Of course not. But that sorting is done before the relationship begins. I hope that any long term relationship of the type we’re discussing here has more to it than simple attraction. If it doesn’t, it is doomed in any case, if only from age.
But we’re not talking about the initial stage of the relationship, are we? The conversation I’ve seen here is: “My husband doesn’t want to have sex with me” and the answer is “lose weight” (oversimplified)
All of the input about connection, interest, sex drive, as beautifully described by people like Shodan are demonstrations of the gestalt of what generates and maintains sexual connection in a long-term rel-p.
I’m not discounting that weight can be an issue: my objection is that it seems to be ** the ** issue that people focus on. IMHO it’s vastly secondary to eagerness and enthusiasm.
And what I’m saying is that past the intial state, its one variable - and that is going to vary a lot from person to person on how much that attractiveness can change. The lovely and talented Mr and Mrs Shodan (you are lovely too, right, Shodan?) BOTH value staying in shape. Attractiveness here isn’t the root cause, its shared values and shared interests. Since they both value maintaining fitness and health, that’s a shared value for them. If the lovely and talented Mrs. Shodan were to have a terrible accident and no longer be able to keep herself in the same shape, I suspect - given everything Shodan has ever said about her - that Shodan would still find her lovely and talented.
My sister’s husband is obese and bald - I couldn’t be married to him, he is absolutely unattractive to me (I could deal with the bald, I could deal with the chubby, but he is past anything I could work up to being attracted to). But their shared values are not around his or her fitness. They enjoy intellectual pursuits, quiet evenings at home, their children, fine food. His weight isn’t standing in the way of them sharing interests or values - and since she isn’t turned off by it and finds his non physical side to be attractive and makes the effort, the sexual side of their marriage remains strong after nearly twenty years together.
So how useful would this thread be to him, if he was having some problem in his marital sex life?
Probably not at all. The problems my sister and her husband have in their marital life have to do with having two kids not yet in school, my alcoholic sister in recovery living in their spare bedroom, my sister (the wife) still recovering from a year of chemo and radition and missing a breast, and two demanding careers. His weight is not the biggest issue they have.
There are other suggestions here besides losing weight. Yes there are a few people who (for their own reasons) are stressing that to be the biggest reason, but it isn’t the only one given here. Like any other thread here, there’s stuff you can use and stuff that you can dismiss.
You’re focusing on this one issue as if it has been decided by all that this is the one true answer. It isn’t. Not even close. Anyone who says that is the definitive answer to the question is a kook or telling you a lot about their OWN situation. Well, that or deliberately trying to be an ass and I’m not ruling that out on at least one poster because that particular tactic seems to be one he uses most.
Maybe you’re focusing on it because it is a personal hot button, but I don’t think any reasonable person here is saying that losing weight is the answer in all circumstances.
For their own reasons?
oops double post (deleting older one)
I agree. In the same way, if a wife wants more sex with her husband, she needs to figure out what will make him happy. And it may mean doing stuff which she’s not ecstatic about doing.
There’s a difference between doing something which is repulsive and doing something which is mildly unpleasant.
Their own insecurities, their own problems within their own relationships they’re projecting on everyone else, their own poor self esteem, wanting to start crap on a hot button topic, etc etc. Take your pick or pick none.
Edited to add: Another reason might be stupidity. Anyone who thinks they can guess with any degree of accuracy that they know that most sexual problems can be overcome by losing weight is a nutter or just plain stupid.
All I’m trying to do is underscore that it’s “not even close” to the true answer, and that “lose weight” is a trite, simplistic answer to something that almost by definition is an incredibly complex, personal issue.
See, I can’t imagine a bigger turn off than my wife doing something she finds unpleasant just to make me happy.
I’ll throw my $.02 in here…
My (now ex-) wife used to deny me again and again. At one point, we were averaging sex less than once per month. (That occurred to me after I realized the 12-pack of condoms I had were over a year old and the box wasn’t empty).
After a while I stopped asking. It was way better than getting rejected.
Every now and then she’d initiate something with me and I was supposed to be pleased and happy that I was getting laid. Well, I wasn’t. If the sex was about us and not about her maybe I would’ve but I knew that she was just finally a little bit horny and need her itch scratched.
