If you’re having difficulty ending the relationship (and giving up sex is hard to do), why not explain instead that you feel guilty about the deception, and want her boyfriend to know what’s going on.
If she agrees, you’ll get a confrontation, but at least you can be honest from then on.
If she prevaricates, then you’ve learnt something about her.
She is probably nervous about telling him.
If she refuses, then you’ve certainly learnt something. You’re an affair.
If you don’t want to do this, then you’ve learnt something about yourself. (I don’t mean that in a bad way - we all have our weaknesses).
When I started this thread it was to see if any one might have an idea as to the behavior of a lady friend of mine and what action I should take. The overwhelming responses warning me of her were an eye opener. It has really helped and although this has been a rather trying ordeal for me, I truly valued using the SDMB as a sounding board. It is true that there were times when I just did not get the answers I wanted to see, but I think that is what has been the most helpful in keeping my head above water. I’m glad I kept posting here as these events unraveled and I truly appreciate every ones frank opinions.
Now I hope you will be just as frank in your opinions as I describe what has happened.
Last Sunday I returned from my business trip. My answering machine was full. Almost every message was from her. I erased them all and it didn’t take long before the phone rang. You guessed it! I politely told her to stop calling me and hung up. She tried calling again and I just didn’t answer the phone. The calls stopped and an hour later she was knocking on my door. Unlike the last time, I did not let her in; instead I stepped out and let the door lock behind me. Outside, I tried talking to her and explaining that I couldn’t go on like this with her. It wasn’t fair to me, to her, nor her SO for that matter. After what appeared to be an hour of “buts” and “ifs”, I told her I was not happy because she made me feel guilty as well as used. She finally seemed to accept what I was saying and came up with a final; “Lets just be friends”. I told her maybe one day we could start over as friends, but for now, I don’t think it’s a good idea to see each other again. She left, obviously dejected and it was excruciatingly difficult not to reach out and take her in my arms. Those tear filled brown eyes still haunt me.
As I went back inside, I still had mixed feelings over the whole thing, and it turned into a sleepless night with lots of tossing and turning. Well a few days later, I am feeling better for finally putting my foot down. As so many of you on the SDMB pointed out, I was finding excuses to keep seeing her. Well it’s finally over…or so I thought.
Today I got a call from Bob (her SO and not his real name). Now just so you understand this, I know Bob only because we are both regulars at the same local bar. That is our only connection and although we have had a few laughs drinking together, that has been the extent of our acquaintance. He has never called me before and we have never exchanged phone numbers. So, I ask him; “Bob, what’s going on?” Well, I make the connection in my head before I finish asking the question. Inside I am groaning as Bob asks me if I’ll be coming down to the local bar this weekend. I answer as casually as possible that I may be there, but I don’t know yet. He says he will be there on Friday after work and he hoped to see me as he wanted to talk to me about something (he refused to tell me what he wanted to talk about). I said I’d try, but that I couldn’t promise anything. He said okay and hung up.
Now my mind is racing. Although Bob could have gotten my number from someone else, I am sure she was the source. What has she done? What has she told him?
Now Bob seem to me a very friendly guy, but I have no idea what she has told him and I am frankly concerned that he may go postal. My initial reaction is to find a new hang out and forget about that place for good. Another part of me says go talk to him and come clean. I just want this to end so I can pick up the pieces and move on. I would appreciate some fresh advice. What should I do? Should I see Bob and come clean or should I run.
And please no “I told you so!” I know I am partly responsible for this mess.
I feel like I’m watching a car racing out of control to it’s inevitable end. You gotta pay the piper for this whole string of events. If it’s giving up the bar, that’s a tiny price.
Don’t think I’d want to give Bob a face to face opportunity. If he’s dead set on a confrontation, get the preliminary rounds done on the phone first and then decide whether to meet on neutral ground. And if you do meet, don’t go to the bar where I assume Bob has some friends, make sure it’s neutral and public territory that’s not a drinking establishment. If Bob is harboring a lot of rage, and he might, it will probably come through on the phone.
Going to the bar has the potential for serious trouble. There’s booze involved, peer pressure, etc. Do you really want to sit there while Bob pretends to cry in his beer that he suspects his girlfriend of cheating on him and wait for your reaction. You prepared to answer that? Or are you prepared for a direct physical confrontation? I’m about 99.99% sure, Bob will think he is the aggrieved party.
This is your fault as much as hers, although from reading all the posts she sounds very manipulative.
It seems obvious what she has done, she used you from the start and was hoping that you would be her bit on the side. But when you turned around and decided you wanted nothing to do with her she got worried and thought that maybe you might tell BF what she was up to so she got in there first. She might have told him everything but you know whatever she told him she is going to say that you did all the chasing and she didn’t know what to do.
If I were you, I would bring copies of any emails or phone messages that you may have to prove to him that she did the chasing.
