I know it’s hurtful to have your dad call you a slut, but frankly, I’d be more concerned that he might have a drinking problem. Getting so drunk that you don’t remember what you said to someone is not a good sign. Neither is not being able to refrain from getting drunk when his kids are around.
If you marry your boyfriend and have children, is your dad going to get drunk when his grandkids are around? Is he going to say hurtful things to them when he’s drunk? The fact that he can’t or won’t refrain from getting drunk when you’re visiting is not a good sign here. Would you want someone in your child’s life who you know to get drunk and say hurtful things? Do you want someone in your life who behaves that way?
I think you’d be within your rights to ask him to not get drunk when you’re visiting, and to refuse to talk to him about your boyfriend, or about anything else, when he is drunk.
You’re more restrained than I would be. My first response would be, “you racist son of a bitch!” and from there it would escalate in both volume and profanity.
It sounds like you don’t have much control over the situation, though. What exactly is your boyfriend going to say during this “heart to heart”? (I ask because I’ve expressly forbidden my husband from interceding on my behalf with my parents. He takes it too personally and gets his feelings more hurt by it than I do, plus, it’s my relationship. How is his being a go-between going to help?) Also, you’re waiting for your boyfriend to propose because a formal proposal is what HE wants to do? It seems kind of petty for him to put you in that position just because he’s decided that he wants rose petals and carriages (or something), but hasn’t gotten off his ass and done it yet.
I guess him talking to your parents about marriage is a decent enough compromise, but it still sounds like your wishes are are low-priority in your relationships with both your boyfriend and your father.
Hi, fellow Korean-with-crazy-parents! (Korean-American here, but similar parents ) This sounds like a really good plan. My parents are the same way – they were really worried about our relationships until they got confirmation that it was realio trulio going to be a long-term-wedding-bells thing, at which point they relaxed a lot.
Not relevant to the above paragraph, but must still share: My mom basically told my sister she was a slut (and other things too) when she found out about, um, something in my sister’s life (to be fair, it was not in a long-term relationship, which mom would’ve probably been a little more understanding about, and mom was also worried about my sister and potential STDs), and mom wasn’t even drunk at the time. It took years for the emotional fallout from that one to subside.
At any rate, I promise promise that once you are married things will be about 200% easier. It’s like our whole family took a large collective sigh of relief once my sister and I got married.
(All the people who are recommending escalating the conflict… you don’t, I think, have Korean parents.)
I grew up in a small city in BC Canada, part of a lower-middle-class family (dad was a teacher) and he called me a slut when I was 17 and didn’t come home one night. He refused to believe that I was sleeping on a couch while my best friend screwed some stranger in the next room. To him, because I spent the night away from home at some guy’s house, I was therefore a slut. It was devastating to me - I was a virgin, you could even say a prude. I was the most conservative and least experienced of all of my friends - who were mostly good kids. I would say it was one of the most damaging things that happened to our father-daughter relationship.
In terms of how I responded? Well, I burst into tears as I tried to explain. I don’t know of any other way I could have handled it.
I would say to take it in stride. They aren’t always calling you a slut just because they think you are a slut. Parents often say things they don’t mean just to control their kids’ behavior.
I know my post makes my dad sound like a drunken lout, but really, he doesn’t get that drunk that often. Maybe a handful of times in one year. He actually drinks less than most Korean men his age (thanks to my mom, who worries about his health constantly).
Preach it, sister. Any time my parents start yelling, I immediately do whatever I can to calm them down. There’s just no reasoning with Korean parents.
If it weren’t for my parents, I’d be perfectly content to wait until my boyfriend was ready to do his thing (at the moment he’s in the middle of a MA program, plus his father just passed away a year ago). The way things are, it’s not really a question of “if” he asks me, but rather “when.” It’s just that my parents are demanding something more concrete and respectable than a sort of “engaged to be engaged” limbo.
To be perfectly honest, I do find it mildly annoying that my boyfriend has this huge hangup about discussing marriage plans before a ring is produced, but nothing in this world is perfect, I suppose. I’m sure he finds it mildly annoying that I have crazy-ass Asian parents.
Do you suppose everyone involved would be happy(ish) with a promise ring? I know they sound awfully wishy-washy, but it might be concrete enough for your parents to live with.
I like how on a site that calls itself the smartest board on the internet, it makes sense to advise the OP to use an ethnicity-based insult against her own father.
Well to be fair, to HIS culture, HIS upbringing, what HIS parents expected of him…you are a slut.
Of course. every rational person here knows better than that, you know better than that and what he says really doesn’t matter (unless you let it) anyway.
I would doubt very much that he was trying to be hurtful, or that he really thinks you’re a slut. My bet would be that his thinking is more along the lines of “bloody hell girl, get married and let me walk you down the aisle already and make good legitmate grandkids” than “shit, you’re no daughter of mine you loose whore” but internal filters were a bit off. Naturally the whole asian, patriarchial society thing doesn’t help either.
The first time I was taken home to see my wife’s parents she was basically disowned for marrying the farang / masale / ang moh call me what you will. And to make matters worse, according to their customs we’re still not married (although after two kids that boat has sailed).
My thoughts would be to reinforce to him that you are getting married, but other than that forget about it as something that really doesn’t matter.
Apparently arseNal is going for the local “Asian guys have small dicks” rather than the more international “guys who abuse women are compensating for small dicks”.
Oh, we’re going to read the “tiny dick/abusive to women” statement as based solely on the events of the OP’s story, and not the very common stereotype? And this stereotype is only local, and internationally no one ever says this about Asian guys?
He knows I’ve been stressing out about it. I like the idea of a promise ring in theory, but it seems neither here nor there - I’m not sure it would appease my parents.
Anyway, he told me he’s going to go down and talk to them face to face as soon as possible. My mom is being somewhat more sensible about the whole thing, so hopefully that’ll help.
Dunno about Korea, but in Taiwan they say when you marry one person, you’re marrying their whole family. The absolute worst situation I’ve personally found is when my wife feels like I’m forcing her to “choose sides” between me and her parents – I do my best to avoid that in even the smallest things, otherwise it’s a real source of stress between us. It can be a bit of a challenge for a foreigner, and requires extra effort for both partners.
Wondering BTW, how is your boyfriend’s Korean language skills?
) This sounds like a really good plan. My parents are the same way – they were really worried about our relationships until they got confirmation that it was realio trulio going to be a long-term-wedding-bells thing, at which point they relaxed a lot.
