What are your relationship "red flags"?

In My Humble Opinion
61

I don’t enjoy dating, but I do like being in a relationship. (I like the end result, but I don’t like the process of getting there) So I only date people who are also looking for a long-term relationship and with whom I think I could be happy in a long-term relationship. Nobody just looking for a fling or for a casual sex/friends with benefits situation need apply. Of course, I’m married now (yay!), so all this is hypothetical…

I love pets. I wouldn’t want to date anyone who doesn’t at least like pets. And pets mean pet hair- if you can’t deal, you can’t deal with me.

Anyone who hates clutter to the point of not being able to get on with life if the house is messy. Just take my word for it, if you’re like this, my house is your personal hell. I don’t mind the clutter, and no, I’m not interested in getting rid of some of those books and stuff.

Anyone who can’t have a simple conversation without it turning to religion or politics. There’s no way you could get along with me (60s-liberal Jew) and my parents (conservative Protestants) if you weren’t willing to avoid those topics of conversation sometimes. I have a relationship with my parents that works as well as it does because we don’t discuss certain topics (politics and religion among them). I couldn’t have a relationship with someone who can’t avoid those topics in the name of keeping the peace.

Anyone who would try to convert me to their views, whether on religion, politics, diet, TV watching, or what have you.

Anybody who subscribes to rigid gender roles or age roles (“cartoons are for kids” “that color is too old/young for you to wear”, that sort of thing).

Anybody who is prejudiced against any race, religion, or nationality, or who is homophobic.

Anybody who thinks that not watching TV, playing video games, drinking alcohol, sleeping in on weekends, or whatever somehow makes you a better person.

Smokers, either of cigarettes or pot. I’m allergic to both kinds of smoke, and maybe I’m just picky, but I’d rather not date someone whose clothes, hair and the like are likely to send me into a fit of sneezing and watery eyes. And no, I won’t get allergy shots.

Anybody who thinks of the other person in a relationship as a “project”. I’m pretty set in my ways. If you think I’d “clean up nicely”, I’ve got news- it ain’t gonna happen. If you want someone whose interest in clothes is more than finding something that keeps the important bits covered and is at least close to appropriate for the occasion, or someone whose investment in grooming runs to something other than keeping clean- I wish you luck in your search, but I’m not the one for you. Go find someone else to fix up- I like the way I am, thank you very much.

Anyone who can’t do anything without me. My dad does this- if he’s working on something, he has to call my mom to come join him at it, even if he doesn’t actually need her help. She and I both find that annoying. Also, I’m not much into going out to movies, sporting events, and the like, and we’d both be much happier if you could go out to those things on your own while I stayed home and played computer games (which I’d rather do than go out). See above paragraph if you’d like to make me go out because I’d be happier or a better person or whatever if I went out more.

Emotional or physical abuse, of course, or thinking that any circumstance in which either of those could possibly be justified could exist. They are never, ever, justified in any situation, period.

Anyone who thinks it might be acceptable to sneak ingredients that someone doesn’t like into a recipe and not tell them.

62

  1. Smoking. Having most of your friends be smokers. Being able to tolerate smoking indoors.

  2. Walking 6 feet ahead of me without noticing.

  3. Nagging. Bossing. Asking questions in such a way that they seem more out of fear than interest.

  4. Not getting along with my friends.

63

There are so many in this thread, but one sticks out for me.

Physical affection.

I’m not expecting full out PDA’s everywhere, I don’t want to be attached from shoulder to knee…but being able to feel someone, hold their hand, squeeze their leg, just…lean over for a quick peck on the lips and a smile for no reason whatsoever… is important to me.

64

I have the opposite problem: People getting pissed at me for walking ahead. Get over it. I find it almost physically painful to attempt to walk 1/10th of a mile per hour through a packed crowd. I hate it with a passion. It sets off my low-level claustrophobia.
I also noted, with my ex-wife, an abusive double standard. If she jumped out of the car and ran into the store, I was at fault for dragging my feet and was thus, being mean to her. If I jumped out of the car and ran into the store while she puttered around with her purse or whatever, then I was again being mean to her by not waiting.

