask, and yes the mother said she had slept there. Something’s Not Quite Right (SNQR) alarm #1… when she got home, she was extremely tired, she asked to sleep before being taken away. I asked her how she got to her parent’s house (50 km away), she said her friend Nuno drove her. WAIT, I talked to your friend (oh yeah, the friend with the french cousin, I phoned him at about 4 am to ask for my girlfriend, he said she had taken a taxi and gone downtown, no mention of anyone else) and he said you left in a taxi (SNQR alarm #2). “Yes, Nuno has no car, he took me by taxi”. What, 50km by taxi just because you wanted to see your mama? “Yes, he got me there then went home” (which is in my town).
I’ll just stop counting the alarms. At this point I don’t believe her, but since I do still love her my mind tends to forgive this things… I mean, so she lies, but she didn’t lie about not cheating because she loves me, right? Yes, I feel she hasn’t, she lies but she doesn’t cheat… and I love her. GOD DAMNIT stupid week brain. I am honest in telling her I don’t trust her, but I do still love her and want to keep seeing her… she tells me the her parents would completely tie all bounds with her if she started dating me again, but she is ready to turn her back on her entire family to be with me. “I REALLY don’t want that, I can’t have you back at my place, I still don’t trust you and need my space, and I seriously doubt we’ll be together as husband and wife someday. But I do love you still. I’ll also start dating other women, btw. I need it”. She said: “Yes, you can do that, let’s meet behind my parents’ back… again”. We kissed passionatelly.
That was one week ago. She has no cell phone (though she does have a phone card, her parents don’t allow her to have a phone), and I can’t get in touch with her. She hasn’t contacted me since.
And yesterday… I read her MSN logs. Some guy who saw her on hi5 and thought she was sexy hit on her and she invited him, within minutes, to “her” place. This was when she was still pregnant of me (hmmm I wonder). “Your boyfriend doesn’t live there or anything, does he?” “No, don’t worry”. “I gotta tell you, it’ll be pretty difficult to countain my attraction to you, you’re so sexy” “Come and we’ll see what happens…”. They met while I was working. Gasp. This takes the air from my lungs. Anyway, I’ll continue.
Then I read the next day logs: “So, what time did you boyfriend show up?” “6h30 m.” “Damn, we could have had more time. I loved being with you, and I won’t even mention how awesome you were at that thing.” “You were pretty good too” “Na, I wasn’t in one of my best days” “Oh yes you were”.
Gasp. Heart, be still. This still really gets to me. My heart is just pumping away. I got enraged. I got mad. I wanted to punch things. And all along I knew that, dispite a pile of evidence, I still believe she loves me and is sorry and if confronted she would just lie about it and I don’t have the strength to stop loving her. Also, the MSN logs indicate she doesn’t seem to have contacted him since… Which my clouded mind just reads as “she cheated on me, she regrets it, she realises she loves me”.
That’s pretty much the bulk of it. I have been trying to see other women, with some success but mostly turn-downs… My mind isn’t strong like it used to be. Though I think it’s getting there, little by little. I wish it would clear up. I still have this need to confront her, but I know she would just lie.
Thanks for listening.