I apologize in advance for the hijack, and likewise, feel free to ignore me if it’s not relevant or you already knew, but you can always use the friends filter option that LJ offers.
Could not agree more, plus any excuse to watch Gilda. What a fabulous movie.
What he did wrong was she met another guy. These are the telltale signs. They loose interest, become distant, cold, etc. Always the case. I’ve been in five or six of these situations and I can say that every single time the SO met someone else the clues where there, the same signs. I just wanted to think every time would be different or that there would be some other reason. Nope.
I’d also like to commend my fellow dopers for handling this thread with honesty, dignity and with respect to the feelings of the OP. Mostly for being honest, which you guys always are. This is probably one of the most painful experiences that a young person can be involved in because your head and heart are in a tempest and feelings and thoughts are clouded in such a way that you can’t think straight and the heart pains.
Good luck to the OP.
I’m actually surprised at the number of responses I’ve received, thank you all for your (mostly) mature advice and telling it like it is. Well here goes, the moment of truth…
Mmmmmyes. But as I’m not about to un-friend my own spouse, an act that would be viewed with justified confusion and perceived as hostility…I simply find other venues in which to (occasionally) rant about my mother-in-law. I’ve done it here, f’r’ex.
End hijack.
Okay so I go to her house and we go for a walk ‘n’ talk, we chat away as if the past few days never happened, I even almost forgot that I was here with a mission. But eventually, I ask her about the cold distance and she tells me it’s because she’s currently contemplating what to do about us both going to different unis. And she still is contemplating.
Best to ya, Muddy.
It will hurt if this ends, whether you do it or not. It’s a rough thing, and it never really goes away. But I envy you, too, because you will likely get to do this whole glorious rollercoaster a bunch more times. Breaking up never hurts as much as hooking up again feels good.
But I’ll second, third, fourth the really good advice of, just take some time to be involved in yourself, especially at your age. Try hobbies, work hard, see some bands, enjoy yourself. It take your mind off things, and it will make you even more attractive in a hundred ways.
If she’s telling the truth then she’s struggling just as much as you are. Something tells me she would have just talked to you about this rather than go cold and distant if this is the real issue. But I don’t know her and maybe she’s really scared to be without you and this is her way of dealing with it.
Did you get the sense that she was trying to find a way for you two to stay together or was she trying to find a way to close out the relationship?
I guess my take is different than the many that have already been expressed. I don’t get all the superpoking and other web based nonsense – I’d chalk it up to internet flirting, which is like real flirting but even more innocuous. Unless she isn’t really flirting, or you are too jealous to be with a flirty person, it just ain’t a problem.
But regarding this conversation. She’s telling you one of two things. My first impression is that she is saying, “Quit crowding me, and quit pretending you are leaving comments to be nice instead of marking me as your territory. That’s why I deleted them.” That would be my reaction too, so I’m leaning toward this one. If she isn’t cheating, didn’t intend to cheat, but wanted some space to flirt and have fun then she probably isn’t enjoying this line of questing.
The second possible meaning assumes that somewhere, deep down, she does have some intentions beyond flirting. That message would be along the lines of, “I just ain’t so into you that I’ve stopped looking. Deal with it.”
Having followed this thread with interest, I think it’s time for me to pipe in.
ISTM that she is being extremely honest here. Long distance relationships aren’t easy, and I think she knows this (as, I hope, do you). Even harder when you’re both young, and about to move somewhere to begin a new stage of your lives.
She could try to make you feel better and say “oh, things won’t change a bit! We’ll still be together!” but I think that deep down, she knows things are going to change. Both of you will soon have an expanded social circle, with new opportunities for friendship and also for relationships.
They say “absence makes the heart grow fonder,” but they also say “out of sight, out of mind.” In my experience, both are true, and in that order.
Chances are that your relationship is on its way out. I’m very sorry for you…but I’m excited for you at the same time. My advice? Enjoy the time you have before you go to your separate locations, and when the time comes, part amicably.
Something, perhaps, like:
YMMV, of course.
Clearly, the only proper way to deal with this situation is to find Rebecca’s Facebook and superpoke her. Trust me, it’s the best way to go about this sort of thing.