She stopped in the store aisle to read a package and I got ahead of her. I’m being mean. I stopped to read a package and she wandered off. I’m being mean.

Big meany, always at fault.

No, I was the one being abused.

Please have the inner strength not to be “injured” by your partner not being slavishly devoted to your mental tether.

65

This is probably why I’m gay but married to a straight woman. I got tired of gay men bringing such long laundry lists of requirements to relationships. I put up with wife’s shit, she puts up with my shit, we don’t have love & romance but we have each other, for whatever that’s worth. We were both sick of not being perfect enough for everyone else, and everyone else not being perfect enough for us.

66

I’m married, but if I were dating, the following types need not bother:

  1. Overly jealous/possessive.

  2. Men who start saying “I love you” too early (I once got a proposal for marriage on the second date - that was really weird.

  3. Guys who can’t formulate a sentence without quoting a movie or something they saw on TV. I mean, I like to veg out as much as the next girl, but if you can’t have a conversation without quoting Family Guy, you probably watch too much TV. Crack open a book.

  4. The other extreme - guys who say really smugly, “Oh, I don’t even own a television. No, no. My shelves are full of Kant, Niesche, [insert other impressive philosophers].” Blech. Get over yourselves.

67

Lots of things already mentioned, but my biggest are:

She’s not at all in touch with her inner child and has no ability to play.

She’s far too in touch with her inner child and has no ability to act like a grownup.

She has nothing meaningful to say about life unless it has to do with her pet. (I recently ejected from just such a situation.)

Every conversation with her gets sucked down a vortex of negativity.

Every conversation with her is all about her her her – and the biggest accomplishment of her life is that she loves shopping at WalMart.

Every conversation with her consists mostly of dead air.

Every conversation with her is all about her bastard ex-husband.

I ask her what her hobbies are and she stares at me like a chicken stares at a joke. “Hobbies?”

68

Holy crap, is that dead on. My ex had exactly one female friend and HATED women, and now that I’ve put in the work to realize the underlying issues that made the relationship fail, this just puts it dead on. Anyway, in no particular order:

Inability to relate to women / All Guy friends - With a nod to the quoted post. Beside the fact that men just have a harder time NOT planting seeds to sabotage a relationship. All of my ex’s friends were guys who were friends only because they were waiting for a chance to be with her. I was constantly a “jerk” because “all her friends” were reinforcing her insecurities. Should have also thrown up a flag when she “hated” spending time with the wives/gfs/fiancees of all my friends.

Excessive jealousy - A little jealousy is fine, I’ll feel it too from time to time. Bottom line, I have some female friends, and if I WANTED to be with them, I’d be with them and not you, so just DEAL with it. Even worse is when it seems like a personal affront just to mention that another female is something above average in physical appearance.

Double standards - Sort of combines with the above stuff in many ways, but is different. For instance, if SHE can have guy friends, but I can’t have female friends… BAD. If she can take time out to do things she wants to do, but I can’t take time out to do what I want to do… BAD.

Inability to discuss intellectual matters - Primarily, this is with regard to taking things personally. I have extreme opinions on many topics, I don’t ask or expect her to agree with them, as I’m fully aware they’re not normal, I simply ask that she make a concerted effort to understand and appreciate my reasoning for those views. For instance, if we disagree politically, no big deal. However, I also ask that if I disagree with her, she realizes that it’s JUST an opinion, not an attack on her intellect, morality, integrity, or whatever else.

Self-centeredness / co-dependence - It’s perfectly fine that many things are about her or about me. In fact, simply because of the differences between us (not just because we’re different genders, but also because we’re just different people), it wouldn’t make sense to expect a direct partnership in EVERY aspect, but in general, there must be some compromise, some give and take. If one of us has some expertise in one area (say finances, decorating, electronics, cooking, etc.), then obviously those places make sense to hand over some responsibility or whatever. However, that doesn’t mean that any one person should ever have 100% control over something and certainly not without addressing the input and concerns of the other. For instance, where we’d live is a pretty darn mutual decision, saying “I will ONLY live here, no where else”, when I have a different preference, and cursorily dismissing my reasoning without addressing why is just horrible. For earlier parts in a relationship, it may show up as demanding certain types of treatment or activities for a date.

