Medea’s Child, was this in response to what I wrote? I can’t tell.
If so, I’m not particularily knocking “psychotic girlfriends” per se; I just said that if that is the case, then NiceGuyJack will have a lot of work ahead of him if he wishes to persue this relationship. I understand that “work” is sometimes involved in keeping a relationship going, but only after there is already a solid foundation. To ENTER into a relationship that’s this rocky is foolish.
Again, my $0.02.
I do appreciate all your opinions. Let me just point out that this is not only about sex. Yes, the sex is great, but if that were all I was after, I would not be having issues.
I am seriously attracted to this woman in other ways. As I have previously explained, we seemed to connect in so many ways. We were meeting 3-4 times a week for over a month before that first sexual encounter. If this had been a one-night stand at the office party with Alice from sales accounting, we would just exchange some embarrassed looks the next few days, but it would soon be forgotten, at least until the next office party.
You see the difference?
On the other hand, Ellen and I seem to have so much in common. She likes the same books, movies, wines, food, she even likes my cooking! It’s like we connect as if we were two Lego pieces clicking together.
Having said that, I took note of something Darqangelle mentioned:
One thing I often do when I find myself in a problem-solving situation is to take one step back and try to look at the whole picture as if from the outside looking in. This works fairly well at work, it didn’t occur to me to do it here. First thing that struck me is why hadn’t she told me about her SO in the month preceding the first sexual encounter?
Next thing that struck me, how can she like everything I do? There is no such thing as a perfect match. It’s just to good to be true. Therefore she must be lying. Problem is, what if she is my perfect match? The odds may be one in a million, perhaps I hit the jackpot. Yeah, yeah, it’s unlikely.
I have a long business trip coming up where I will be gone for about two weeks. It will give me a break from her and it will give me a chance to do some serious thinking about this whole situation and try to figure out what I need to do. I’ll keep you posted.
Jack
Whatever it is she wants, back off. Stop talking to her. Forget she ever existed.
RUN MAN, RUN!!! Interstate, Overseas, Witness Protection…WHATEVER IT TAKES.
I’ve been there, I know.
I’ve been in a similar circumstance, right down to it happening on your birthday.
Considering that she would do such a hurtful thing on your birthday, of all days, means that she really is more interested in herself than you. Regardless of how drunk or uncertain she was.
If you ever talk to her again, remain fairly neutral. Let her know she hurt you and angered you, and make it clear that unless she’s going to apologize there’s no reason for you to talk.
Then, once you have an apology, say something icy and get the hell out of there. You’ll be safe and you’ll also have an apology to help you feel better.
Don’t talk to her again, do not become friends with her, part ways knowing that you are a little wiser and perhaps now a little bit more aware of the benefits of putting your well-being above others.
I wish I had the benefit of hindsight when it was happening to me. If you want to email me privately to hear more about what happened to me, feel free to do so. I believe it might benefit you.
You said you like to step back and observe the situation, that doesn’t work in relationships. In fact, my version of your experience was the catalyst for the number one rule that safeguards my personal life: do not get hurt for someone else. Generalized, yes. Altruistic, no. Sensible, yes. If you think about it, if the person was really concerned with your well-being they wouldn’t put you in that position anyways. Would you put them in it? No. Why? Because you care for them.
She might actually care for you, but with a girl this messed up you’re going to get hurt. She cares for Bob. She cares for her urges. She might care about any number of things that directly influence how she treats you, ie. she might care about the opinion of others.
Check out http://www.layguide.com ( http://www.pickupguide.com ). One of them is a pay site, one of them is free (same content), but both of them are fascinating. Regardless of whether or not you agree with what is being presented to you, you must admit that they make a powerful case for being in control of how people treat you.
Someone treats you in a way you don’t like, get rid of them quickly and decisively. There are others. You’ve heard the quote, “If you esteem yourself too lightly, others will not esteem you at all.”