“What? I wasn’t attractive to you the last 100 times I wanted sex and I am now? Nope - this isn’t about me - I’m just a convenience to you right now because I have a penis.”
…and so it goes… The sexual relationship dies due to rejection from both sides that feeds further rejection.
It can also be about speaking the same sexual language. Maybe it’s the result of seeing so many breasts over time or maybe it’s something else entirely. If you want to get me curious, show me a naked body. If you want to get me interested, show me a body in lingerie. If you want to get me revved & ready, touch me!
Just don’t assume that if you show up in front of me naked I’m going to be ready in a heartbeat. Yes, many men are visual but some of us are a little more complicated than that. Romance to a man might not be dinner & candles & flowers (or it may be for some) but I still am more willing to be sexual later if we’re sharing a blanket or lying together on the couch before we go upstairs for bed.
Porn? You know what, the girls in porn do things my wife wouldn’t do. Maybe, at times, a woman should stretch her comfort zone a bit to show up in leather & heels instead of a flannel nightie (or whatever). Sometimes it’s about fantasy situations.
Frankly, I can’t either. Well, not about your wife, but you know what I mean.
But it is something I’ve noticed here in threads about sex over the years. When it’s the husband who’s griping about not getting laid, there are suggestions for helping make her more response, but there are also a whopping lot of responses to the effect that she should suck it up and do it sometimes anyhow, because it’s important to him. When it’s the wife who can’t get laid, she should lose weight or stop being such a bitch or do stuff she doesn’t like to make herself more attractive to him. Nowhere in this thread do I see any suggestions that he should periodically just suck it up and do her anyway because it’s important to her.
Not that I think it’s particularly effective advice for either party. The lower-drive partner doesn’t enjoy it, and the higher-driver partner feels like they just got thrown a pity fuck to shut them up. What sane human being wants to be on either end of that?
better left unsaid
I never knew weight was such an important factor in getting some. I know quite a few runway models’ boyfriends who have some 'splaining to do.
Here’s the usual sex drive advice, strong enough for a woman but tailored to men – check if he’s depressed, have him get his hormone levels checked, try to get him to exercise (possibly yoga) to decrease stress and improve his health, compliment him on his appearance (and, if he has low self-esteem, gently suggest he work on his appearance).
Are you sure he doesn’t care or do you think that he also thinks it would be just a big pain in the butt to look for a replacement, if he could even do better? My cynical side thinks to a certain extent people get married because unless you are George Clooney, no one wants to be “out there” at 50 since odds are you are probably well past your prime.
Somehow, I don’t think associating sex with acts you find “mildly unpleasent” is going to get anyone any more play in the bedroom."
I think to a certain extent, plain old boredom sets in. It’s like eating the same bowl of cereal for your entire life. No matter how much you love Cheerios (or Lucky Charms if that’s how you swing), you are going to get to the point where you just get tired of the taste. You can sprinkle sugar or slices of fruit in it for awhile, but at what point does the amount of work you have to put in to make things tolerable make it not worth it?
Damn, that was going to be my suggestion.
Yeah, like those savant geniuses Cheap Trick once said:
I want you to want me
Heck, if I need to put on a Mr. Plow jacket or something, so be it, as long as I’m wanted.
ETA: Well, I’m not going to go to pathetic lengths (no pun intended), but love is strong when it’s strong
But we’re talking about the inverse scenario. Let’s say that Mr. Plow (whatever that is) is some kind of sexual icon for you, and that your S.O. wearing it would just drive you crazy. Your S.O. puts it on, trying to please but is clearly completely uncomfortable and “in their head”, and looks for the first opportunity to take it off. Your repeated protestations about how hawt it was, and how much you appreciated the gesture fall on their self-consciously deaf ears.
The culmination of a mild sexual fantasy? Ummmmmmmmm no. discomfort-making? Yeppers. Feel like shit for bringing it up and putting both of you through it? Bingo. Your fault? No. Your SO’s fault? No. Does it matter? No.
But “I want you to want me” nicely sums up the problem -