As Aanamika mentioned, what woman wouldn’t want to be able to have a nice, easy hands-free orgasm with her partner every time they sleep together? Can’t think of any. But it just doesn’t happen (for most of us, anyway). And if any guys feel threatened by introducing something that helps get their partner off, cut out oral and handjobs. If he complains, look disappointed and ask why he needs thse other things. Or just stop having sex before he cums. Get up and pour yourself a glass of water. Tell him you’re done. Then do it for a month. I’d be quite surprised if he doesn’t resort to finishing himself off.
I’m not trying to be deliberately obtuse here, but I’m not seeing a problem. If she’s satisfied and her partner wants her to be satisfied and is cool about the exact method she uses to get ther…what exactly is the issue? If it’s not cool…maybe he has problems, maybe she has problems, but it’s hardly about the vibrator, is it?
The reasons why I might masturbate and the orgasms I experience through it are entirely different to the reasons why I have sex with my husband, and the orgasms I have with him. Not better, not worse, just different.
An orgasm could be anything from a pleasant sensation that makes me slightly sleepy, to an earth-shattering extended multiple experience that makes me physically incapable of doing anything for about an hour afterwards.
I like having a full menu to choose from, so I can pick exactly what I want to suit the situation. Personally, I like both finger vibes and vibrating cock-rings, because he can join in if he wants to (or watch, if he doesn’t, which is also cool), and I like his hands, his tongue, my hands, his cock…it’s all good. Just not all of it, all the time, every time.
BTW: If my girlfriend had been coming with me, got a vibrator and suddenly couldn’t come with me, just with the vibe…well, actually I’d think that she had been faking all along, got sick of missing out and was standing up for her right to be sexually satisfied, having realised her current partner wasn’t going to do it for her. But that’s me, I’m cynical like that.
I would have an issue with this too. I have mentioned to her that I don’t like lying at all, and faking it is lying. She has assured me that she would tell me that something isn’t working and we would work out how to make it better, rather than her lying to placate my ego. I would take this as serious of a breach as if she lied to me about anything else. Lying is lying.
First off relax a bit. For my part I do not mean this to be a confrontational series of posts. I could say the “right” things that are PC but I am merely trying to be honest. These are just my opinions and in the best sense of the SDMB I hope to be enlightened some.
“Let them” was perhaps a bad choice of words. Indeed I doubt any woman would choose a vibrator over a human. I am merely suggesting that it may imbalance the mix. One woman posted earlier of a friend who said that happened to her. The vibrator essentially disabled her ability to get off with a partner. She NEEDED the vibrator. Certainly this is not true for all women which I have stipulated to already.
As for your answer to #27 you didn’t really answer. There is a different dynamic when it is someone you have fallen in love with and something awful happens and you stick by them. Noble to be sure and I think I’d do the same. But it did not answer my question.
Another poster noted that rolling over and grabbing the pump is not a fair comparison and I can see that but I am at a loss to make a better analogy. I do not know you but the women I do know would be bugged by this. Nevermind the pump…they’d be bugged that they were clearly not getting it done for the guy. Women have egos too. It’s just human and that is what your hypothetical misses.
I cannot imagine a woman would be pleased with a status of, “I can only come using a vibrator.” If she cannot then there are some issues. She has been overstimulated and no man can please her, she has hangups that prevent her from getting off with any man or she has chosen men who perform poorly in bed. She may well be choosing poor performers and blaming herself.
No. I would hope a woman tied to a vibrator would be engaged (not to get married engaged) with her partner. I am just being honest saying I would have a problem hooking up with a woman whose only satisfaction came from a battery operated machine rather than me.
Ego? Insecurity? Call it what you want…I am ok with it. I think most women in their heart would agree they would not be happy with a man who needed to find an orgasm elsewhere than with them.
Please don’t take it that way. Lying may be lying but I don’t feel it is when it comes to sexual issues. It’s deeper than that.
Ok, you know how sometimes when a race is oppressed, for years and years and years, sometimes some members of the race start believing what other races say about them? Take blacks…I clearly remember cases where young black girls even 50 years ago would be given a black doll and a white doll and asked things like “Which one is the better doll?” And they’d point to the white doll.
That’s how it can be with sexuality sometimes. In ouw culture we’re told even now, “men chase and women are caught”. Good girls aren’t supposed to be sexually adventurous. It’s changing, slowly, so it produces well-adjusted girls like Stoid, but it hasn’t changed in every household.
Add to this the stigma of some households which don’t just tell girls not to chase but tell girls sex is downright dirty. That a girl should never touch her private parts. That girls should sleep with their hands above the covers. That everything down there is filthy.
So you have these girls growing up with some very fucked-up ideas about sex and sexuality. So they get into a relationship with a loving guy, but that part of them is so deep that they beileve it’s their fault they can’t orgasm. So they fake it.
