I’ve yet to have a relationship, but before marriage, criminal activity (inc. drug-taking) or dishonesty = out the door. After marriage, I’d try and work it out with them; the vows are ‘for better or for worse’, and I’d take them seriously.
A lot of good ones already mentioned.
I also have an issue that was a big deal breaker for me, the Friends and Family issue. I am very pro Friends and Family.
I know there are people who come from very bad family situations, but I have also met guys who haven’t talked to their sister in 5 years “because she’s annoying.” That kind of guy will hate spending time with my family. I am related to a lot of annoying people.
I am also wary when guys don’t have any good friends of several years duration. This makes me wonder what’s wrong with the guy that no one wants to be his friend.
Red flags for friends:
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They have super high expectations for what constitutes a friendship. Like, they will make you a three-layer cake every day of the week of your birthday, and then get mad when you don’t go to the same height of absurdity on theirs.
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They have a new dramatic story in their life every week and expect advice, but when you’re going through problems, all they can say is, “You’re CRAZY!” and just shake their heads like you’re a pitiful fool.
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They are hurt whenever they aren’t the center of attention, and they will announce their hurt feelings by telling you they aren’t talking to you.
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They do mean-spirited things, like talk about what people are wearing as they walk by, and they don’t seem to notice when they are being narrow-minded and bigoted.
Oh, that’s a good one. One of my personal 'out’s for being allowed to be angry and rude to someone. I gave you my answer. STFU already.
If you can’t respect me enough to accept my choices, then you don’t respect me enough for a real relationship to happen.
Agreed. My last girlfriend would do this ad nauseum. If I told her I didn’t like to dance, she would ask why, then go home and spend and inordinate amount of time using the information that I gave her to craft a reason why I *should *dance. And then she wondered why I hated having in-depth discussions about my feelings.
Yeah, I find double penetration a bit off-putting, too.
And then on our next date
Well you could bring your roommate
I dont know if Stu is keen too
But if you want we could double team you --Flight of the Conchords
My standard answer: “I’m a bass player. I don’t dance. I make other people want to dance.” 
It’s been nigh on 20 years since I was really in the dating pool but when I was, my number one turn-off was stupidity. I couldn’t hang with a chick who never read books, couldn’t find her own state on a map, knew nothing of politics, etc.
Other kill-switches for me were active addiction/alcoholism and pushy religiosity (which could sometime apply to Wiccans or Buddhists as much a Christians).
If a man wont kiss or is a really bad kisser - out
Mind games - out
abusive nature - out
good lord the list could go on and on.
As fate would have it, I found myself a good man who understands my whimsicle ways (like going too fast). Of course i have my own philisophy on being overly cautious and whatnot. I tend to not let people inside - so, if I let you in, it was intuition that told me it was ok and to go with the flow. (Afterall, I’m not adverse to using logic, I just rarely need to)
Girls who only have guy friends.
Yeah, yeah, I know that every girl claims that they get along better with guys than girls, but the ones who only have male friends are a definite red flag. In my experience, it’s because they tend to be either total bitches or cripplingly insecure. Other girls won’t put up with their crap, so they surround themselves with a bunch of pathetic chumps who are obviously in love with them and are willing to suffer all sorts of abuse.
Eventually they get spoiled rotten and think that every boy is happy to cater to their whim. My relationships tend to suffer when I point out that this is not the case.
- Doesn’t like kids or animals
- Won’t dance
- Only consumes, never produces. By that, I mean someone who’s only hobbies are watching TV, playing video games or reading. Those are all fine things, but what can you do? Build stuff? Cook a mean lasagna? Play an instrument? Grow tasty vegetables? Create cool games? Write? It would be hard for to be with someone who didn’t have some kind of hobby like that.
This is a really big one for me, too. Part of what I love about my husband is that he loves his family and is loyal to his friends.
I dated a Mennonite. His choice was be gay or love his family. He chose to be true to himself. Rejection of family is definitely not a deal-breaker in the gay community. We often have to pick our own families, love our original families but accept our original families don’t love us unless we conform.
I love this spelling. Like a popsicle, only better.
I think I could sum up most of my red flags with “Being an extremist.”
Hobbies and interests are great, but being obsessive with one is not. There are two popular sides to most issues for a reason, and anyone who is extreme in one sense says to me that they are unwilling to consider all points of view.
So feminists, religious nutjobs, vegetarians, NRA members, die-hard members of political parties, etc are all right out.
Red flags for me:
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Doesn’t like kids. Big litmus test for me; love of children tends to be a mark of a good heart, IME.
