Credit Far Side for:
The ability to translate dog speech into English, only to discover the dog is saying
“Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!. . .”
Inflexible Man: Bending his joints requires extreme force.
Lighter-than-Air Man: Has the density of a helium baloon.
The Human Flytrap: Sticky all over his body, and attracts flies.
Sloth: Can sit around drinking beer indefinitely.
Cenitipede-man: His entire body is covered with normal human legs (looks kind of like a koosh-ball).
Origami Man: His body is made of cleverly folded colored paper. Can fold paper into any shape. Weakness: tearing.
The Drama Queen: has an unnatural attraction to over-the-top personal drama.
Balls that can turn into grenades…but you can’t regrow them.
Being a Shampir—having all the weaknesses of a vampire, and none of the strengths. (I’m not sure how you’d become one of these—I’m still trying to think up something funny.)
The ability to transmogrify into, and thus gain the concentrated powers of, the personified form of any racial or ethnic stereotype of your choice. You don’t even want to hear what the sidekick is like…
The power to communicate with the ghosts of cavemen.
Being a “Captain America”-type nationalistic hero for a country that no longer exists. (Like Kapitän Austria-Hungary, or something.)
The ability to talk to animals…but not to make them obey you. Also hindered by the fact that, by human mental standards, about 99% of all the animal species on the planet would be profoundly retarded. At best.
Super intestines, giving you the power to digest anything. (Eating something could still hurt you, though. So no biting off hunks of steel or chewing gravel for you.)
Badly timed immortality. (Like finding out you couldn’t be killed after being sealed in concrete and dumped in the ocean, or after you’d volunteered to a “suicide mission” of piloting a missile into the sun to keep it from going supernova.)
The Baroque Gadgeteer—fights evil entirely with bizarre military prototypes and concept designs that never made it into full production, with the rationale that his enemies would never expect it. (Sadly, a lot of the equipment was originally unused for good reasons.)
Bitten by a rabid “Vampire: The Requiem” gamer.
Da da DA DAAA!!!
It’s FLOPPY MAN!!! (Son of BONELESS MAN!)
Slee
Super strength 24/7: strong enough to bend an I-beam like a paperclip, but unable to pick up a pencil without producing a cloud of splinters.
Super speed 24/7, aka Pendulum man: you can run to the scene of a crime in an instant, except you’re so bad at slowing down you end up 20 miles on the other side. When you try to go back, you end up 19.5 miles on the other side, etc. etc. By the time you get there, conventional law enforcement has already solved the crime and the DA has arranged a plea bargain.
The superpower to spot any minor error of fact or grammar in any context whatever, with the limitation that you can’t help pouncing on it like a starving cat on a particularly tasty-looking mouse.
Actually I already have that superpower. It has yet to solve a crime or save a life, but who cares? I am Captain Pedant! Fear me!! :rolleyes:
Gaining the powers of the 1938 superman…by injecting 2 ounces of pure heroin directly into your eyeballs. (Kinda a setup that would turn real bad real fast.)
That reminds me a bit of some spells for D&D from an old April issue of Dragon Magazine, Locate hands. Which could be a quite useful spell if you’d lost your hands (for example if you’d cast the spell Remove Hands from the same cursed spellbook). The only problem was that it had a range of touch and it had an extensive somatic component requiring functioning hands to be cast.
Another great spell in that issue was Transmute Rock to Stone.
The ability to make your own urine turn purple, and smell like grape juice.
That’s how X: the Man With The X-Ray Eyes ended, IIRC.
I don’t know if this would be considered a super power, but I thought of this when I read the first “what would be the world’s worst super power” thread.
Your penis or your vagina glowed when nervous/excited/angry, etc. And you can’t control it. Yeesh.
The ability to instantly bore people terribly.
Sweathog: Has the ability to sweat profusely
Traffic Jam Man: Has the ability to create a traffic jam on any city street, anytime. (Develops career as the world’s best traffic reporter.)
Dead Phone Man: 24/7 generation of field that makes all phones within shouting distance totally inoperable.
Skunk Cabbage Jam Touch Man: Turns everything he touches, except his shoes, to skunk cabbage jam.
invisible to squirrels
can fly, but only 1 foot off the ground, at normal walking speed
can communicate with and command trilobytes
can jump 50 feet in the air – but no more or less (watch your head indoors)
impervious to musket balls
innate ability to communicate by CB radio
have super-powered, indestructible car, but keys are locked inside
Corn magnetism, particularly if it’s limited to your upper intestine.
Real-time knowledge of the nearest source of information on urine odor.
The ability to uninstall modem drivers every time you think about sex.
Actually, this isn’t terribly useless if you went back in time.
Abilty to become bored instantly when chatting with people.
The ability to change the colors of any object, but only in the absence of light. When the light hits the object, it resumes its original color.
The ability to smell like raw meat.