I hope it works out better than we expect.
Women often tend to make decisions based on emotions & emotions change, so then does her decision.
I once asked my psychologist, a woman, to explain to me feminine logic & she said that she can’t cause no one undertstands it yet.
Where are you located (City) ?
You need to re-read your posts.
Cheating on her SO
Used you like a vibrator and then threw you out
Shifted blame for drunken sex
does not respect Little Jack
succubus
A perfect match?
a jackpot?
She LIKES you?
I don’t get the sense she likes you. I don’t get the sense she wants to leave her SO to marry you and live happily-ever-after, never to seduce again.
Oh Jack. JackJackJackJackJACK. I’m going to be honest, perhaps to the point of being mean.
You want to hear what you want to hear, dude. You know deep down that this chick is BAD for your health (I mean that literally) but you still want sex & to believe that you’re “soulmates” or something. You vascillate between commenting about how she’s using you, your plans to get rid of her, etc. & talking about how you two really do like each other. You’ve answered your own question but don’t want to act on the conclusions because you know it’ll suck, guaranteed. Hanging on to this silliness might have a minute chance of turning out okay, so you cling to that. Jaaaaaaaack…
Personal story: Once while hanging out my best friend asked if she ought to stop by & visit a guy who she was dating. She was feeling romantic. Stupidly, I opined. I said that since he was drinking with friends, it was a bad plan. He would be drunk & not prone to cuddling, hanging out with his friends & not prone to cuddling, or both. Not to mention that earlier, he’d said that they might be going out.
She listened carefully to my advice & ignored it just as carefully. He wasn’t home, she was bummed. My point? I am always correct 
No. My point is, she knew what she wanted & only wanted me to say, “Yes! Do that! That’s a brilliant idea!”. That is what you’re doing. You’re asking us to “yes” you. Those people who don’t want to see you hurt will tell you to GET AWAY FROM THIS CHICK. She’s either a user or burdened with mental/personality problems.
Also, this may be a screwed up analogy, but I liken it to the situation of a mistress & a married man. Say you’re the mistress. He’s with you even though it violates his prior, SERIOUS committment. If he’s that lacking in the scruples dept., what makes you think that you won’t end up in the same boat? If you two believe you’re “soulmates”, try this on: If he didn’t believe he and the wife were soulmates, why’d he marry her and stay with her? What’s that say about his - and, by extension, your - judgement?
Okay, I’m done, except to reiterate that unless you’re really ready to dispense with the bullshit & stop making excuses and naming reasons why this maybe sorta might possibly work, yer stuck.
And BTW, I believe that what Drastic meant was this:
Jack. If you end up feeling shitty or confused after every time you see this woman, then DO NOT SEE THIS WOMAN. DO NOT give her an opportunity to see you. Problem solved, case closed, the end, good night nurse.
It seems so clear when Ifm here reading the responses on this thread. I practically agree with every one.
Last night, I had this in mind and I tried to keep focused on this when she showed up.
Half an hour in her presence and all clarity vanish, Ifm back to being blind again.
I know itfs bad, but I canft seem to pull away.
However, it just so happens I will be going on a two-week business trip today. On top of this, I signed up to go on a weekend scuba diving trip with my local dive club as soon as I get back. Fortunately, she doesnft have a dive certificate so she canft join (she got a bit upset when I told her I was going). So thatfs almost three weeks out of town and out of her sight. As has been suggested, I will avoid contact with her, if I have to leave town, so be it.
Jack
Allright. If this gets moved to the Pit, so be it. However, I think that it’d be more effective here. Here goes nothin’.
jumping up and down furiously…Jesus, Jack! You just don’t get it, do you? When she showed up the last time, why did you entertain her instead of turning her right back around? You continue to ASK her to manipulate you.