Inability to get along with my family and friends - You have to remember, THEY are my family, I HAVE to live with them the rest of my life, no matter what. I don’t expect her to necessarily like all of them, hell I don’t like all of them either, but she DOES have to be courteous to them. As for my friends, THEY were my friends first. In many cases, they’ve been my friends for years and have demonstrated time and again that they’re good friends and really care about me. Dissing my friends, or trying to get my to spend less time with them, or trying to get my to make new friends to replace them… BIG no-no. It’s fine if you don’t necessarily like one or whatever, but calling my friends uneducated, uncultured, dumb, or whatever. If you don’t have a good reason for discussing why someone is a bad friend or why you REALLY can’t stand their company, just DEAL with it. I have to do the same with your friends that I may or may not like for the same trivial reasons.

Drugs/Drinking/Smoking - I’ve had enough of it. If you drink for social occassions, fine, I do that too. If you like to have a nice glass of wine with a nice dinner, fine, I do that too. But, despite that I don’t have a moral problem with any of them, it demonstrates a part of a personality I just can’t really connect with. Someone who doesn’t have the will power to quit smoking with all the knowledge of how horrible it is these days, just will NOT understand me; despite the fact that it’s just gross. Same with drugs, I can be friends with pot smokers or whatever, but it’s just not something that meshes with me or my life goals.

A lack of passion - This one is simple. I’m talking about things that you love to do. My ex use to get up, commute 90-100 minutes to work each way (on public transportation, so plenty of time to do SOMETHING), work 12-13 hours, go home, and go to bed. Meanwhile, my days were just as busy (less time at work, but the rest of the time usually spent at the gym or doing school work), and we’d spend virtually every minute of the weekend together. She had NOTHING she was passionate about, yet I have LOTS of things I’m passionate about, like music, physical activity (like hiking), gaming, spending time with friends. She would get upset when I’d want to detract from some of our precious time together on weekends to do something I enjoy, like going to a concert, seeing a friend I haven’t in a long time. If it were possible, I’d invite her, if not… well, we’ll spend next weekend together. Even if our passions don’t have a lot of overlap, she needs to have something that she enjoys that’s independent of work and our relationship; not just because I want time for myself, but it’s just freakin’ healthier.

Bah… that’s enough for now. The tone feels more like a complaining session than an actual discussion of red flags. Hopefully, I’ll actually look out for them now that I’ve recognized them.

69

Says in a smug voice

Well personally I have Nietzsche on my shelf, but then I can spell.

Proceeds to attempt to get over self

Well my red flags aren’t nearly as extensive as other people’s, it would seem. I think it mainly boils down to needing people to be honest (and I mean right from the beginning, even if it’s things I maybe don’t want to hear). I’ve done my fair share of dating and wonder if some people are hard-wired to not be able to tell the truth, from things about themselves to the likelihood of the relationship continuing. Do you want to see me next week? “I don’t know what I’m doing then” isn’t an answer, it’s a stalling tactic, you know or not whether you want to even if the logistics may not be fixed. If you don’t want to see me then say so, I won’t burst into tears and plead to know why.

I think my only other major need in someone is cleanliness - someone who smells, is generally unclean themselves or has unclean clothes, has a dirty (and I don’t mean untidy, I mean unclean) home or who has bad breath/dandruff/nails like they’ve been digging coal is never going to get a call back from me.

And I’m sorry to say this but levdrakon, I think you sold yourself short. Your wife must be great for you to want to marry her, but she’s failing in a major department to be the person you want. Is dating men really that difficult that you’d actually choose to be with someone who you freely admit you have no passion for?

70

Crap! I knew that was going to happen (not that you’d get over yourself, but that I’d spell Nietzsche wrong…not that you need to get over yourself. Because, you know, I don’t know you. And damn, this parenthetical comment is getting long.).

71

Don’t thank me - thank my Firefox enabled spellchecker. :smiley:

72

Current relationship so far:

Got sick every other date we had planned and cancelled for the first month (apologized profusely and was genuinely at home not out with buddies or anything, in his defense)

Hangs out with his parents way more than the typical 30 something guy.

