Will you marry me?
I’d have a hard time being with anyone who drank much at all, let alone got drunk on a regular basis. No junkies. (dear god please, no junkies)
Being too controlling is awful. It often goes with no personal insight, which is also unacceptable.
Must always be right. Always. Even when clearly wrong. “Your job is to support me!”
Avoidant of personal conflict seems nice for a while - until the shit volcano blows
Doesn’t want kids is OK, but not for me. Doesn’t like kids? Must have been a nasty kid.
And echoing others:
Judgment of my choices that don’t concern you.
That’s not only a dating deal-breaker, I think it was the last straw for my marriage as well!
Of course. I’m the marrying kind.
There’s some good stuff so far. I’d add lack of confidance. Quit with the fucking mumbling and shyness and the acerbic self loathing that so many people mistake for humility and introspection. Hold your head up high and be proud of whomever or whatever you are. If you don’t really like you, how the hell am I supposed to?
Oh right, expect men to be perfect, in other words. Don’t be a jerk, because we all hate jerks, but don’t not be a jerk, because we all love jerk-not-jerk-sometimes-jerk-but-only-when-it’s-romantic-jerk-type-jerkiness.
I also should’ve added…
Obesity is a deal breaker. The type of guy that doesn’t care about how he looks and that I should accept him for who he is. I want a guy who takes care of himself; especially if he expect me to keep my body in good shape.
reads thread
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Well, back to working on Aioua…
A friend of mine thought she had found the man of her dreams, but he had the above character traits. He ended up giving her HIV, getting her pregnant, and later killing their three year old in a murder-suicide.
GET RID OF THIS PERSON!
Just to play devil’s advocate for a second, might there be a chance that you are acting differently towards women when you’re in a relationship as opposed to when you’re not, and that this is what they are responding to? It could be little things, just completely subconscious stuff that you’re not even aware of. I know from my own experience, for instance, that when I’m in a relationship, I’m usually committed to that and don’t care about other women, and so I come off as aloof, smart and confident. When I’m single and around women, however, I stare at their tits, drool on their shoes and make caveman noises.
Yeah, I know, how I’ve actually gotten into any relationships in the first place is a mystery.
This might not be deal-breaker per se, but it annoys the beejeesus out of me so much that I don’t think I can be attracted to someone who does this:
Saying “right” and “okay” whenever I’m speaking at some length, instead of them just listening silently.
This is the kind of conversation that kills me.
Me: I find that when I don’t get 8 hours of sleep–
Him: Right.
Me:–I don’t function at 100% the next–
Him: Right.
Me: …morning. That makes me think I need more sleep than the–
Him: Right.
Me: --average person.
Him: Okay.
It’s one of those idiosyncracies that probably don’t bother most people. But it makes me feel stabby.
People who are on their cell phones all the time. People who cannot turn the damn thing off for an hour. People who have the damn thing glued to their ear. People who, while talking with you, will take a cell phone call and leave you standing there like a statue.
TURN OFF THE FRIGGING PHONE!
Annie-Xmas…I am so sorry for your friend and thank you for sharing that. I needed to hear that.
If you want to learn more, here is a link to her website. She wrote a book about her experience with this guy. It’s quite a read, I can tell you.
That reminds me of another one of my red flags. People who reflexively say “I don’t know” without even taking the time to think about whether they actually do know, or at least have a thought about it.
*“What do you think of the next election?”
“I don’t know.”
“What day is it?”
“I don’t know.”
“What color is grass?”
“I don’t know.”
“What’s your name?”
“I don’t kn… are you making fun of me?”
“Yes.”
*
I think you’re onto something. Being in a (healthy) relationship really does have the ‘What does she see in him?’ effect on other women, but it’s not just 'cause they want what they can’t have. I think – okay, I know – some women just like being treated platonically from the outset rather than suspecting a guy is just biding his time before sex.
It’s definitely not just women. The exact same thing happens to gay men. When you’re single you’re apparently on the prowl and possibly have an agenda so everyone is cautious around you but the second you’re happily partnered you become irresistibly attractive, safe and desirable. I don’t think people want to steal other people’s partners, it’s just that by being in a relationship, you’ve somehow proven you’re dateable. Plus, there’s that extra confidence you exude when you’re really just being friendly and not hunting.
The first time I really noticed the phenomenon, around age 24, I wasn’t even in a relationship. I had gone to a nice club hoping to do a little dancing, and asked a few likely-looking young women to dance. Just dance - I wasn’t looking to pick anybody up that night. They all curtly declined.
The next week, I stopped into the same club, but this time in the company of a female coworker. Again, I wasn’t in a “relationship” with her, we were just friends stopping for a drink after work. She was also about ten years my senior and quite overweight. But, she was there with me … and much to my surprise, the same young women who didn’t want to dance with me the previous week were now approaching our table and asking me to dance.
Definitely not the case with those women. I wasn’t physically attracted to any of them. For at least two of them (the most socially active), it was absolutely 100% their very obvious change in attitude toward me. The whole “single men are evil, married men are safe” thing was very very clear and public well before I became involved.
Preselection is an interesting thing. Women want men who already have women. I’m sure that there’s a social conditioning element to that, but there’s a hardwired part of it as well. Women want the tribal leader, and tribal leaders have all the women.
There’s more to it than that, though. Last weekend when I went out I decided to approach some hot women. Things went pretty well. I was feeling pretty good about it, and on my way back home every hot woman I passed looked at me, smiled, and said hi. The only thing I can figure is that I was walking with more confidence, and they were responding to that.
I think you are very confused. Having confidence equals being a jerk? No. Having confidence is having a good relationship to yourself and your place in the world. Being a jerk is being abusive. Not the same thing at all.