What can women do to get their SO interested in them sexually?

[Yeticus_Rex]

I will say the same thing again like I said before on other sex threads…

It’s not all about how attractive a person looks, but also that persons attitude affects a couples ability/desire/need to have sex with each other.

A partner(s) who rates a 10 in attractiveness and a 5 in attitude will lead to a dull sex life whereas a partner(s) who rates a 5 in attractiveness and a 10 in attitude will lead to an excellent sex life.

No matter who you are, you can change your attitude more so than your appearance…therefore, virtually everyone is capable of an excellent sex life.

IMHO.

[Stranger_On_A_Train]

@Misery_Loves_Co

Remember, if you’re not getting any, it’s your fault. And THE defining aspect someones sexual attractiveness is their physique. Sex appeal is a purely physical thing, has nothing to do with personality, headspace, interest, charisma.

This is what the kids call a woosh, right?

Stranger

[Chase_Ransom]

@Dangerosa

And if a guy wants to be shallow and want a skinny girl, I have no problem with that

Sorry for the snips but, I am a little curious (honestly). If I decide that skinny girls are nasty looking, and want a chubby girl, does that not also make me shallow? Just want a clarification on the “shallow” point. Wanting skinny is shallow? Wanting chubby is not? Or is wanting chubby also shallow?

I apologize for the short lived hijack.

Back to the OP…

I don’t think there is a well rounded recipe for the sexual dynamics in any relationship, considering how we are all so different, and our relationships are different (just look at the “shared or separate accounts” thread), and even within a relationship, dynamics change over time, affected by things like age (mind), time together, work, kids, health, how hard we each hit the wall, stamina (age), priorities, circumstances beyond our control, etc.

What I think is worthwhile (and what I would think a therapist would do) is to think back to what DID work, and then look at what has changed around you, to figure out what broke.

On the male side, I have heard all kinds of reasons why they stop. Tired of always being the initiator, she’s doesn’t seem to want it (which turns guys off) and/or is doing it as a favor almost, can’t seem to get her fireworks going anymore, after the kids I saw her differently (motherly versus womanly), etc.

Women I would think (I am not a woman and women don’t usually talk about these things with men), have a laundry list of similar things that match up or in some cases are even identical.

There is one thing that I think is too true to ignore. If you weren’t a good match sexually from the get-go, you don’t have much hope of keeping that fire burning forever. At the beginning, you can look over the incompatibility because at least it’s new, exciting, etc. But after several years, kids, problems, etc…if he only likes missionary and she really wants doggy style…in the end its not going to work because it does become a “chore”.

Also, if you turn someone down frequently enough, for whatever reason, that person will stop trying. So if you have been turning someone down a lot, the responsibility is yours to seek out the opportunity. Don’t just expect the other person to “guess” that now you are ready.

Being proactive on either side is always best. Waiting for things to happen - dumb. Like I tell people, wanting and wishing for something, wont make it happen, otherwise we would all be millionaires. If you want something, you have to fight for it. And that can involve some groveling, ass kissing, taking one for the team, etc.

[Misery_Loves_Co]

@Stranger_On_A_Train

This is what the kids call a woosh, right?

Not tellin’

[Really_Not_All_That_Bright]

@Misery_Loves_Co

Remember, if you’re not getting any, it’s your fault. And THE defining aspect someones sexual attractiveness is their physique. Sex appeal is a purely physical thing, has nothing to do with personality, headspace, interest, charisma.

That explains why Glen Danzig gets so much tail and Gene Simmons never gets any.

[Misery_Loves_Co]

@Really_Not_All_That_Bright

That explains why Glen Danzig gets so much tail and Gene Simmons never gets any.

Exactly -

Seriously though, I think DianaG has the right of it: bonding activity, chicken and egg, never let it go. Not that I’ve been successful at it:

[MandaJo]

I think what bothers me about the whole typical “lose weight” thing is that it’s very often presented as this absolute, this “as a man, I know better than you do what your husband cares about, and any evidence you have to the contrary is self-delusion on your part”.

Men are not all the same. There may be useful insights to be gained from what has made a difference in other people’s relationships, but I think people are very quick sometimes to universalize their own issues in a way that is more hurtful than helpful.

[Dangerosa]

@Chase_Ransom

Sorry for the snips but, I am a little curious (honestly). If I decide that skinny girls are nasty looking, and want a chubby girl, does that not also make me shallow? Just want a clarification on the “shallow” point. Wanting skinny is shallow? Wanting chubby is not? Or is wanting chubby also shallow?

I apologize for the short lived hijack.

