Urine Luck

I hate growing up. Sometimes now my “stream” has a split personality. I don’t like this. It can cause problems.

For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, let’s put it this way… have you ever seen a serpent’s tongue? There you have it, it starts out nice and perfect and then shazam, it forks like a country road.

Dedgummit, I’ve been struck with V Pee!

What make it a problem is that sometimes it’s a nice, normal single stream but only occassionally will it split into two. Herein lies the rub. When you see one stream, maybe there really is only one stream… but… what if there’s actually two and you just haven’t checked adequately enough for the other and it’s turning your pants into a giant roll of Bounty? There’s plenty of time to piss my pants later on, this middle aged short soaking crap has got to stop.

This doesn’t even address the public embarassment of it yet. I was at a football game recently when I got the V Pee and you should have seen the look the guy squirting next to me gave me. All I could do was look back, snicker and say “What, you’ve only got one?”

Is there a cure? Am I permanently afflicted or is there possibly some redeeming value in my dichotomy of squirt? I’m not a fireman so I’m at a bit of a loss as to how Mother Nature intended I benefit by this.

How about sitting down when you pee? Kinda hard at a urinal, though. :wink:

Fret not, lieu, you’re not alone.

Mr. Zauberman’s assertion from the above link that no one’s come up with a better alternative to the “stifle”, “retarget” or “squat” methods to cure this condition is incorrect. All you need is the amazing
Bathroom Bullseye!

What is it with you, man? It’s always “Shit, Piss, Ass” with you. I know more about your excretory system than anyone else’s on the planet!

Goodness gracious! You certainly seem to experience more of your share of bathroom traumas lieu. Is this a common occurrence among middle age men? My only guess is that you are suffering from the penile version of belly button lint, which is causing the intermittent V pee. Perhaps you should try washing a little more thoroughly next time you shower. Or if it happens at home, stop and get Mrs. lieu to make an inspection of the affected area. Last resort would be to visit a urologist; I think they have a specially designed rotor-rooter tool. Good Luck!

Well I’ll be damned.

I thought I was the only one.

I think I’d just like to move to the country and buy a house with a big porch.

And porcupine, heh, I’ll now forever associate your name with the image of walking up to and squatting on a urinal.

Hey, I’m only in college and I get that too. You can’t take for granted that you can see the secondary stream, either, because if the primary stream is directly in your line of sight to the secondary stream, well…you’re gonna have to change your pants.

Or at least attempt a zany sitcom situation wherein you try to dry your pants off with the hot-air hand dryer, when all of a sudden the boss walks in, and NOW how will you get that promotion?

Do other fluids come in bi-streamal mode? If so, I’ve got an exciting new career idea for you. Think “Binary Bukkake”

You could invent something like an upside down funnel that you could place over your thingy when you pee to catch any rogue streams trying to branch off and do their own thing. Judging by this thread, there could be quite a market for such an aid.

BTW, I have run into this problem on occasion. That is one reason that I usually try to pee outside like nature intended.

TMI Warning (as if you hadn’t already guessed that).

I’ve been known to twin stream on occasion as well. What I’ve found is that when it is happening, the skin on the top of my penis is slightly stuck together across the urethera. Since the urine cannot get out directly, it will shoot out above and below the sticking point.

Whenever I begin to do this, I gently pull on the head of my penis to either side of my urethra until the skin separates. My urine then returns to its usual single stream.

Good luck.

A serious reply, really. I’ve also found that this has become more prevalent as I’ve gotten older, and some searching has shown that:

  1. Sometimes a hair in the urethra opening is the cluprit, or
  2. A gentle squeeze of the glans restores a single stream.

Of course, after all that I don’t really think it’s a good idea to appear to be playing with your wang at a public urinal. See entry under “George Michael”.

I think I’ll pass on that one…

Re: sitting down

This may not solve the problem.

Let’s just say that I have, whilst sitting on the throne, managed to get pee on the back of my pants as I’m sitting doing my business.

Kind of amazing, considering I’m a chick. Moral of the story is: when you’ve REALLY got to pee, try not to push it out too hard - you’ll get the multi-stream pee that comes spewing out with great force in more than one direction.

Jesus. Did I really just type all that? And am I really going to hit “submit”?


*Originally posted by bayonet1976 *

Ummm… Waiter?
And Scout, you’re really my sister, aren’t you?

In related news…

one time, sitting on the toilet, I was peeing, and whatever level of attention my penis was at at the time was just right so that for a second or two I was peeing out between the toilet bowl and the toilet seat. That was an interesting thing I’d rather never do again. :slight_smile:

There’s your problem right there, man. You’re not supposed to rub it when you’re peeing. A gentle shake when you’re done, to get rid of the last few drops, is usually sufficient.

God knows what could happen if you rub it while you’re peeing. A split stream could be the least of your worries.

I don’t have a hair, it’s more like my urethra is shaped like a sleestak. I get v-pees and flat pees. A little tug on the skin opens the sleestak’s mouth, and I can aim again.

hrmmm, it’s not shaped like a sleestak, I meant sleestak mouth. Kinda V shaped.

What’s a real growner is when it separates just enough that you’re hitting both topsides of the bowl at the same time. Move a little left or right and one will flow in but the other’s gonna soak the floor. That means you have to kinda hunker down bowlegged like.

Ever walk up behind somebody that’s hunkering bowlegged with pee squirting both right and left? That’s right, they look like a fucking idiot.