It is more than just a woman’s body that turns a man on, but the body still plays a part. With some guys its less of a big deal than others, but it will always be a part of the attraction.
This is whats bugging me the most about this post. Did he say “i don’t love you because you got fat” or “i’m not attracted to you because you got fat”. You are claiming he based his love and intimacy on your weight but all i read was that he wasn’t attracted to you physically, i mean you did stay together five more years so there had to be something more to the relationship. If you put on 15lbs most guys are going to find you less attractive, this does not make them assholes.
Second this. If I can paraphrase Dan Savage here – Ladies, sex is important. If you want a sexless marriage, find a man who wants one. If you want great sex, find a man you have great sex with (or good sex, with potential) – don’t drop that as a priority just because you have the same hobbies and complementing career goals.
And men, don’t screw one type of woman and marry another. Don’t dump a girl because she had the gall to sleep with you on the first date, or treat marriage like it’s some sort of sexual finish line.
I guess those points of his are really two sides of the same coin.
Word.
In my opinion, a relationship that’s based on game playing like this has problems.
This has happened to me. I’m trying to train my wife back into “sneak up behind, grab me around waist, whisper ‘so, are you busy? do you want to be?’ in naughty tones” vs. her current typical method of, “hey hon, wanna fuck?”
This also has a bit to do with the relative emotional and time costs of porn vs. actual sex.
And there’s also, however impolite it was brought up upthread, the matter of “well, dear, you’ve gained a few pounds since we met/gone more strictly jewish and went from cute tops to long-sleeve high-neck neutral color shirts/got a tattoo of a huge wang on your collarbone/grown a beard/shaved your beard, and that’s why I’m not as attracted to you.” I think that there’s a burden on both the less-attracted spouse to make an effort while subtly encouraging a happ(y|ier) medium, and a burden on the changing spouse to recognize that there is a point where you have changed your way out of attracting your lover and maybe you should dial it back.
I disagree, with the caveat that it’s open and equal. Or, maybe, I don’t see teasing as a mind-game that needs to be verboten. Hell, I’m all for being teased into doing something - if you can get me to want something, instead of getting me to do it without wanting to, more power to ya.
Of course, it’s much stickier than that in real life, which is why there are still relationship problems. In my case, I can only say that playing hard to get works on me, and I’m okay with it. Doesn’t bother me at all, given that we’ve discussed it. It might be different if we hadn’t, or if there was another root cause, or something, but I don’t think it’s an instant ‘your-relationship-is-doomed’ sign.
Oh, rubbish. Men are hardwired to hunt. Like T-Rex, we get all confused when you lay out our prey on a dish with watercress around it.
Is it tasty? Of course. Does it satisfy all our instincts? Not necessarily.
Wow, I’m 48 years old, love sex, hate porn, love to cook and clean, I’m 5’ 10", weigh 175 lbs. and have no interest in sports.
No wonder my wife left me.
I suppose that’s why nature invented mistresses and prostitutes. Not to sound like a dick, but if the wife has turned off the tap, there are some guys who will quietly and impotently never have sex again while there are others who will say “to hell with that shit!”. Which will probably ultimately lead to either a divorce, or an unhappy and loveless marriage.
Yeah, because it was like this from Day 1. :rolleyes:
I don’t mean to sound rude or dismissive, but this advice is worse than useless to most of us, because things usually start out just fine, compatibility-wise, and we have no way to predict that things won’t still be just fine 10 years down the road; implying that we should have seen it coming and have no one to blame but ourselves is misguided and insulting. Not quite as insulting as all the responses about how he’d be more interested if you weren’t such a fat bitch, but up there. Believe me, not being able to put a spark across your husband’s cables is hard enough on your self-esteem; we don’t need the extra reasons to beat ourselves up, especially when those reasons are utter horseshit.
This is a problem that creeps up on you over the course of years. Things are great, maybe not as hot and heavy as when you first got together, but that’s normal. And then one day you look up and realize you can’t quite remember when you last had sex, but it’s not been since you changed the sheets two weeks ago. So you try to fix things, and maybe it gets better for a while and maybe it doesn’t. Before you know it, you’re reading about someone having to trick her guy into fucking her and only one thing is stopping you from trying it yourself: you just don’t think your ego could handle trying to trick him into sex and failing.
Sounds good, but I think thousands of years of empirical evidence suggests that this does not have quite the effect that you describe. It usually results in a slap in the face or a kick in the 'nads followed by a locked bedroom door.
Why does this read like it is only a male problem? It goes the other way too.
I have to agree with Little Nemo here. IMO, this is bad advice and starts a trend of letting mixed signals and messages become the norm. I’d suspect that in most cases, this ultimately ends up with two unhappy partners who always feel that they are being rejected.
There is some room between being too upfront (as runciple spoon mentions), and doing the teasing and then pushing away trick.
I actually kind of agree with you, I’m still wondering what a good solution is here.
The good solution is not letting yourself go once you find a partner, and if you do let yourself go don’t act like they are the antichrist because they no longer find you attractive.
Not if you’re doing it right. Even bad sex is good. By bad I mean your body betraying you, but it all done in a loving way. After 30 years of marriage, things are better than ever, especially now the kids are gone and don’t have to be scheduled around.
I agree that communication is everything. Not everyone is interested at the same time, but knowing why this is a bad time helps a lot. Planning a bit in advance means that there is time to get the old interest built up also.
I doubt weight is usually the problem, though it is a good excuse. Ditto games and porn. There has got to be some reason (unimaginable to me) why this is more appealing. I can see too many rejections being a problem, but again, you need to communicate the reason for the rejections. Was the message not getting through? Was the rejection not a rejection? For some people subtlety is important, and for some “let’s do it after lunch” works better.
I suppose asking can be embarrassing, but it probably works. And it might tell you if there is a fundamental problem that needs to be addressed also.
Two suggestions. 1. Say, “you’d be even more attractive if you lost one or two pounds.” Or that you’d look even sexier in that.
Second, say “I think I need to go on a diet - want to join me?” some people gain weight more easily than others. I don’t, but when my wife is on a diet, I go on it also, and I make sure to say what good it is doing me. And cheer her on, of course. I also make sure to say that she is actually much thinner than her self image when she is depressed about it, which is true.
Being positive does help.
Remember, if you’re not getting any, it’s your fault. And THE defining aspect someones sexual attractiveness is their physique. Sex appeal is a purely physical thing, has nothing to do with personality, headspace, interest, charisma.
I imagine that your partner becomes unappealing or other diversions become more appealing because the emotional connection isn’t there. Of course, the lack of emotional connection/lack of sex can very much be a chicken and egg thing, which is why I recommend never letting the sex go to begin with. It is, among other things, a bonding activity.