I think that almost everyone is shallow in their initial attraction, it isn’t an insult. And yes, that means preferring chubby women to skinny ones or blondes to brunettes. Few of us can get past visual attraction in early stages. But I think its shortsighted not to expect that your significant other will change over time - skinny people gain weight. Heavy ones take up jogging. People go bald or grey. We start to sag. I’m not sure that its wrong to say “I want a hot (however I define it) partner for the rest of my life, and I’ll trade him/her in for a hotter model when she/he gains/loses weight or ages.” I think it isn’t ethical not to be up front about that fairly early though…

It probably isn’t a bright line. One of our friends is divorcing his wife because she has changed - she has decided to live life as a man. I don’t think its terribly shallow of him to decide he doesn’t want to stay given the extent of that change. But 15 pounds? That seems on the shallow end.

[MandaJo]

double post

[brazil84]

@Plan_B

For the record, I’m a happily married middle-aged guy.

But I work with a lot of women and one conversation that comes up from time to time is how their marriage has become stale, passionless and all that. And they seem to have no idea what to do to make things passionate again. It actually gets kind of depressing to have these conversations after a few minutes .

So what can women do? I seem to remember a thread here, maybe six months ago, where a female doper received lots of good ideas on text messages to send her husband (or boyfriend) to arouse his interest. Tried searching for that thread and failed. If anyone has a link to it I’d appreciate it.

Also any other suggestions, from either gender, straight or gay, would be appreciated.

As Dale Carnegie pointed out, you need to bait your hook to catch your fish. Even if you don’t like the idea of eating worms, it’s what the fish wants that matters.

I think a lot of American women want more sex from their husbands, but they have no interest at all in doing what will actually turn the guy on. Because it’s a bit kinky; or offensive to their inner feminist; or something like that.

Also, I think that for a lot of women, after they have children their focus shifts from their husband to the children and the husband feels a bit neglected and resentful.

[msmith537]

@MandaJo

I think what bothers me about the whole typical “lose weight” thing is that it’s very often presented as this absolute, this “as a man, I know better than you do what your husband cares about, and any evidence you have to the contrary is self-delusion on your part”.

Men are not all the same. There may be useful insights to be gained from what has made a difference in other people’s relationships, but I think people are very quick sometimes to universalize their own issues in a way that is more hurtful than helpful.

Again, not to sound shallow or assholish, but I find it useful to examine a situation from the point of view of the most selfish, shallow, self-centered person’s point of view. And then ask, why would someone not act in this manner?

So why would your husband not pursue a younger, thinner, fitter version of you? You can talk of vauge concepts like “love” but what exactly is that? An unspoken agreement or feelings of obligation that he should be faithful because he is already in a relationship with you? Is it simply he has let himself go and feels that he is already with the best he can do? Is it just that he feels comfortible and doesn’t want to take the risk of getting with someone new?

@Dangerosa

One of our friends is divorcing his wife because she has changed - she has decided to live life as a man.

Mmmm…yeah…that would pretty much be a dealbreaker for me too.

[HMS_Irruncible]

Notice the OP is a man… probably not a suitable messenger for the advice I’d give.

[Really_Not_All_That_Bright]

@MandaJo

I think what bothers me about the whole typical “lose weight” thing is that it’s very often presented as this absolute, this “as a man, I know better than you do what your husband cares about, and any evidence you have to the contrary is self-delusion on your part”.

For 90% or more of couple who are at this stage (and presumably, therefore, into their thirties at least), losing some weight (on both sides) certainly can’t hurt and will probably help. Plus, you’ll be healthier. Win-win.

[tdn]

I haven’t read the entire thread yet, but I had a thought. Maybe it’s even a good one.

Are you experiencing “Lesbian Bed Death”? As I understand the concept (and it’s very possible that I don’t!), most lesbian couples have roles that some call “butch” and “fem.” When a couple starts out, they take on these roles, and the sex is totally hot. As the relationship progresses, the partners reach a sort of equalibrium, and the sexual spark starts to die. Supposedly it happens with gay male couples as well. And apparently it happens in hetero couples too.

As much as we’d like to think that there is equality among the sexes, we’re really not equal. Evolution has made us different, and those differences are what create sexual tension. There is sort of a natural dominant/submissive dynamic going on, and that’s what creates the spark. When a relationship becomes comfortable like an old shoe, equality creeps in and sexual tension goes bye bye.

I am not suggesting that anyone should seek a domineering role, nor that you should become a submissive good little wife. Not at all. But I wonder what would happen if you just think about the concept for a bit.

Too far out?

Try having a 5-minute makeout session every now and then. No sex, no pressure, no time taken away from WoW. Just five minutes of being totally present with each other in an intimate way. YMMV, but I love doing that. Sometimes it’s really hard to stop there!

[MandaJo]

@msmith537

Again, not to sound shallow or assholish, but I find it useful to examine a situation from the point of view of the most selfish, shallow, self-centered person’s point of view. And then ask, why would someone not act in this manner?