But time goes on, and the guy is so loving, and they start to learn more about the world, and they learn they’re not alone. So they finally start to relax and actually talk about their sexuality. To be accused of lying about it all the time at that point would be damaging not helpful.
I would ascertain that this is not the case before I went around slinging accusations! You don’t know what kind of history there is until you’ve talked about it at length, and you can’t talk about it until she is willing and ready and able to.
I am talking about a woman who never had an orgasm until she used a vibrator. Not with any man. Not with her hand. This is not a rare occurence in the world, at all.
And you are now kind of using a bait-and-switch by saying “…whose only satisfaction came from a battery operated machine rather than me”. I don’t think I said that. I specifically said “orgasm”. A woman that only orgasms from a machine doesn’t get satisfaction only from the machine. Satisfaction means a great deal more than just orgasm. I think you are focusing a little too much on the destination. If every moment on the journey there is spent together and then she needs something else to get to the destination, then why is that so much skin off your back?
Back to your question, if I spend every moment with my SO making wonderful love and every time he has to reach for a tool at the end, then YES, I would hold it for him and please stop disbelieving me.
And yes, I am a bit…irritated over this mindset. Basically what you are saying is it’s somehow a woman’s choice and fault for being hooked to her vibrator and I am saying, you don’t understand womens’ sexuality at all, and I don’t really think you understand sexuality. Most women can’t switch on or off what gets then off. Maybe with work, patience, and time you could change something, but it’s not easy.
Well, for the most part I can tell when she is faking it because we don’t have intercourse and my face is generally… right there. Also she is mono-orgasmic. When she gets done, she is extremely sensitive and even more ticklish than normal. I asked her if she has ever faked it and she says that she doesn’t understand woman that do so, and she would never do that, and has never done that. If she lied to me about that and continues to do so even after our conversation, I have no sympathy for the conditions.
In fact there has been times where she had to take the reigns and finish up because I was having an off day. She could have tried to fake it, but she is more interested in getting “her due” that she will not fake it and either direct or guide me to do it right, or do it herself with me “assisting.” I prefer it this way to the whole “fake it now, bring it up as ammunition during an argument later.”
No, that means you have talked to her, and that’s all I ask. But next time she tells you she doesn’t understand women who do fake it, show her this thread. I’;ve provided at least one reason young women do.
Well, a lot of women simply can’t get off through vaginal sex alone. Women who are like that aren’t strange or unhealthy. Women who need manual stimulation? not considered weird or abnormal either. So if that manual stimulation comes in vibrator form, why is it bad? I personally have a hard time getting off without mine with someone else. Plus, it’s better. Unfortunately, no man is going to give me that kind of pleasure. But better living through science, right? Isn’t this what people probably said about Viagra at some point?
Just because a woman can’t orgasm via intercourse or some other “natural” means, doesn’t mean she has issues that needs to be worked out! A woman can be perfectly well-adjusted and hangup free and still be wired in a way that makes it very difficult for her to get off.
It’s very frustrating to hear people intimate things about your mental state (or the fitness of your partners) just because you don’t respond in the “right” way. Is there any wonder why faking it is so pervasive? If you don’t fake, you risk destroying your partner’s ego. Or risk looking like a neurotic basketcase who needs therapy. Gimme a break.
Why do you have to make such a big issue of it? Millions upon millions of people have some little need to get them over the finish line. They need the vibe. They need a spanking. They need you to call them ‘Daddy’. So? It’s just one of those little variations that people have, like curly hair, fast-growing toenails or the tendency to sing in the shower. The problem is not their need, but the hurt-ego reaction to it. We’ve all somehow been brainwashed into thinking that if we were just man enough, woman enough, whatever, then our partners wouldn’t want anything but our hot bods. No toys, no porn, no fantasies, nada.
It’s dumb. Most people who are in good relationships are not having sex most of the time they are together. Ergo, they enjoy each other’s company. Hopefully they love one another and want to do things to please their partners. Getting all bent out of shape and thinking that 'he/she’s not satisfied with just my natural parts and sexual skills, there must be something wrong with m- no, them! is just going to make both of you unhappy.
The keys to relationships in and out of bed are communication and compromise. Your partner needs to be able to tell you what he/she needs without feeling like you are going to get bent out of shape or feel inadequate. You need to be able to make some suggestions that will help you feel sufficiently aroused and involved, like kissing, talking dirty(or sweet) or even penetrating your partner while they do their thing, or else just waiting your turn for something you really dig that your partner may not love as much.
This is starting to sound a little bit like Freudian crap about how there are vaginal orgasms and how there are clitoral orgasms, but one is immature and the other is a womanly orgasm. Except now it’s, there’s an orgasm brought by man and one by machine.