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Smoking. My mother was a chain smoker when I was a kid. Not going through that again.
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Never says “Thank you.” I am happy to spend money on a woman, take her on trips, buy her meals and drinks. All I ask is some occasional appreciation.
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Negative outlook. I’ll take an optimist, please.
Jeez. I came into this thread thinking that I wasn’t very picky and would only have one or two things to contribue, but after reading all of the replies so far, I’ve surprised myself! So, I’m going to steal some of you guys’ replies and add to my own to show just how picky I apparently am.
Gay man here, btw.
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Sloppy drunks. Referring to social situations or places where it’s not just the two of us (and maybe one or two close friends). I’ve had some pretty good nights in just getting hammered and singing karaoke, but going out and getting sloshed? Holding your head up for you? Carrying you home? One of my biggest pet peeves is sloppy drunks – my friends absolutely know not to pull that crap around me, because I won’t tolerate it. So this is a kicker.
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TARDINESS. I’m incredibly punctual. Anally punctual (boy, that just sounds painful, eh?). I understand the occasional emergency, or the occasional forgetfulness, or the occasional anything, really. But habitual lateness just will not be tolerated. I pride myself on showing up on time for people I respect; you should do the same for me.
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Extreme possessiveness/jealousy/insecurity. Kinda go hand in hand, in my experience. I think most people can relate to this one. Insecurity can be quite cute at times, in moderation… but all the time? No way. Dealbreaker.
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Judgement of my choices that don’t concern you. I liked this one so much that I stole it from earlier in the thread.
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Hard drug usage. I’m a social drinker and a smoker, myself, so I can’t condemn smokers or social drinkers (nor would I, even if I weren’t). Alcoholism goes in here, too. I won’t even mind you using pot occasionally, as long as you can control yourself. Hell, even if you have a problem, depending on the relationship, it might even continue if you actively sought addiction help. But the harder drugs? No deal.
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Abusiveness. I don’t have much experience with this, despite a pretty diverse dating history. I’ve never been emotionally abused, and I’ve only been hit once. Once.
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Overly secret or private. I understand your need for privacy, and I have my own, too. I like to keep some things to myself. But don’t do anything that’s sketchy or makes me think you really have something to hide. My ex used to close IM windows when I’d walk by. When I would stay with another ex and ask to use his laptop just to check my email while he showered or something, he’d demand that only he could type in his Windows password. I don’t want an open book of every secret you’ve ever held, but a little trust would be nice.
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Drama queens. As a corollary, guys who act like they’re still in middle school. Generally, and with some irony, these are usually the guys who have trouble confronting their problems head-on.
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Not being out. I know, I know, some people have their reasons. I just don’t accept most of them.
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Guys who don’t enjoy movies or being spontaneously silly sometimes - we just won’t work out. If my humor makes you raise an eyebrow, I can tell you now, this won’t last.
Wow, that’s kinda long and depressing, upon review. Some are weighted much less than others, but yeah, those are all some degree of “red flags” for me.
Oh, and to the whole discussion of “I don’t read” – this is by no means a red flag for me. I consider myself to be intellectual, and I really don’t read. This is by no means a statement that I’m proud of it – it’s usually in response to one of those “What’s your favorite book?” questions. I really don’t know, because I really don’t read. It’s just a fact. I’m not an idiot, I’m fairly smart, I’m pretty cultured, I just don’t like to read. I’m sorry if it bugs you that much.
Married man, but if I were dating:
- Drive gas guzzling SUV (or other guzzler)
- Lived in/wants to live in suburbs
- Not informed on world affairs
- Likes dancing (just not gonna work for us)
- Republican
- Multiple cat ownership (anything more than two)
- Too close to parents (I know it when I see it)
- Not cynical (I like my women smart and sardonic)
Yes. You’ve hit on the meat of the matter here. Passivity in all things related to arts and leisure is not an attractive quality to me, either. I like someone who not only can appreciate the works of others, but also has something their own to contribute.
People who have to throw any criticism back at you.
You are forty minutes late!
Well, so what, you’ve been late too.
When?
Oh, I remember one time. I wanted to get to the movie early and you came three minutes after I did.
Gee, I heard your sister got arrested for murder.
So what? You get arrested too.
I’ve never been arrested in my life.
Well, you could be. I saw you jaywalk the other day.
I’m married, but if I were single, my main red flag would be people who have lots of issues they consider red flags. Of course, nobody wants to hook up with a psychopath, but if somebody is incredibly picky about the idiosyncracies of potential partners, then I don’t think they’d be all that great to hook up with, anyway.