Also **do not **get in contact with her, as that is her plan. All she wanted from the start was to play you around. You **did not **connect with her at all. She knew what you wanted to hear and played on that, it is very surprising that she had all the same interests as you, but I am sure she picked up on these as time went by so you would fall into her trap.
I have a friend, and she did something very similar and all she was thinking about was herself and thought it would be more convincing if she told her BF what happened instead of someone else getting there first.
What happened with her was the BF believed her, no longer talks to his mate and then she had the nerve to try it on again with his mate because as she said, ‘she knows she has him’.
Just be careful, be prepared for the worst. Never and I mean never get in contact with this girl again. She is bad news.
Why do you do as other people command? This girl wants to play with you and you play. Her bf wants to beat your ass and you’re thinking of going to meet him where he can hurt you. The girl is liar. You know this. She gave her bf your phone number. You just dumped her. She has trouble taking no for an answer. Review the facts, you poor delusional man. This was not a love affair. It’s cheap, tacky and as ordinary as dirt. Nice guys deserve better. You’re living a trailer-park drama that will culminate with you in Emergency, him in jail and her gloating “look at all the men fighting over little old me”. If she can twist you around her little finger, imagine how whipped she’s got her bf!
Don’t go to the bar.
I agree that going to the bar is not a pleasant prospect and reeks of a setup. But (being somewhat paranoid about what goes on in my fellow human’s minds) I see another problem: she knows where you live, therefore it wouldn’t take much for him to find out if she’s holding his chain. In a world where people are sometimes killed over a matter of a few dollars, who knows what he’ll do. I can imagine a scenario where he gets pissed off so much he’d stake out your place and jump you when you don’t expect it; jealousy can do strange things to people.
Personally I’d be tempted to get the hell out of Dodge if I could ever see myself in that situation; at least consider carrying something for self-defense. Ideally you’d like to help the guy get away from her, but you’re not in a very good position to do that now–unless you know him to be a very reasonable person, anything you tell him will likely be twisted into the worst possible interpretation.
If you do talk to him again (hopefully on the phone), for God’s sake be apologetic. Beg for his help.
“Please, man, you gotta keep her away from me. She won’t leave me alone, she’s all over me!” Cry if it’s honestly how you feel (but don’t fake it).
Too bad you erased the answering maching tape, as that might have been perfect evidence to contradict whatever she told him. E-mails and letters might work, but you can’t play them over the phone.
I avoided the bar on Friday. Bob called again on Saturday and insisted we meet up. I decided to meet him and get it over with. It was not without trepidation that I met up with him at a local Starbucks on Sunday afternoon. (I took your advice on not meeting him where alcohol is served.) I expected him to be pissed off. What I found out completely took me by surprise. Bob is not her BF. He is her cousin.
He explained that Ellen had made up the story after our first encounter when she had told me she had been too drunk to remember anything, sort of like a defensive reaction. I pointed out that she didn’t tell me the truth when the relationship got more intense and I was agonizing over ruining their relationship. He guessed she was afraid of telling me the truth at that time or perhaps that she was trying to make me jealous.
I was shocked to say the least. He proceeded to ask me to take her back and that she was sorry about lying to me. I honestly did not know what to say. It has been a whirlwind relationship consisting of lies and more lies. I told Bob I had had enough and that I was not willing to try again. Then he lays a whopper on me. He told me confidentially that Ellen had had it rough in the past few years, she had divorced three years ago from an abusive husband of five years. She had been in misery for years until a few months ago when she began to brighten up, (this supposedly coincides with when our relationship started). Last week, she had apparently gone to him in tears and explained everything that had happened. He pleaded with me to go back to her because he hated to see her so sad. I told him I would think about it and left.
Well she has done it to me again hasn’t she? I had made up my mind to move on. Now she has got me feeling sorry for her. Not only that, through Bob she made me feel guilty for breaking up with her. Now I’m the bad guy? I am so confused!
I have resolved not to pursue the relationship. There is just too much doubt and confusion. If I have doubts, it can hardly be a basis for a healthy relationship. So it’s over, time to move on.
I’ll just reiterate what everyone else has said over and over.
Yes!
Get out!
Run, don’t walk, run!
Go! Shoo!
Now!
Don’t look back! Utilize Call Blocker. Set Block Message on your email. Don’t answer the door. Get a female friend to say she’s your girlfriend if you have to.
Ye gods and little fishes and Jesus wept. This isn’t rocket science. This isn’t a complicated situation. There is no profound depth of interpersonal calculus at play here. This isn’t a Magic Eye poster that will resolve itself into a schooner if you keep staring at it.
“But, but, I know what happened the last ten times I stuck my tongue on the freezing iron bar, but I was just told that there’s a patch on the freezing iron bar that’s a different flavor. What should I do?”