I feel like there are so many different ways of defining sex. It’s already generally assumed that sex is no longer just penis in vagina. So why not incorporate toys, role-playing, that sort of thing? Some people have fetishes that they have to imagine to get off, and so it seems some people use vibes that way. If it feels good, why not use it?
This is reminding me of “Bewitched.” Darren never letting Samantha use magic–sure, it was easier and more fun, but no, it was too easy. And therefore somehow wrong.
A significant percentage of women don’t come from intercourse alone, which makes perfect sense when you think about the physiology involved.That’s not strange or unhealthy, as Zoggie points out; it’s normal. And a lot of men don’t come from oral sex, which might make Epimetheus feel better to know, since the myth there is apparently that blowjobs make all men come in no time at all, and that’s not true.
Good to know! I wish you and your SO well. I’m always a little sad when people have trouble enjoying sex for one reason or another, but there’s not really much I can do most of the time, except maybe become a therapist.
Yes! It may have nothing to do with intimacy issues or any other hangups or partner incompability. Just fuckin mechanics. Not everyone’s nervous system is calibrated to react at the same level of stimulation.
I’m not ticklish under my arms like most people are. Funny thing is that few people would think to treat this fact of life like a pathological aberration.
Allow me to offer hope to the women of the world who have never had an orgasm from intercourse and would like to.
I was absolutely convinced that it was simply not possible for me to do this, period. Just.Not.Possible. And I was ok with it. A little disappointed, it seemed cool, but hey, it is what it is.
Then, 20 years into my sexually active life, with a man who was very compassionate and loving and young and healthy and patient and committed and very interested in making it happen, it did.
And then again…and again…and again…and again.
The first time was VERY difficult. I was feeling really embarassed and worried for him, but he was amazing and told me to completely relax, he was fine and would remain fine andmade me believe him. And I had to focus, focus, focus.
Technically, it was not amazing because it was so difficult getting there, but emotionally and psychologically, it was magic, and I burst into tears. I cried the next 20 times or more that we did it, and every time got better and better and better.
I told him he was like King Arthur, he had pulled the sword from the stone. He must be the man for me! And he was actually, for ten years. And over those ten years, orgasm from intercourse got easier and easier until it was “the lazy way” for us to have sex, easier to do that than any other means of orgasm.
And I have to say what is true for me: it became, very shortly, FAR and away the most powerful, intense, and amazing way for me to come. Completely outside the emotional component, on a purely physical basis. It rocks me down to my toes and back. FanFuckingTastic, 10 times better than anything else has ever come close to being.
And I think there are several reasons, but I know that one of them is simply that it gets so many nerves involved, it sort of stiches together all the areas of your genitals into one continuous whole where the sensation is everywhere at once. Over time it vastly increased and improved the sensation everywhere, and particularly my vagina itself.
I’d always been orgasmic, always sexual, always passionate. And this pretty much quadrupled the pleasure of the entire experience.
My dislike of vibrators pre-dates this happening, but since I have become seriously anti-vibrator because if you are accustomed to coming via vibrator, you are practically guaranteeing that you can never come in this way (via fucking or not, this kind of sensitivity and pleasure is largely crushed by the vibrator style sensations and numbs you to subtler, more powerful feelings that may be a little harder to get in touch with, but like many things that aren’t easy, the rewards are beyond worth it.)
Oh and I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea: it is not vaginal orgasm. There is no such thing, orgasms occur in the clitoris. And it isn’t that I now come from standard in & out that never goes near the clitoris. Specifically: in the very beginning, he had to go in, come out and move upwards so the topside of his penis would stimulate the clitoris, and then back in, then out and up, in, and so forth. Definitely not easy. But after we’d been doing it awhile, (meaning months. then years) my sensitivity was heightened everywhere and it required far less intensely direct stimulation. Still some, but much less focused and difficult, it became a more relaxed thing cuz all my bits were awakened and picking up delicious sensations from farther points on the map, like the process created little clitoral outposts elsewhere that would send back pleasure signals to my clitoris itself, and then in turn the clitoris sends orgasmic sensations back to the little outposts so the whole experience seems way, way larger and more comprehensive.
Whereas vibrator orgasms have a tendency to narrow the sensation to the tiniest possible area and then sandblast it.
That’s really great, Stoid. (I hate that I feel like I have to say this, but I’m not being sarcastic here.) However, I disagree with your contention that by using a vibrator, “you are practically guaranteeing that you can never come” without one. I am a regular vibrator user and still come easily from many other kinds of stimulation. I also don’t seem to have the concentrated orgasms you seem to experience via vibrator; my orgasms vary in intensity, but they never seem concentrated in one area.
I realize that my evidence is anecdotal and I don’t claim to speak for anyone but myself. I do say that at least in my case, you are incorrect.
It sounds like you’re describing the coital alignment technique for what you and your lover did.