You sound as though you have no control over your own life, that she’s leading you by the short ‘n’ curlies! She is, I suppose. You’re sneaking around avoiding her, commenting that you’ll leave town if you have to, thanking god that she can’t follow you on the dive trip. What would you have done if she DID have her certificate? Choose another vacation? She is running your life, you are not. Most of your major decisions seem to be dictated by her behavior, not by what you claim to want. Why the hell would you rather leave town than just get some courage and tell this woman to STAY AWAY?
Probably, as I had mentioned in a previous post, because you don’t want her to stay away. Who knows, maybe you’re just a masochist, maybe you like drama, maybe whatever. The thing is, you gotta figure out which it is. I’m sure that there are other women with whom you’d make an excellent match, but you’re stuck in the mud for some bizzare reason.
Here’s something else to chew on: Let’s say you two end up in a relationship. What happens if (when, I think) she gets bored and decides to either screw around on you or just move on? Are you going to be a complete emotional cripple? I hope the hell not, I truly do.
Why is ANYONE still replying to NiceGuyJack? He doesn’t get it and doesn’t WANT to get it.
I know. We’ve ALL BEEN THERE from the sounds of it, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who was told by everyone not to do it. We all had to do it the hard way, Jack’s not going to be any different.
It’s like a rite of passage, I guess. No one can conquer their heart through the cerebral powers of the brain, so they just wait for the heart to discredit itself and the brain makes all the right promises. It’s kind of like Lenin and the Bolsheviks.
AScurvy: Yep. I concur.
I give up on this pathetic hunk of non-self-respecting meat.
See you on the other side, Jack, when you’re pitifully wondering what the hell happened and why you always seem to get your heart busted, and why do girls always pull this sh-yama lama wing ding
No tears to shed here, and I won’t be responding to THAT thread, either.
Funny thing is, I think I atually might KNOW this girl… which would be a laugh. I know the chances are slim, but I would actually laugh out loud if I found out that I knew who this girl was that Jack was talking about.
Jack,
you mentioned using problem solving skills. It is always difficult to be dispassionate when hormones are involved, but let me try some analysis.
Affairs can be exciting, since there is a forbidden element to the sex. They are not a basis for a long-term relationship.
When he finds out (and this usually happens), you may well have an unpleasant confrontation with him. He may well know some of your friends, or work colleagues, and tell them how you have behaved.
If all you want is sex, and understand the likely consequences of discovery, or her taking up with yet another man, then that’s your choice.
But you keep talking about caring and commitment. It’s practically impossible to achieve that whilst feeling guilty about the deception.
Also, if she respected you and wanted to have a fulfilling relationship herself, why does she ignore your wishes (and especially not tell her boyfriend)?
But if you and she behave in this untrustworthy way, how are you going to be able to trust each other if, say, you get married?
I trust you will forgive any unintentional insult in the above. You did ask us for our advice / opinion.
Everyone is entitled to make mistakes and be too blind to see. But you see just fine.
You know exactally what you’re doing and want us Dopers to tell you it’s okay.
I don’t like you, either.
Exactly so. Life is hard, but it’s also very much easier than people often let it be.
Some people need to run through a cycle of behavior several times before they learn anything out of it. A subset never do. Time will tell.
Only 4? No wonder she hasn’t left her SO!
<duck>
I know what I should do. I would be saying the same were I giving advice, and I have in the past to others in the same situation. However, it is easier said than done. Every time I’ve thrown her out, she finds her way back. Well, being away helps. Although I had to cancel my dive trip, I am currently away on business and won’t be back in town for a couple of weeks. I have told her it is over and that I don’t want to see her when I come back. At the moment she can only reach me via email, and I have been deleting those (after 5 emails, I put an auto block on her emails).
You wouldn’t believe how difficult this is. I am in constant doubt if I’m doing the right thing. After all, why would she be trying so hard? I wouldn’t wish this crap on any one, and I hope you never get to experience this. This has only been going on for close to four months for me and I will get out of it. I can’t even begin to imagine how some people can stay in such relationships for years.
Jack