So why would your husband not pursue a younger, thinner, fitter version of you? You can talk of vauge concepts like “love” but what exactly is that? An unspoken agreement or feelings of obligation that he should be faithful because he is already in a relationship with you? Is it simply he has let himself go and feels that he is already with the best he can do? Is it just that he feels comfortible and doesn’t want to take the risk of getting with someone new?

I’m not talking about my relationship. My sex life is fine. My point is simply that it’s insulting to men and women to oversimplify sex problems into “lose some weight”. There’s all kinds of things that can be underlying causes of sex problems, and all kinds of things that can be possible solutions. This is something people need to reflect on, they need to examine there own specific relationship and figure out what it going on.

Added to this is the fact that weight, specifically, is something many women already feel incredibly guilty and self-conscious about–the two least sexy emotions there are. Even if the weight is part of the problem, it may not be the best part to try to solve, since focusing on it just makes the woman feel miserable.

[Really_Not_All_That_Bright]

@MandaJo

Added to this is the fact that weight, specifically, is something many women already feel incredibly guilty and self-conscious about–the two least sexy emotions there are.

I vote for “apathetic” and “gassy”.

[MandaJo]

@Really_Not_All_That_Bright

For 90% or more of couple who are at this stage (and presumably, therefore, into their thirties at least), losing some weight (on both sides) certainly can’t hurt and will probably help. Plus, you’ll be healthier. Win-win.

This is exactly what I am talking about–I don’t disagree that weight is often an issue, but 90% of the time? That’s totally over-projecting. That leaves only 10% of the people that have issues in their sex lives mostly because of exhaustion, overwork, resentment from other parts of the relationship, residual issues from past sexual abuse, religious issues, child-related issues, insecurity related issues, (other) health related issues, timing issues, anxiety issues . . . there are so many reasons why couples have sex problems. Weight is a significant one, but it’s not the only one–there are plenty of couples out there without either member being overweight that still have sex problems, and plenty of couples of overweight people who get it on like bunnies.

Now then, if you say to a woman “Not getting laid enough? 9 to 1 it’s because you are fat”, it immediately puts her into a miserable, guilty place and shuts off all these other areas of potentially inquiry. It may be the truth in that particular case, but there’s no 90% certainty that that is the case, and even if it’s part of the problem, that isn’t to say there aren’t other things that are going on that can be more readily addressed and show more immediate results.

[Dangerosa]

@msmith537

So why would your husband not pursue a younger, thinner, fitter version of you? You can talk of vauge concepts like “love” but what exactly is that? An unspoken agreement or feelings of obligation that he should be faithful because he is already in a relationship with you? Is it simply he has let himself go and feels that he is already with the best he can do? Is it just that he feels comfortible and doesn’t want to take the risk of getting with someone new?

I think many couples age compatibly. If you have two people to whom looks are important, they will both try their best to stay fit and young looking. It isn’t likely that two people who spend their dating time taking 50 mile bike rides and enrolling in yoga together while pursuing macrobiotic cookbooks are going to turn around and find themselves married to McDonald’s scarfing couch potatoes. But some people don’t mind settling into extra weight - and some people are grateful for a spouse that lets them ‘let themselves go’ and is willing to allow their spouse the same luxury. And two people who dated over Big Macs and World of Warcraft should be surprised to turn around and find sweetie put on a little weight.

I don’t care about Brainiac4’s grey hair or his extra 20 pounds. He doesn’t care about my no longer perky breasts and my stretch marks.

And frankly, looking for someone new is a pain in the butt. Trading my husband in for a younger, fitter and thinner version of himself would be a lot of effort - and I probably would never find someone who is as compatible with me as he is in terms of values and personality and interests.

I

[Freudian_Slit]

@silk1976

I have to agree with Little Nemo here. IMO, this is bad advice and starts a trend of letting mixed signals and messages become the norm. I’d suspect that in most cases, this ultimately ends up with two unhappy partners who always feel that they are being rejected.

There is some room between being too upfront (as runciple spoon mentions), and doing the teasing and then pushing away trick.

I think there’s a difference between pushing the person away and making them think you genuinely don’t want sex and kind of teasingly, wink wink nudge nudge doing it. In the latter, they know you want it, but it’s like you’re kind of making it harder to get. Which can be fun. I think that works for both genders, too, actually.

[malkavia]

I’d like to nominate this thread for the Most Depressing EVAR award.

As for the OP, the most attractive thing a woman can do is be happier without you. In a couple of my past relationships and in many relationships I’ve seen throughout my years, there’s just something about a woman who is completely over you that makes men fall all over themselves. Unfortunately, you realize quickly that once you’re over him, you don’t really care whether or not he wants you. :smack: It’s always something, right?

And who knew a good looking, intelligent and thoughtful young man who digs fat bitches was such a luxury? My guy is totally in for some mind-blowing head for being such a trooper.