Good one, Swampwolf. I would add “Until then, let’s make the most of our time together.”
Sweet Gandhi’s Ghost, you actually talked to her? I was beginning to think that this girl only exists on the internets and, as such, she was actually a 47 year old shut in named Dave. Congratulations on your real, live, 19 year old. If she wears pajama pants I’m going to hunt you down and club you to death with your own bloody stump of an arm. (Fair warning, and all that.)
Now let’s talk about this different universities, thing. You keep calling it uni which I guess means you’re not in the states. How far apart are these schools from each other? If you’re in Australia and we’re talking Melbourne v. Perth, feel free to answer “different planets.” If you’re in England you’d better give it to us in something like statute miles, rounded to the nearest 50 or so. You’re English so you’re liable to give the same damned (sorry, cultural sensitivity demands that I replace this with “bloody”) answer for Baliol v. Trinity. Small island, indeed. Canada, all bets are off. I presume that you all have fake girlfriends up there (“Yeah, she lives in Canada, eh, in Toronto. We had this great thing going until I went off to uni and she had this torrid fling with a kid from Nebraska who was visiting Niagra Falls, eh. Put me off my backbacon for a fortnight.”) so this is all moot.
My advice to you at this point is to have a good time with the girl and then break up with her. Tell her that you really like her but you think she’s right about the school thing. You still want to be friends but it will really suck doing all of Uncommon Sense’s favorite college pastimes and feeling guilty about them either during or after the fact. When I was an undergrad we used to place bets on when the girl/boy back home was going to stray and it would all come crashing down. Be the bettor, not the bettee.
Tenebras
ETA: Or, you know, what tdn said. =)
You don’t have to un-friend anyone. There are customer layers of filters. You can set a post’s security so that only certain users on your friends list can see it. (somewhat of a sub-filter option) So I don’t hijack the thread further, if it’s something you think you’d use, you can look at their FAQs about friend filters, or poke me about it.
Here is also a good place to vent, of course. 
Others have given far better advice than I could, but good luck either way.
I think I may have mentioned it earlier, but to chip in my 2 cents on this particular topic…almost a hijack, but it’s related to the whole situation
my biggest pet peeve is people who go to college, but when they’re at college they’re “away from home”. Going out to college, living in your dorm, etc. should be, in my opinion, almost a clean break from your old life. Not to say that you shouldn’t talk to people from back home, or forget everything from before, but I find that people who don’t really embrace being AT college instead of being AWAY to college tend to have much poorer outlooks on college/life in general, and are almost guaranteed to be less happy, because they’re constantly dwelling on the past, trying to go home to their friends, who are moving on or at least expanding their horizons.
What does this have to do with anything: to be honest, I would seriously consider at least agreeing to being officially apart going in to school. If it turns out you meet a whole lot of people, have good times, and find yourself later in the year to still be returning to the same person for the same reasons as before, by all means continue the relationship, but do everything you can to not limit yourself to new experiences going in to school.
Shameless bump here. What the hell happened?
Until further updates occur I’m going to assume that you showed up at her house in your leather trousers and she positively attacked you. Good times were had by all but the downstairs neighbors, who had an unfortunate case of plaster falling off the ceiling, and then you fell into a coma brought about by acute dehydration, having neglected to drink enough fluids in preparation for your Hurculean efforts of the evening.
The (formerly) errant girlfriend called “Rebecca” who rushed to the scene with her emergency IV drip (“Rebecca” believes in always being prepared so she keeps a few liters of saline in the trunk of her car, just in case.) and you were brought back from the brink of death. You spent the rest of the evening in intensive care and the first thing you saw upon awakening were the crystal blue eyes of your attending, with whom you developed an instant rapport and the two of you are currently in Monte Carlo burning through the better part of her enormous fortune (her father bought into Microsoft in the early days) and washing clean the memory of what’s-her-name through the healing properties of fine wine, exotic cars, profligate spending, and an extremely willing and flexible (in both body and morals) woman with an advanced degree.
It seems like the logical conclusion to the story.
Actually, that sounds more like my weekend!