Nasty-messy bath and bedroom.

His freinds talk about his “dark periods” when he just kindof disappears from Earth. They also have a term with his name in it that involves flake-ing out and not showing up for planned events.

Brags constantly about how rich his parents are and uses name brands and price tags to demonstrate how elite they are. I am not sure how his parent’s wealth is supposed to impress me anyway?

Sleeps till noon most days.

Lost his job (see previous red flag to know why)

Borrowed $40 from me to pay his cable bill.

Great kisser, great chemistry and great bedroom time…when it happens…but he does not seem to want “bedroom time” all that much? I mean I am a girl but GEEZ…I NEED a little more bedroom time. I will do all the work! Just lay there!

After typing this all out, I now feel like the loser for putting up with this.

73

And which of your relationship red flags does any of these violate?

74

This should be the BIG red flag.

75

I absolutely hate that. My ex did that all the time.

  • Smoking & drugs.
  • Drinking to get drunk - I don’t drink and I don’t see the point of drinking to get shit-faced. Drinking occasionally is fine with me.
  • Kids: I don’t want any.
  • Dishonesty.
76

Sure, why not? My wife & I went out to eat last night and spent most of the time bitching but agreeing about Hillary & Obama.

Most gay guys want to know how much you make, what kind of car you drive, what’s your zipcode, what gym do you belong to, what important people do you know and if you’re not into backpacking the Amazon or bungee jumping off the Himalayas and following both up with a romantic walk on a sunset beach then you’re just not up to their life plan.

Bleh. My short-term goal is playing Mario Galaxy and getting that damn cat to not pee on the bath mat.

77

I’ll have to tentatively disagree with this statement, as it reminds me of one of my red flags: women who are completely disinterested in me and won’t even give me the time of day … until they see that I’m in a relationship with another woman. Then, suddenly I’m handsome and interesting. Sorry, no thank you.

78

Smoking, drugs, more-than-social-drinking.
Doesn’t like animals.
Not physically active.
Controlling - someone who is always trying to change me. This is who I am.
Gets too serious too fast - both emotionally and physically. I want to take some time to be friendly first and I don’t want to hop into bed on the second date.
Can’t laugh or determined to be unhappy all the time.
Major issues with their own family. I don’t think that anybody’s family is perfect but there should be more love than not. I have no desire to compete with your terrible mom or dad.
No intellectual curiousity.
Should be socially outgoing.
Compatible friends - I want to date someone who is good with my friends and vice-versa. I want her to feel the same way about me.
Likes the outdoors.

Oh and got a career and your finances are in order. I’m 37, don’t really want to date someone who is on year 19 of “finding themself”.

I think I’m flexible on a lot of this stuff - being “physically active” doesn’t mean she wants to do marathons with me (although that’d be very cool) for example. A few are deal-breakers (controlling, can’t stand my friends, smoking/drugs, no job/financial problems).

79

Okay, they’re not red flags per se, but a couple things I’ve decided I’m pretty sick of.

Hot pepper. I like eating them, and I like growing them. If you ever whine, “that’s too spicy” get out.

Cold. I hate cold. “I like cold, I can wear more clothes.” Go away. I hate you. Shorts and a t-shirt are all a human should need.

Darkness. I absolutely hate people who like to live in darkness. Windows open, all the time. When God wants it to be dark, he makes the sun go away. Don’t touch those window blinds. I don’t, and won’t live with anyone who “like’s it dark.”

If you like it dark, cold and don’t like spicy food I don’t care if you look like George Clooney. Get out. I’m sick of you.

80

I found this kind of thinking prevelent in the married women of my former clique.

When I was single, they acted like there was something wrong with me, that I was somehow dangerous or flawed. The minute I was in a committed relationship, I was accepted as a real human being. When the relationship ended, I was shunned and driven away.

I hated it when I was single. I was revolted by the sudden acceptance and change of thinking when I was in a relationship, then I was shocked, disgusted and angry about their shallow rejection of me when I lost that special status that made me human in their eyes.